RANDOM

Im back at work. I really don't feel like working at all, but there isn't any choice. I wish vacation could have been longer, but then again, I realized paranoia might completely devour me if that happens. I figured work might hand me my sanity again.

I have finally awakened from my self-made crisis and stupidity, and moved on. It has become more of a torture, and my insomnia's back. It isn't healthy anymore, thinking about ridiculous things, and wishing they'd come true.

While in a jeepney yesterday, I sat on a gum. I sighed deeply and wondered if we could finally ban chewing gum in the country, since people do not know how to dispose them. Time and space continuum was challenged because of my outburst.

A new record was set. Just this week, I have finished reading three books - Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini and Anthology of Erotic Writing by Anne Rice et al -- and am currently reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.

Promiscuity has been also troubling me since last week. I don't keep count, but come to think of it, I should, to trace where I'm heading -- whorehouse or oblivion.

Finally, I have bought myself curtains. However, Shopwise fooled me with its 300-peso dirty white drapes, when in fact the same curtain costs only 160php in SM. I bought a pair, to better hide from the sun and the stares.

GREEN CIRCUS

It's been a month. A joyride that I haven't really gotten the hang of. It's an experience I must say, not extraordinary nonetheless.

During my first weeks, I must admit, I got really overwhelmed by the environment - all that spirituality and community that seemed too good to be true. It was... nice.

Nice, because things started to unravel in the succeeding weeks, that all those things that they say they stand for, do not actuate. People start to shed their skins off, that a sense of corruption gloom before their eyes. A glint of superiority materialize as soon as they lounged in their faculty thrones. And the worse of it all, the unbecoming immaturity and unprofessionalism that a number of members exhibit almost everyday. For instance, two female members immediately glistened with the scent of gossip and yak with outright tactlessness about the simplest of things. While a group of male faculty brush their machismo off, with uncalled for condecend as they remark homosexuals.

Jaded. Blase. Satiated. This is what I have been for days now.

I just feel so disappointed with how this kind of culture thrives within the walls of this supposedly understanding institution. And too ironic it is that they bank on virtues, and yet they have undeserving components inside.

Perhaps, a revolution is necessary. The real one. And I believe it will only materialize when we start to grow up and realize that we must act professionally eventhough we do not feel like it.

Whew.

Next week will mark the end of my first school year with O.B. Montessori. Gosh, it's been really an experience, a memento i could not possibly forget. And to make it worse, I've signed for the next year, since they offered me a new contract! How silly me.

What's really boggling is the fact that no matter how frustrated and demoralized I am, as a human being and a teacher, I cannot quit my job, for the lack of er, say, guts. I've been in this laborious meditation for months now, as to how should I cope with the whole OB-trauma-kick-in-the-stomach experience-thing, and I've finally concluded that sometimes, we human beings tend to stick with our present situations because of the following reasons:

a. We do not have any other choice.
b. We do have choices but we refuse to accept changes.
c. We're too busy to accomodate these thoughts, because of a much busier
schedule involving work.
d. We're lazy to find better venues.
e. We're coerced to stay (e.g. with OB).
f. Threaths and other headaches.
g. There are things better left unsaid.
h. We need further experience.
i. We do not have enough guts to stand for what is right.
j. We realize that it is better to be suffering while employed than
suffering with no money at hand.
k. The Philippines' unemployment rate is currently at 14%.
l. The company compensates well.
m. Life sucks, real hard.

Sobrang hirap, di makatao, poottahh!

But then again, im still here.

Whew.