Tuesday, May 27, 2008



RANDOM

Im back at work. I really don't feel like working at all, but there isn't any choice. I wish vacation could have been longer, but then again, I realized paranoia might completely devour me if that happens. I figured work might hand me my sanity again.

I have finally awakened from my self-made crisis and stupidity, and moved on. It has become more of a torture, and my insomnia's back. It isn't healthy anymore, thinking about ridiculous things, and wishing they'd come true.

While in a jeepney yesterday, I sat on a gum. I sighed deeply and wondered if we could finally ban chewing gum in the country, since people do not know how to dispose them. Time and space continuum was challenged because of my outburst.

A new record was set. Just this week, I have finished reading three books - Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini and Anthology of Erotic Writing by Anne Rice et al -- and am currently reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.

Promiscuity has been also troubling me since last week. I don't keep count, but come to think of it, I should, to trace where I'm heading -- whorehouse or oblivion.

Finally, I have bought myself curtains. However, Shopwise fooled me with its 300-peso dirty white drapes, when in fact the same curtain costs only 160php in SM. I bought a pair, to better hide from the sun and the stares.

Labels: , , , , ,

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

60-40

Clarification:

Im not at all suicidal. Just 60 percent. I haven't really entertained the idea of killing myself nowadays, so I apologize to those I've alarmed. The previous entry is just a pigment of my freakiness.

Thanks though.

Monday, May 12, 2008



DEATH KNOCKING


I've always been fascinated with death. When my brother died more than a decade ago, I stopped picturing death as something to be afraid of. Death may be a horrifying fact to be talked about within circles, but actually, I have already had my death and burial all planned out. I felt happy for the departed, for they would no longer have to endure life. But as time went by, I managed to come in good terms with death, as I began to view it as a natural process.

I had my own share of death and death-possibilities before. Back in high school, I tried to take my life with a pathetic razor; of course, after having drank 3 bottles of beer. I didn't want it to be painful, so I tried looking for more natural and abrupt means of dying, like forgetting to breathe, or jumping off the building. Im an Arien, my zodiac told me I'll die fire-related, so I figured, it's either I die literally from buring alive, or from passion. I'd prefer to die because of passion, for the choices of how to categorically die range from being either stabbed, thrown off the cliff, murdered, shot etc. It's limitless, basically.

Death, however, ironically seemed to linger around me during that time -- our family business died, my father sort of died to me, my faith in marriage also said goodbye, my beloved grandfather stopped living, my tearducts dried out, my belief in god also took off, and millions of things, to name a few. I survived them all though, but it transformed me into someone rather less human.

I haven't really thought about how unhealthy these are, but what I guess is my strength during these low moments is my ability to cope and escape. Coping and escaping from the mere sense of it all shielded me from the pain, but it came with a price, I lost the will to cry. I also became reckless and selfish, only thinking about the happiness of me and those I love, is the only thing that mattered. Death may have hovered above me for years, but my mind is a lot stronger, I guess, when I busied and tried reasoning it all out with the help of cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. In fact, UP has indeed become a very good nurturing ground for my newfound superpowers, as my belief in death became rationalized. Thanks to Philosophy, Social Sciences and all, my positive outlook in all sorts of death became clearer. I began to understand them better, and I embraced them with tearducts now; but still with a selective heart.

My very own plan of burial became more elaborate and ornate in fact.

Things were going smoothly until a year ago, my friend committed suicide. But that didn't deter me from believing that life is how we make it. I still ignored death's attempt to lure me.

These past few weeks, I again witnessed this never-elusive fascination. I saw the death of my very own relationship. I thought about jumping off the 12th floor, not only because of that, but due to never-ending family problems as well. My colleague's mom died, after her career as a-school-teacher-for-the-brats died just days before. A student also gave up for mysterious reasons last Friday, and today, I learned about a colleague's misfortune as his newborn son refused to embrace life.

As I trace my way now back to my apartment, I couldn't help but wonder, is death really knocking on my door? Would death be not just a natural thing for me, but a wonderful state as well? Is death really the way out? Will my mind again defeat this phenomenon, as slowly, I become more attracted to it once more? Will death succeed this time?

All I know now as of this moment, is that I still have the strength to write blogs and get in touch with the outside world. Though unending sadness, weeks-long boredom and seemingly-permanent frustration over things haunt me every minute, I still manage to decide to breathe.

I just don't know for how long.

Labels: , , ,

Friday, May 09, 2008









SOLO FLIGHT

Gone are the days of cooking gourmet, shopping in the Organic market and Greenbelt, strolling in Salcedo Park, sipping coffee in the nearby Coffee Bean, and running for pepper and veggies in the Korean shop. So are the 24-hour security, glass-walled elevators, garbage chutes, air condition and exhaust.

Life definitely has kicked me in the nuts now as I move to QC. I am no stranger to this place, in fact, I used to live here 5 years ago, before my ex and I moved to an upscale Katipunan village.

My mornings are filled not by colds I got from too much use of AC, but of seemingly temporary cold breeze from nearby Cubao. My neighborhood is not as grand as Salcedo Village, but I am loving it. A stone's throw away is a panaderia where I can easily munch on Spanish bread for 2 pesos/each. Nearby is a computer shop that brags of its 25 pesos/2 hours promo. Mcdonalds, Cubao, EDSA, P. Tuazon, Aurora Boulevard, Katipunan Avenue, Eastwood, Ortigas Avenue, Antipolo and Santolan is just a jeepney ride. Laundry service pegs at 25 pesos per kilo, and to top it all, I am so near Dannylicious, one of my favorite less-prestigious-kainans.

Im off to a slow and tedious start though, as I brace solitude and uncertainty with tight budget and all. All I know, is that eventually I will be grateful for all of these. That in month's time, I can completely get myself together. Boredom may be killing me one pimple at a time, but it wont be for long, as I report back to school in a week.

With the exception of minor and inexplicable thrills, unexpected and undying issues, and resonating debts, my existence now has definitely taken a very different route. A path too risky and suicidal, I am so dying to trek.

Labels: ,