THE PROBLEM WITH CRITIQUE

I am not self-righteous, in fact, I know my flaws. But I've noticed everytime we tell our friends their 'areas to improve on', they become a little bit hostile. Why is that?

I don't have any problems facing my shortcomings, and I would love everyone I know to be like that. If I am your friend, you'll hear those straight from me, no holds barred but hoping you won't get offended and you'd take it constructively. I am a man of truthfulness and sometimes, tactlessness (according to people), I tend to be overly-critical, brutal, cynical and sarcastic. I AM LIKE THAT.

This same attitude often brings me to utter destruction, for people just seem to realize the sheer brutality in my comments. I loathe that, because the only reason I am being such, is because I am concerned. That's how I show my love and affection to friends. If I tell you of your relentless stupidity, its because I want you to change that, for the better.

However, I came to realize that in friendships, sometimes, its just more humane to shut up. Shutting up is far-fetched in my vocabulary, but the more I think of it, the better it sounds/appeals to me. Its what elders call as Prudence. And I must admit, I haven't got that.

In social relationships, it is indeed hard to define boundaries. Sometimes, our mere prying on the social life of friends may be interpreted otherwise. Our simple remarks could end up in misunderstanding, and our words could mean a thousand in one's ears. I've grown to be a lover of truth, thats why I always search for one; and the more I tell it, the more complicated life gets, because truth is quantifiable in millions of ways.

This is the constant dilemma, as I try to help a struggling friend face his unnoticed pitfalls -- to tell the truth but people consider that as hurtful, or tell a lie, compromise and fabricate the truth so people would just get along. In the end, it all boils down to the actual case, its subjective.

But if things will really be my way, I will still blurt out the shocking and awful truth. I don't care if people view me as a monster or plain evil, because that is what I think will be best for you. Friends are there to help, guide, mold, reprimand, understand and support each other, they're family. If I told you things you're hesitant to accept, I expect you to face that. If you're reluctant and get offended, I will still make you realize those things, I will apologize, but I won't take it back.

Truth comes in different forms, and in my circle of friends, truth comes in a pedantic and critical presence -- me.

SIMPLY A RIDE

I have had three relationships. All of them gave me enough life experience that I treasure now. Although they all came from different backgrounds, my life with them is simply something money cannot measure.

The First: Rich Kid on the Block

My first venture into the real thing was right after college. I was very idealistic and impulsive then, and all felt like a challenge. The first was not at all new to this lifestyle, but he taught me valuable things about this life. We both even had the same ordeal to go through -- coming out. He came out to his family, and I, to my friends. The whole year was more of proving and withstanding every possible problem. It felt like we were going against all odds.

The Second: Call Center With Hang-ups

We started off with the wrong foot, as I had him first as the third party. It was more of a test for me. The experience, so to speak, was the typical you-turned-my-world-upside-down case, as I have trailed a complicated life. We both left our relationships and decided to start anew. It was worth it, as the two years taught me how to navigate through downtown Manila (Sta.Cruz, Recto, etc.) and live his life. This newfound experience was all different, but it was really worth it. The lessons I learned molded me into becoming the much stronger person as I believe I am now. The partnership ended with us, being tired and with a complete chaos.

The Third: The Seeming Rescue and the Apparent Bliss

Another rocky start, as I rescued him from a pointless, disrespectful and dependent relationship. It wasn't easy, as the mess brought him literal chills that I willingly embraced, and bravely conquered. Unlike the first two, our partnership was all bliss, blame it on maturity perhaps, but the whole thing was free of green eyes and paranoia. There wasn't even a third party, and just like any other song, it really had to end. It was the most realistic and bittersweet ending yet. And we were surprised at how much we've grown individually.

And that's my stupid love story. My friend once asked me, "Why do you bother being gay? When you don't look like one, you hate their music, you've had girlfriends before, and you hate the stereotype?" I just replied, "I really don't know. Maybe because it is gay."

YOU: The Gamble I Never Imagined Playing

Right now, I am torn. I simply push my luck and hope for better tomorrows. This is something out of my hands, for I have already played all my cards, and I hate to lose.

This is simply something I cannot and will not have, I suppose. And the whole waiting-in-vain is originally not my cup of tea, I just drank it blindfold.

All Im proud of, I guess, is that I didn't prevent myself from loving you. I do not like regrets and endless what-ifs, they simply bore us to death and make us cry for spilled milk. I simply seize the moment, because that is all what I have now. Should you decide to finally call it quits, I will hold my head up high, for I stuck to what was real to me and to what made me happy.

I hate my parents for bringing up a brat. I hate UP for making me an existentialist. I hate love for showering me with all things sweet and complicated. I just hate it.

I AM NOT RAFAEL ROSSELL



I spoke too quickly. I shouldn't have said goodbye when I perfectly knew I couldn't bear it. Much as I wanted to avoid seeing you, you're simply overwhelming.

Last night, I absolutely understood everything. You couldn't be more blunt in telling me the real deal. I appreciated it all though, for clarity is all I need in the first place. It only made me feel inferior, but nonetheless, I believe it was the bitter pill I so wanted.

This is the problem with impulsive people, they often commit stupid acts especially when it comes to love, that they do not necessarily think in the most rational sense. That we usually utter words instantly, and by the end of the day, regretting every word at all.

It only sounded though that you have millions of excuses, just not to be with me. It's okay, I'd prefer it more than beating around the bush. But subtle words and cushioning the blow havent fled Webster's actually, you might try considering it the next time. I may be a a lot of things, but Im also human. Hehe.

I couldn't offer you any more comfort that you might need now. I am just an Average Juan. Im a good and mature person though, but I am not rich you know that, apparently. Im not good-looking either, you might be better off with those with 6-pack abs and drop-dead features. I teach, Im not the principal of the school. I cannot basically brag about material things, my place is a clear testament to that. I do not have a double-degree and I can't measure up with your ex's. I'm not even tall, nor fair-skinned. I do not have foreign lineage or anything, and I guess my father having dual-citizenship in Germany wouldn't matter at all. I do not even own a computer, which is a total pity since I use it a lot. I don't have a car to fetch you with. I could go on and on, since my confidence level has really sunk big time when we cleared things up, and still, I wouldn't fit in your standards.

All I could offer is love.

That I will definitely love you no matter what, that I will be the best friend ever, that I will not hurt you, that I will compromise everything for you, that I will try to be the best you want me to be, that I will satisfy even your most ridiculous fantasies, that I will not nag nor make you kulit, that I will cook for you everyday, if that's what you want, that I will not care if you're the oldest person on earth, that I will give you space and privacy, that I will just simply be there for you when you need me, that I will love you for every minute of the day...

That's all I can offer. Just that.

But I guess that's really trashed out now. Had I been Rafael Rossell, you could have easily said YES. I guess it will be a lot more difficult if I pushed it even harder, when you have stated every possible reason there is, just not to be with me.

I am grateful though that you still consider me as a friend. I want to thank you a million for that. It only takes a real mature person to not be annoyed by my qualms and shortcomings. Insecurity may have dampen my spirit now, but I could easily make peace with that. I dont exactly understand why this sort of things happen to me, but it's really worth the experience. I learned a lot from you.

Salamat for being the bigger person here. Dont you worry, I will try to be the best friend there is. Sigh.

LOSS

I just found about it today. And it disturbed me the whole day. My friend, Fe died last May 25. An article about her appeared in the Inquirer, and it all came to me as a shock, that left me with teary eyes and disbelief.

She committed suicide in her apartment in Baltimore. She went to the US, of course, for greener pastures, and she killed herself because of her husband.

It was shocking. It was disturbing. It was an eye-opener.

Apparently, my friends have been trying to contact me for weeks now, just to tell me the story, and for me to visit her one last time. But it was futile. I recently just changed my mobile number, without even trying to get in touch with them.

The whole thing made me realize my mistake. And it was a mistake that has been recurring for ages now. That I take people for granted, especially my friends. I have this tendency to detach myself from them, for reasons I haven't even realized until today.

And its so painful, when one of the friends who I take for granted, suddenly just passes away. Out of depression, and desperation; and I didn't even exert extra effort to help her. Or even be there, during the last crucial moments of her life.

It was indeed an eye-opener. And I couldn't help but cry about it. I cry because not only did I lose a precious friend, because the realization that arrived to me smacked me right up on my face.

Big time.