27

In times of utter despair and you find yourself in near-clinical depression, you tend to yearn for beautiful things you might have had or missed. Oftentimes, people with sleeping disorders like me, struggle to achieve that state of bliss by merely hoping that all those things could at least come true or come back. Only, since we've all missed that bus at least once in our lives, we end up sleeping with tears or waking up with a big headache.

I am 27 now. Although I don't necessarily regret all those things that happened to me, I surely do miss all those things that have made me a better person now. So here's a list of 27 uberrantings, musings, hopes and misses that have troubled me for the last week. Argh.

I MISS:
1. That good, intimate and sincere kiss.
2. Being taken care of.
3. Celebrating stupid monthsaries, anniversaries and other dates.
4. Being harassed looking for that special gift to a loved one.
5. Movie marathon or not arguing over a Foreign language film.
6. Going out-of-town with that special one.
7. Taking a bath/shower together.
8. Dining intimately and sweetly in a fine restaurant.
9. Engaging in couple sports.
10. A big hug after a day of stress.
11. Exchanging sweet nothings.
12. Discussing future plans with a hope of lasting forever.
13. A really, really HOT sex, not that 'let's just get this over with' kind or 'i have to get up early tomorrow ' sex.


I HOPE:
14. That Hell is non-existent, because this boring and depressing Summer is endless, it resembles Dante's Inferno.
15. That my life change its course, its getting pretty lame.
16. That my bird-brained boss dies, for her sheer stupidity doesn't have a place in our society.
17. That I find purpose as soon as possible.
18. That Manny Pacquiao stops his obvious profiteering, because boxing has become more of a gamble than a sport.
19. Somebody kills off GMA and all those traditional politicians and bureaucrats, because our politics is getting nowhere, more and more people are leaving the country.
20. That the 2010 Elections pursue.

I LOVE:

21. House, 30 Rock and How I Met your Mother; because they consume most of my time this Summer.
22. The Global-Warming-induced rains, because they preoccupy our local news, instead of delving so much on the Mar Roxas pathetic profession of love to Korina Sanchez.
23. Century Tuna, for providing me with decent food, when budget and limited choices in the menu take a toll on my meals.
24. How my company wastes energy, as we senselessly report for VL. With free air conditioning and internet, not to mention bonding time with friends in our offices, they really do us a big favor this time.


I'M PUZZLED:
25. With how a company (that brags to the world world its sense of community) manages to be oblivious despite its corrupt and decaying culture/system/people.
26. With my own stubbornness, that I still stick with this predicament. The same predicament that has fooled me for months and caused me so much heartaches.

I STILL WANT:
27. To believe -- that my future is not a waste, that I will be happier in the next coming months, that life for the Filipinos will be promising with its kind of democracy, that love is not just a chemical reaction to pass on the genes, that I will be a better and a wiser man this time.


I know my list is a bit cynical. I just hope my 27th year yields far-convincing proofs that my life is indeed worth living.

TIRED AND HELLISH


Im simply tired. Yesterday was the most ordeal I've had in weeks, and it's not getting any better.

Work is draining me to death, and the fact that I have to double-prepare everyday is not as delightful as it sounds.

My coordinator refuses to compromise, and hasn't really thought of improving my situation. Crap motivational words like, 'I know you can do it" and "It's been 3 weeks, you'll get the hang of it din" do not work for me. Stupidity may have devoured her for years, but common sense may still be within reach.

Love hasn't been kind with me since the other day. The whole idea of you being there abroad is torture enough. And the fact that you're not at all texty is an added pressure. I myself cannot understand what's happening to me either, being demanding and all, despite the knowledge that you're very busy. Maybe it's the self-destructive nature of me. Maybe it's the full moon. Maybe Im just going nuts.

Im simply tired. Tired of all the work. Tired of all the burden. A bit tired of waiting for you, or even for your sweet nothings. There are times when you simply need an affirmation, or a thoughtful gesture from the one you love, to at least easen up things.

I guess that's just too much to ask. I guess that's plain selfish of me.

RANDOM

Im back at work. I really don't feel like working at all, but there isn't any choice. I wish vacation could have been longer, but then again, I realized paranoia might completely devour me if that happens. I figured work might hand me my sanity again.

I have finally awakened from my self-made crisis and stupidity, and moved on. It has become more of a torture, and my insomnia's back. It isn't healthy anymore, thinking about ridiculous things, and wishing they'd come true.

While in a jeepney yesterday, I sat on a gum. I sighed deeply and wondered if we could finally ban chewing gum in the country, since people do not know how to dispose them. Time and space continuum was challenged because of my outburst.

A new record was set. Just this week, I have finished reading three books - Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini and Anthology of Erotic Writing by Anne Rice et al -- and am currently reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.

Promiscuity has been also troubling me since last week. I don't keep count, but come to think of it, I should, to trace where I'm heading -- whorehouse or oblivion.

Finally, I have bought myself curtains. However, Shopwise fooled me with its 300-peso dirty white drapes, when in fact the same curtain costs only 160php in SM. I bought a pair, to better hide from the sun and the stares.