THE PROBLEM WITH CRITIQUE

I am not self-righteous, in fact, I know my flaws. But I've noticed everytime we tell our friends their 'areas to improve on', they become a little bit hostile. Why is that?

I don't have any problems facing my shortcomings, and I would love everyone I know to be like that. If I am your friend, you'll hear those straight from me, no holds barred but hoping you won't get offended and you'd take it constructively. I am a man of truthfulness and sometimes, tactlessness (according to people), I tend to be overly-critical, brutal, cynical and sarcastic. I AM LIKE THAT.

This same attitude often brings me to utter destruction, for people just seem to realize the sheer brutality in my comments. I loathe that, because the only reason I am being such, is because I am concerned. That's how I show my love and affection to friends. If I tell you of your relentless stupidity, its because I want you to change that, for the better.

However, I came to realize that in friendships, sometimes, its just more humane to shut up. Shutting up is far-fetched in my vocabulary, but the more I think of it, the better it sounds/appeals to me. Its what elders call as Prudence. And I must admit, I haven't got that.

In social relationships, it is indeed hard to define boundaries. Sometimes, our mere prying on the social life of friends may be interpreted otherwise. Our simple remarks could end up in misunderstanding, and our words could mean a thousand in one's ears. I've grown to be a lover of truth, thats why I always search for one; and the more I tell it, the more complicated life gets, because truth is quantifiable in millions of ways.

This is the constant dilemma, as I try to help a struggling friend face his unnoticed pitfalls -- to tell the truth but people consider that as hurtful, or tell a lie, compromise and fabricate the truth so people would just get along. In the end, it all boils down to the actual case, its subjective.

But if things will really be my way, I will still blurt out the shocking and awful truth. I don't care if people view me as a monster or plain evil, because that is what I think will be best for you. Friends are there to help, guide, mold, reprimand, understand and support each other, they're family. If I told you things you're hesitant to accept, I expect you to face that. If you're reluctant and get offended, I will still make you realize those things, I will apologize, but I won't take it back.

Truth comes in different forms, and in my circle of friends, truth comes in a pedantic and critical presence -- me.

TONIGHT I CAN WRITE THE SADDEST LINES

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

HOW MY CYNIC FRIEND MADE ME REALIZE EVERYTHING OVER PARMA-HAM-MONGGO-AND-FRIED-DILIS, MY THREE-MONTH OLD DILEMMA.


NOTE: I would just like to apologize first, for all my stupid entries and all those emotional shit I've been saying.

If there's one person in the world who truly knows the real me, more than my family even, it will be my good friend Eko. We try to get together every once in a while, and during those times, either seem to have some problem that needs strengthening out.

Eko is a self-confessed cynic. His views on love are rather on the negative side, and oftentimes, he just couldn't care anymore. His standards for friendship and relationship is never-yielding, sometimes bordering on ivory tower or utopia. We share the same wavelength most probably, instead we could have stabbed each other to death for several reasons, or we could never have been friends in the first place. We agree to disagree in fact, and our tolerance for stupidity is literally zero.

He is one year younger, but a lot more mature than I am.

These are the things that transpired in my recent unlocking of secrets surrounding my three-month old dilemma and our apparent discerning of things already existent and yet conspicuous, about being GAY.

a. I am so immature. Yes, I totally get it now, and that's the most saddening part. I thought I was. People said I am. I could really be pesky most of the time, but that's because I'm Obsessive-Compulsive. I have been trying to restrain myself from being all involved and sweet, although sometimes, it really hurts. Maybe what's different now is the fact that, who Im up against is a more mature individual. The one who can confidently say - been there, done that.

b. I came out very late. Eko, on the other hand, has been gay since the sun touched his skin. His metaphor in fact, went like this: You were still in a cocoon, while we were busily fluttering around flowers. I hate it. Out of desperation in fact, I told Eko, "Should I go back and change court again?" He almost pushed me off the sidewalk.

I began this lifestyle really late. Relationship-wise, I have never been vacant since High School. I embraced my identity-crisis in 2002 and I have had 3 serious relationships since then, all of them involved 'living together'.

c. Things shouldn't be forced. There are things that are simply meant for you effortless, and things that are as complicated as a Rubik's cube. My dilemma now has been really tedious and tiring. And sometimes, I just find myself in a ridiculous contemplation that I am exerting too much effort. Tears and sweat altogether, and yet the outcome is still not enough, much to my dismay.

d. As a Third Party, I cannot demand. I know that, but I am human too. Eko went on further to tell me, "But those are the rules." I will always be the loser in this kind of set-up. I simply cant demand more time, since Im just the Third Party. I cannot possibly compete with a strong relationship, Im the newcomer. Nakikisawsaw, kumbaga.

e. As a Third Party still, I am simply at his mercy. True. Even my timetable is dependent on his. I hate this reality. Thankfully, as I try to get over such failure, I am becoming more independent now.

f. Act like him. Be like him. I tried mimicking his ways, and its really difficult. I tried not texting for a day, and it seemed very heartless. I am not difficult to talk with, I must reiterate, but such attitude over things is such an Everest to climb.

g. There will come a time, when I will totally be just like him. I know experience deals great amount to one's personality, but I simply dont bite the fact that we will all become a cynic, or heartless, or simply stern. I dont want this day to arrive. Being such sounds very impersonal, heartless and mechanical. So against my Communist and Romantic passion. I dont want to turn into another cynical individual, for I believe there is a much better way. The world is unfair and uncompromising already, I dont want it to bear another robotic soul. People could always harmonize; through love, understanding, compromise, trust, communication and a thousand more reasons, but cynicism, or being stern is not the only resort.

h. Be realistic and stop using your heart. Life is full of complications, accept it. The lifestyle that we chose is not gay at all. It is in fact, very hurtful and challenging. Reality is too complex a thought, since society will always be judgmental of us. We could always love, but only to a certain extent. We should love ourselves more, and we shouldn't put our 100% into someone.

i. I will fully understand these things outside, or when Im finally defeated. Enough said.

j. If he choose to let go of you, let go, because we always deserve someone better. Someone who wouldn't force you to compromise, or change; and who will always accept and love you for who you are. Someone who will be thankful for having you in his arms, every single day. Sigh.

k. It's all a part of growing up. Very true. How I wish I wouldn't have to undergo this process.

If this is how we grow up, then I'd want the Peter Pan complex. If this is how hurtful this lifestyle could be, then I dont want to be a love cynic. If this how complicated every little thing could be, even in the future, then Im afraid I'm only left with three options:

a. Go back and change court.
b. Be an optimistic, jaded escapist.
c. Totally escape everything.

Eko, brought about by his knowledge of my tendencies, urged me to send him SMS first thing in the morning. It was just to remind him I'm still here.

I am still here.


As I slowly perform everything you ask of me, I pick up little pieces along the way. Im afraid now, that as I grow up and face reality, that glimmer of hope disappears. That as I sway back and forth, the rope could easily snap. That as you drift away, I may never see you again. That as I grow more detached from you, every single day, as what you've always liked, I slowly forget about how much I love you.

SIMPLY A RIDE

I have had three relationships. All of them gave me enough life experience that I treasure now. Although they all came from different backgrounds, my life with them is simply something money cannot measure.

The First: Rich Kid on the Block

My first venture into the real thing was right after college. I was very idealistic and impulsive then, and all felt like a challenge. The first was not at all new to this lifestyle, but he taught me valuable things about this life. We both even had the same ordeal to go through -- coming out. He came out to his family, and I, to my friends. The whole year was more of proving and withstanding every possible problem. It felt like we were going against all odds.

The Second: Call Center With Hang-ups

We started off with the wrong foot, as I had him first as the third party. It was more of a test for me. The experience, so to speak, was the typical you-turned-my-world-upside-down case, as I have trailed a complicated life. We both left our relationships and decided to start anew. It was worth it, as the two years taught me how to navigate through downtown Manila (Sta.Cruz, Recto, etc.) and live his life. This newfound experience was all different, but it was really worth it. The lessons I learned molded me into becoming the much stronger person as I believe I am now. The partnership ended with us, being tired and with a complete chaos.

The Third: The Seeming Rescue and the Apparent Bliss

Another rocky start, as I rescued him from a pointless, disrespectful and dependent relationship. It wasn't easy, as the mess brought him literal chills that I willingly embraced, and bravely conquered. Unlike the first two, our partnership was all bliss, blame it on maturity perhaps, but the whole thing was free of green eyes and paranoia. There wasn't even a third party, and just like any other song, it really had to end. It was the most realistic and bittersweet ending yet. And we were surprised at how much we've grown individually.

And that's my stupid love story. My friend once asked me, "Why do you bother being gay? When you don't look like one, you hate their music, you've had girlfriends before, and you hate the stereotype?" I just replied, "I really don't know. Maybe because it is gay."

YOU: The Gamble I Never Imagined Playing

Right now, I am torn. I simply push my luck and hope for better tomorrows. This is something out of my hands, for I have already played all my cards, and I hate to lose.

This is simply something I cannot and will not have, I suppose. And the whole waiting-in-vain is originally not my cup of tea, I just drank it blindfold.

All Im proud of, I guess, is that I didn't prevent myself from loving you. I do not like regrets and endless what-ifs, they simply bore us to death and make us cry for spilled milk. I simply seize the moment, because that is all what I have now. Should you decide to finally call it quits, I will hold my head up high, for I stuck to what was real to me and to what made me happy.

I hate my parents for bringing up a brat. I hate UP for making me an existentialist. I hate love for showering me with all things sweet and complicated. I just hate it.

75 %

Im almost there. Just 25%. Although I dont want it really, but it's slowly exhausting me. I have a promise to make though, that I will love myself more than anything or anybody else beginning today.

That the next time it happens to me, I'll be more ready. Because my heart has been broken twice already this year, I dont think I can take any more ache.

One thing is assured though inspite all these, that my love the next time around will no less than what I have poured now, in fact even more. And Im pretty sure that person won't regret an inch for giving me that chance.

And I find it really unfair that I'll just have to throw it all away, slowly... Gradually...

For now I just want to take a rest. And sit as buses and trains pass me by.




GO ON GIRL
Ne Yo

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
Im thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

The mistake I made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
Im too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

MY VERY OWN PSYCHIATRIST-APPROVED REGIMEN FOR OVERCOMING MADNESS





These are well-proven ways on how to cope with heartache or madness, say, you're just dumped (like me!) or you're taking the vow of martyrdom. Being busted the third time is definitely life-changing, it makes you want to kill yourself. Haha.

10. MAKE YOURSELF BUSY AND TURN OFF THE PHONE. This is the first thing I do whenever I want to forget, even temporarily, what just happened. I clean up my apartment, read some books, hit the gym, iron out clothes or go outside. Turning off the cellphone, even for an hour, really makes a difference. This is transient preoccupation however, because at some point, you'll finish all your chores and end up not doing anything at all. Or you will have to text or call someone for something.


9. MANAGE YOUR PLAYLIST. During these times of pain, I steer clear of any mushy song. In fact, I created playlists on my player, to better organize my songs -- Slow, Pop, Rock and Club. Of the four, I do not play Slow and Pop, for John Legend, Alicia Keys, Dashboard Confessional, David Cook, U2, Rhianna, Coldplay, Paula Cole, Keane, One Republic and Babyface are there. Instead, I bathe myself with the music of Bob Marley, Incubus, Dave Matthews Band, Fall Out Boy, Maroon 5, Amy Winehouse, The Verve, Foo Fighters, Get Far, Beck, Switchfoot, Chillout Project artists, Matchbox 20 and even Bonnie Bailey. It really works for me, I instantly jump into my "Performer" mood, and bring my unit down.


8. NUMB YOURSELF WITH WATCHING SHOWS ON FREE TV. Free TV actually offers the worst representations of Philippine society. No offense, but we Filipinos deserve something better than Wowowee, Dyesebel or Pinoy Big Brother (Teen Edition). Im really grateful for 24 Oras or TV Patrol, because at least, they inform. But flash me with Willie Revillame brainwashing viewers with you-need-my-money attitude, or those brats inside Kuya's house trying to outwit themselves by crying and lashing out demeaning words, is just like suicide at its best! But then again, I want to forget so I tried looking for better shows to occupy my stretch. These are what I found so far, not really excellent shows, but better.

Monday - Chuck (CS-9) 8:00 pm
Brothers and Sister (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Tuesday - Pushing Daisies (2nd Avenue) 8:00pm
Ugly Betty (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Wednesday - still looking, actually. The Cut (?) (QTV 11) 8:30pm
Thursday - Make me a Supermodel (ETC) 8:00pm
Chuck replays (CS-9) 10:00pm
Friday - CSI (Studio 23) 8:30pm

** I still don't have cable, inaayos ko pa buhay ko, saka na yun.



--- TO BE CONTINUED

I AM NOT RAFAEL ROSSELL



I spoke too quickly. I shouldn't have said goodbye when I perfectly knew I couldn't bear it. Much as I wanted to avoid seeing you, you're simply overwhelming.

Last night, I absolutely understood everything. You couldn't be more blunt in telling me the real deal. I appreciated it all though, for clarity is all I need in the first place. It only made me feel inferior, but nonetheless, I believe it was the bitter pill I so wanted.

This is the problem with impulsive people, they often commit stupid acts especially when it comes to love, that they do not necessarily think in the most rational sense. That we usually utter words instantly, and by the end of the day, regretting every word at all.

It only sounded though that you have millions of excuses, just not to be with me. It's okay, I'd prefer it more than beating around the bush. But subtle words and cushioning the blow havent fled Webster's actually, you might try considering it the next time. I may be a a lot of things, but Im also human. Hehe.

I couldn't offer you any more comfort that you might need now. I am just an Average Juan. Im a good and mature person though, but I am not rich you know that, apparently. Im not good-looking either, you might be better off with those with 6-pack abs and drop-dead features. I teach, Im not the principal of the school. I cannot basically brag about material things, my place is a clear testament to that. I do not have a double-degree and I can't measure up with your ex's. I'm not even tall, nor fair-skinned. I do not have foreign lineage or anything, and I guess my father having dual-citizenship in Germany wouldn't matter at all. I do not even own a computer, which is a total pity since I use it a lot. I don't have a car to fetch you with. I could go on and on, since my confidence level has really sunk big time when we cleared things up, and still, I wouldn't fit in your standards.

All I could offer is love.

That I will definitely love you no matter what, that I will be the best friend ever, that I will not hurt you, that I will compromise everything for you, that I will try to be the best you want me to be, that I will satisfy even your most ridiculous fantasies, that I will not nag nor make you kulit, that I will cook for you everyday, if that's what you want, that I will not care if you're the oldest person on earth, that I will give you space and privacy, that I will just simply be there for you when you need me, that I will love you for every minute of the day...

That's all I can offer. Just that.

But I guess that's really trashed out now. Had I been Rafael Rossell, you could have easily said YES. I guess it will be a lot more difficult if I pushed it even harder, when you have stated every possible reason there is, just not to be with me.

I am grateful though that you still consider me as a friend. I want to thank you a million for that. It only takes a real mature person to not be annoyed by my qualms and shortcomings. Insecurity may have dampen my spirit now, but I could easily make peace with that. I dont exactly understand why this sort of things happen to me, but it's really worth the experience. I learned a lot from you.

Salamat for being the bigger person here. Dont you worry, I will try to be the best friend there is. Sigh.

WHEN BARBECUE MEANT FAREWELL TO UTTER MADNESS AND INTRODUCTION TO PERDITION


An hour ago, I finally said goodbye. I hated the fact that I didn't have the courage to tell it myself, and instead use SMS to relay my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I did not plan it at all.

It's just that when you start talking about the other guy, I couldn't help but get affected. I tried to conceal my ache with small bites of liempo but it proved futile. I know we're going to Antipolo, but the agony has seeped through my veins, it completely ravaged my heart, I told you I was doing some errands instead.

I am starting to fall. I know I have made sure that you leave your shoes by the door, but the more I see you, the more drawn I become. I hate goodbyes, but it's a necessary one. For the whole thing is a lost cause anyway, and I am not that masochistic.

You thought I was different. Actually, I am. Different because once I've let down my guard, I am completely honest and truthful. Maybe I just don't have much experience in this kind of set-up, or I still have to learn a lot when it comes to relationships, it's just that everything is unbearable.

I am sorry for such an abrupt action. I just don't want to futher involve myself, it may be too late one day. You just dont know how sorry I am for doing this. You just dont realize how painful it is for me.

You dont have to worry. I have carefully devised a regimen of forgetting and playing numb. I should get used to this kind of complexity. I should not let this happen again. I must not let my impulsiveness and emotions get in the way once more. And I should stop hoping. I am now tired and exhausted.

How I wish I could get one of those iron masks for good. That way, I wouldn't have a hard time hiding my feelings. When I cried a while ago, I felt a surge of loneliness and despair. I felt so alone. If I have that iron mask, people won't see what Im going through. They will just be provided with a permanent smirk, or an awkward smile.

Just give me a week, and I will be over you. We could always be friends, just like what we agreed. You could always run for me for advice or for a simple talk. I just can't go with you to Antipolo and buy those furniture for him.

The barbecue was definitely good. The lunch was absolutely fine. Only the hurt was there to devour, and it was bittersweet.



CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what I need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS...

I know we both agree to tell it when it has finally happened, but last night, the only thing that popped into my head was the question, Do you still love me?

We openly declare to be civil and diplomatic if one ever falls out of love, or if one suddenly sleeps with other people. It is easier or more human, we say, because it's within the boundaries of human decency. But last night was pretty odd. I can't even seem to know where to start.

Do I have to ask you that question?
Do we have to venture into that dangerous waters?
Do I have to start talking?
Do you feel a rift building up between us?
Do you notice that we are fighting and arguing more often now than before?

<
<
<
<
<

Have you ever been tired of us making faulty decisions and thinking about the same old problems everytime?
Have you ever yearned for something better and less complicated?
Have you ever thought of getting some space to think?
Have you got that realization that there is something wrong at least?

?

Whenever I ask how your massage was, I only wanted to know if you enjoyed it. I do not want to know if you did it with the masseur.

That is too much to handle -- the fact that you'd rather do it with a stranger than with me, after days of being away in Boracay, and broadcasting to the world how you missed and felt sorry for me, and to think I am so-called your partner --who by the way waited for you, and did not stop thinking of you. The partner who you didn't even inform about how you lost your phones etc. The partner who cared to cook for you and tried consoling you the moment you arrived, despite all your whinings. The man who is simply your partner.

That is just too crap.

And it fucking hurts.

WHEW

Now, I can breathe, I can think clearly and I'm rational. It just pisses me off, when I think of how evil men can be, all for the sake of love. For the past weeks, I have been in such emotional circus, and it's really very demeaning, you lose your sense of rationality, diplomacy and clarity. Self-esteem gets challenged, and patience stretched up to who-knows-where boundaries. Some of it bitter, some foul, others enlightening. It's really a joyride.

One cannot take bitterness and barbarism out of this kind of mess. Some go to extreme disrespect and outrage that they destroy things and life. Such actions are really far from civilization, and they require immediate legal actions, e.g. violation of privacy, grave threats, physical injury, moral defamation and destruction of property. Thankfully, I have connections.

Nevertheless, it's all part of the distant past. One must learn from mistakes, and be thankful for them, really, because they have transformed that self into a better human being. It's all a matter of choice, and freewill. If we ourselves let these things to forever haunt and destroy us, it's our choice, we'll be living in doom and hatred. If we just forget about it, and treat it as a memorable and fruitful aspect of our history, then we're left with no bitterness at all, and we continue with our lives. In the first place, it's all been done, and we can do nothing to change it.

We just need to brace that uncertain future with a smile, and with new beginnings.

CHAOTIC AND FUCKED UP

It's all starting to sink in now -- the consequences of my actions, and the doom awaiting for me, anytime from now.

Everything started last week, from mere chit-chats, it evolved into something greater and compelling. I know it wasn't the right thing for me to do, since Im falling for a completely wrong person - my friend's lover.

I know things will get more complicated and jammed, but we just could help ourselves, or at least, I couldnt help myself, or was oblivious of what Im doing.

Until last night, my friend saw us in the parking lot. He was furious. I was speechless and nonchalant. He bursted but I was calm. I completely understood his behavior, because this is my mess.

When I got home, I told my friends (now old friends)what happened. I also spilled it out to my ex. My ex cried. My heart, now crushed, wanted to disintegrate even more. I lost it, I lost everything, and I've lost my dignity.

Every inch of my existence now comes into vapor. When I went to work the following morning, I couldnt believe what happened. I gathered all the strength I have, to put myself all together, but I guess the shame of my mistake haunts me even more inevitable, that I could no longer think in a rational way. Thankfully, I have friends at work.

I received a text from a friend, telling my ex wants to move out as soon as possible, because my ex cant take it anymore. I insisted that I'll be the one to move out instead, because its my poop anyway. Quickly, I asked everybody in the office if they know some place where I could stay.

Now, I'm back to our old apartment. Memories started to come back as soon as I stepped in that bare loft, and all I could do that dreadful night was to cry. The downpour was overwhelming. I havent cried for ages, and it felt like someone has just stabbed my heart. It's now over, everything.

The damage has been done, and I couldnt fix it anymore. All I have to do now, is to start anew, with no more attachments, and no more mistakes, hopefully.

Mahirap. Masakit. Its a bitter pill to swallow, but I know things will definitely be healed when I take that tablet.

Sigh.