27

In times of utter despair and you find yourself in near-clinical depression, you tend to yearn for beautiful things you might have had or missed. Oftentimes, people with sleeping disorders like me, struggle to achieve that state of bliss by merely hoping that all those things could at least come true or come back. Only, since we've all missed that bus at least once in our lives, we end up sleeping with tears or waking up with a big headache.

I am 27 now. Although I don't necessarily regret all those things that happened to me, I surely do miss all those things that have made me a better person now. So here's a list of 27 uberrantings, musings, hopes and misses that have troubled me for the last week. Argh.

I MISS:
1. That good, intimate and sincere kiss.
2. Being taken care of.
3. Celebrating stupid monthsaries, anniversaries and other dates.
4. Being harassed looking for that special gift to a loved one.
5. Movie marathon or not arguing over a Foreign language film.
6. Going out-of-town with that special one.
7. Taking a bath/shower together.
8. Dining intimately and sweetly in a fine restaurant.
9. Engaging in couple sports.
10. A big hug after a day of stress.
11. Exchanging sweet nothings.
12. Discussing future plans with a hope of lasting forever.
13. A really, really HOT sex, not that 'let's just get this over with' kind or 'i have to get up early tomorrow ' sex.


I HOPE:
14. That Hell is non-existent, because this boring and depressing Summer is endless, it resembles Dante's Inferno.
15. That my life change its course, its getting pretty lame.
16. That my bird-brained boss dies, for her sheer stupidity doesn't have a place in our society.
17. That I find purpose as soon as possible.
18. That Manny Pacquiao stops his obvious profiteering, because boxing has become more of a gamble than a sport.
19. Somebody kills off GMA and all those traditional politicians and bureaucrats, because our politics is getting nowhere, more and more people are leaving the country.
20. That the 2010 Elections pursue.

I LOVE:

21. House, 30 Rock and How I Met your Mother; because they consume most of my time this Summer.
22. The Global-Warming-induced rains, because they preoccupy our local news, instead of delving so much on the Mar Roxas pathetic profession of love to Korina Sanchez.
23. Century Tuna, for providing me with decent food, when budget and limited choices in the menu take a toll on my meals.
24. How my company wastes energy, as we senselessly report for VL. With free air conditioning and internet, not to mention bonding time with friends in our offices, they really do us a big favor this time.


I'M PUZZLED:
25. With how a company (that brags to the world world its sense of community) manages to be oblivious despite its corrupt and decaying culture/system/people.
26. With my own stubbornness, that I still stick with this predicament. The same predicament that has fooled me for months and caused me so much heartaches.

I STILL WANT:
27. To believe -- that my future is not a waste, that I will be happier in the next coming months, that life for the Filipinos will be promising with its kind of democracy, that love is not just a chemical reaction to pass on the genes, that I will be a better and a wiser man this time.


I know my list is a bit cynical. I just hope my 27th year yields far-convincing proofs that my life is indeed worth living.

WOW

Thousands of DVDs -- from the most stupid to the most mind-boggling.

Books -- Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, The Choice, The Arctic Event, Nights in Rodanthe.

Night-out and Events -- Makati, Eastwood, The Fort, Timog, Bay Area, Malate; from Farenheit to Project Runway Finale Show (Philippine Fashion Week).

TV Shows -- Friends, The Tudors, Project Runway Philippines, How I Met Your Mother, Amazing Race and CSI.


And some other things that pushed me to the edge.

Wow, all these, in a matter of 4 weeks.

Moving on and getting things right surely is expensive, not to mention, very sad...

ARGH!

MY VERY OWN PSYCHIATRIST-APPROVED REGIMEN FOR OVERCOMING MADNESS





These are well-proven ways on how to cope with heartache or madness, say, you're just dumped (like me!) or you're taking the vow of martyrdom. Being busted the third time is definitely life-changing, it makes you want to kill yourself. Haha.

10. MAKE YOURSELF BUSY AND TURN OFF THE PHONE. This is the first thing I do whenever I want to forget, even temporarily, what just happened. I clean up my apartment, read some books, hit the gym, iron out clothes or go outside. Turning off the cellphone, even for an hour, really makes a difference. This is transient preoccupation however, because at some point, you'll finish all your chores and end up not doing anything at all. Or you will have to text or call someone for something.


9. MANAGE YOUR PLAYLIST. During these times of pain, I steer clear of any mushy song. In fact, I created playlists on my player, to better organize my songs -- Slow, Pop, Rock and Club. Of the four, I do not play Slow and Pop, for John Legend, Alicia Keys, Dashboard Confessional, David Cook, U2, Rhianna, Coldplay, Paula Cole, Keane, One Republic and Babyface are there. Instead, I bathe myself with the music of Bob Marley, Incubus, Dave Matthews Band, Fall Out Boy, Maroon 5, Amy Winehouse, The Verve, Foo Fighters, Get Far, Beck, Switchfoot, Chillout Project artists, Matchbox 20 and even Bonnie Bailey. It really works for me, I instantly jump into my "Performer" mood, and bring my unit down.


8. NUMB YOURSELF WITH WATCHING SHOWS ON FREE TV. Free TV actually offers the worst representations of Philippine society. No offense, but we Filipinos deserve something better than Wowowee, Dyesebel or Pinoy Big Brother (Teen Edition). Im really grateful for 24 Oras or TV Patrol, because at least, they inform. But flash me with Willie Revillame brainwashing viewers with you-need-my-money attitude, or those brats inside Kuya's house trying to outwit themselves by crying and lashing out demeaning words, is just like suicide at its best! But then again, I want to forget so I tried looking for better shows to occupy my stretch. These are what I found so far, not really excellent shows, but better.

Monday - Chuck (CS-9) 8:00 pm
Brothers and Sister (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Tuesday - Pushing Daisies (2nd Avenue) 8:00pm
Ugly Betty (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Wednesday - still looking, actually. The Cut (?) (QTV 11) 8:30pm
Thursday - Make me a Supermodel (ETC) 8:00pm
Chuck replays (CS-9) 10:00pm
Friday - CSI (Studio 23) 8:30pm

** I still don't have cable, inaayos ko pa buhay ko, saka na yun.



--- TO BE CONTINUED

ANOTHER REASON




"Kung magpapapasok ka ng bagong tao sa buhay mo, ipaiwan mo sa labas ang tsinelas o sapatos. Para kapag gusto na nilang umalis, hindi ka na mahihirapang maglinis ng mga bakas nito. "

My gym membership is about to expire next month. I actually have no plans of renewing it, or availing another one, even if the monthly damage reaches 10 pesos a month.

I enjoyed my gym experience. Although most of time I only pretend to work out, since the whole idea of me stretching muscles is ridiculous, I actually became healthier. I first thought of gym membership as just an unnecessary caprice one could ever have, for vanity reasons; but as time went by, perhaps due primarily to the boredom of summer and the absence of books to read, I finally caved in. I took delight in all its heavy machines and equipment, although this sounds completely ironic. Not to mention the occassional 'perk' any willing member could have, in times of dire heat and need.

There is another reason why I am not encouraging the idea of renewing it, basically.

I've always been prejudiced about men going to the gym. Not only do I think of them as mere products of sexual politics, but I also have this boxed perception that people there are conceited. It even grew when I learned that the gym has been hailed as "Mecca" by gay people nowadays, promiscuity may even become an understatement here because of its being 'given'; one of the reasons I loathed going to the gym at first.

When I started out, I swore I will never date a gym person, nor will I give out my number. Then it all happened.

You were different. Very much different with the people I often meet there. Unlike your usual counterparts, you actually make sense when you talk. we both share the same sentiments, and the conversation is fluid. I couldn't agree more with your principles, they mirror mine. Everything was a bliss, and it was too good to be true. That alone is enough. That alone is an easy bait, and I am now regretting that I have taken that.

I actually conferred this with my friends, seeking solace from an overwhelming situation. Hoping they'd offer a better pill than what Im used to, that is, falling even deeper into an abyss when things get really stupid. Instead, I got an extended version of caution - to take things slowly and not assume, which is the more rational thing to do. Yes it may be the best pill, but knowing myself, I will not care for that.

However, primarily due to my inexplicable sense of stubborn-ness, I let me heart be on the field again. I know its too early to say, but who am I to refuse my emotions. I really like spending time with you, in fact, things may become too comfortable, I could easily grab my boxers and sleep with you in an instant.

But then again, just like what most realities are, the whole thing is complicated. Although I like complications because they test my will and judgment, this time I desire for more brains than heart. I have been through a lot this summer, and I think I could not bear any more ache. I could still continue this apparent stupidity, but what is at stake is definitely more risky.

I am becoming more numb as days go by. Love has been very elusive for months, I fear one day I just might flee from it, just like what my friend has become -- a love cynic. I have already proven now, that gym cannot do me any good but tone my muscles, and that attraction that stems from that place will just be another game of randomness. That compatibility with a gym person is like finding a blue crab. And I actually hate the fact that you could be that indigo one.

When you called it last night, I was dumbfounded. Hurt, yes, but in relief. Because the more I see it, it's a lost cause. Something that may push me even further into becoming more lost as I am now. I loathe the fact that I really like you, that you fascinate me. It's really a good thing that you've finally had that resolution yourself, you saved me from an utter decay.

I just hope for your happiness now, basically. And mine as well. Because I have been searching for that for millennia now, that I might just bury myself into work I couldn't care for it anymore one day.

Gym has finally taught me a lot. It has made me realize that life is in fact a blend of depth and superficialness. That people there may not be the exact stereotype I always deem them to be, it's actually more than that. I have had my simple share of what its like to be vain and promiscuous, and I enjoyed that.

But one thing is for certain, it's not a place to find someone to share your thoughts and emotions with, because just like the relief you get from the steam room and sauna, it will somehow have to be washed off immediately. For the sweat might get you ill, the floors may get you fungus, and the heat may be too scorching to withstand.

You are my another reason for not renewing my membership. You have provided me with all the necessary justifications I need to support my stereotype of the gym culture. You are my ultimate reason to get back into shape now -- to really burden myself with work and with selfishness. You have catapulted me to become more realistic and pragmatic. You may even have confirmed my earlier and recurrent definition that 'love is just a chemical reaction to pass on the genes.'

And I thank you for that.

In the first place, why should I be sad and hurt, for something that has not been, or has not been fully realized?

It's really a good thing I asked you to leave your shoes by the door. I didn't have much difficulty cleaning up your traces.

A PECULIAR AND ALARMING SENSE OF INDIFFERENCE AND AMBIGUITY OVER A COMPLETELY INDESCRIBEABLE WEEKEND

I've noticed it just now, that everytime I feel down, confused or blue, I blog. And it somehow alarms me, for blogging may be one sign of yet another doom.

When you told me what happened in the massage place, how you did it with the masseur, I wasn't bothered for a few seconds. When it all dawned on me, I felt a fraction of something is going completely wrong.

I just had a crappy birthday weekend. I'm not really big on birthdays, call me selfish or evil, but for me, birthdays are purely symbolic and mechanical. Yes, it commemorates the day of your existence, but to realize it annually and to throw a considerable amount of effort, money and talent to celebrate it with friends, is rubbish. I have nothing against celebrations, or attending birthday parties but isn't it ridiculous that we only celebrate our life during that particular day of the year? Why can't we appreciate it everyday, and celebrate each day with our loved ones and friends? Why just that symbolic and predictable extravaganza?

My weekend turned out to be boring and crappy. The occasional gym visits are not all satisfying. Working out with complete strangers who only think of their appearance is not what I envisioned my long weekend to be. To make matters worse, the boredom of solitary confinement inside a Makati condo exhausts all your energy. Thank goodness I have books.

I do understand that you must work. That your work necessitates you to revel in Boracay, I do appreciate and support that. But to forget to check on me, once in while, through SMS is unforgivable. Talk about unlimited texting or less than 1 peso messages, to see if I'm still breathing; not to mention the fact that we both have phone lines. It is not a big deal actually, for you have already trained me on that. In fact, I'm slowly beginning to adapt the same practice. For the first 2 days, I understood it, because it was when you were at the busiest. Come the next couple of days, when you've already finished your event, and had all the time to at least call me. Im not really asking for an hourly update, just a simple sentence of you being fine/having fun is enough for me.

Blame it on the boredom, or the birthday perhaps, but it has bothered me that you didn't even bother.

I know all these came to an abrupt end when you lost all your valuables during the last night of your stay. It may be a bit selfish, yet again on my part, but did it ever cross your mind to inform me of what happened? No. I had to bother Charms just to get through you. Of course, she told me of your loss. But you see, it didn't appear so nice to have me as the last person to know.

When you arrived, I didn't know how to react. Should I feel sorry for your loss? Should I feel happy that you're home at last? Should I feel indignant about your utter lack of empathy during the weekend? Should I be an investigator and have you retell everything that happened in Boracay? Should I feel cordial and cheer you up?Or should I just shut up and cook for you? Much as I wanted to do everything and to absolutely console you, I opted to do the last, for you have already complained and whined about your bodyaches, colds, cough and all those little things that drove me away.

I wanted to spend the whole night with you. I wanted to at least be of help, now that you're in misery. I wanted to talk to you, more than anything else, because that has been deprived from me for the last few days. I just want to be with you. But that easily became Middle Earth.

You wanted a massage.

Annoyed and not wanting to blow things up, I easily gave in.

And then you told me what happened.

When everything was absorbed by my neurons, words had difficulty jumping out of my tongue. Things have started to pile up, and even old issues that have slumbered eons ago began to growl.

And now Im writing this entry. Although Vatican has crossed out limbo in its dictionary, I feel the exact word has consumed me, and I'm all flying to Italy to beat up those cardinals for completely discarding the word, when in fact, limbo is where I am now.