75 %

Im almost there. Just 25%. Although I dont want it really, but it's slowly exhausting me. I have a promise to make though, that I will love myself more than anything or anybody else beginning today.

That the next time it happens to me, I'll be more ready. Because my heart has been broken twice already this year, I dont think I can take any more ache.

One thing is assured though inspite all these, that my love the next time around will no less than what I have poured now, in fact even more. And Im pretty sure that person won't regret an inch for giving me that chance.

And I find it really unfair that I'll just have to throw it all away, slowly... Gradually...

For now I just want to take a rest. And sit as buses and trains pass me by.




GO ON GIRL
Ne Yo

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
Im thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

The mistake I made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
Im too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

LAST NIGHT's SIGH


It was more of a revelation. A cup of coffee at 9 o'clock in the evening.

I felt stupid. I felt insistent. Making myself fit into something that clearly doesn't want me in. And it woke me up, jolted me back to reality, as you sped up the winding road.

Im not mad at you. In fact, Im mad at myself for pushing impossible things, and for trying my fate, when everybody knows Im unfortunate at gambling. I wanted to cry it out, but surprisingly, my ducts were dry. It even gladdened me, that Im now strong enough to be rational at least.

It's my second nature to be makulit, sometimes, I just dont realize it, but Im becoming more annoying. What offended me last night was the face of disdain, that you were tired in the first place to accomodate me. You could have told me, I will understand. I maybe too pushy for things, but Im not stupid. It saddens me that I will always have to fight my way into your heart. That I am exerting too much effort to beg for your love. That sometimes you appear to be coerced.

Maybe I just want to be appreciated for what or who I am. Because I have so much love to give, I fear the whole situation might just burst my bubble. I dont want to find myself in a whole cynical sphere, where I view 'love' as a mere 'urge'. I still want to believe. And I still want to feel it. Desperate as it may seem, this totally captures my own being now.

Sad, I only long for that feeling. I haven't done anything wrong really, because I knew my place in the first place. I just want to love, and be loved in return, for it's the greatest thing in the world, as Moulin Rouge will put it.

There is indeed a fine fine line between love and a waste of time. And Im now starting to feel it's the latter. How I wish you could appreciate every little thing or effort I do for you. How I wish you will never grow tired of my sweet nothings and messages. How I wish you'll never get pissed with all my demands to be with you. But recent events have negated all of that, and consequently and surprisingly, I was able to see them -- that the love I have for you is no more than a lost cause. That its seemingly more a waste of our time, effort and emotions.

It was not a basically a waste for me, because I meant everything I said and did. It was worth it, in fact, because you have made me more mature. I do not regret having met or loved you at all. I learned a lot from you. And I will be forever grateful. You have already carved yourself an important section of my being.

I never actually thought this could get any more serious than this, I thought I could handle you. I shouldn't have let the whole situation absorb the whole of me in the first place, because as I try to move on and stay away from you, my shoes get heavier and heavier, my path gets more difficult to trail, my eyes become wetter with the bittersweet symphony and my heart crushed more rapidly into pieces.

Thank you for becoming part of my growing up.

MY VERY OWN PSYCHIATRIST-APPROVED REGIMEN FOR OVERCOMING MADNESS





These are well-proven ways on how to cope with heartache or madness, say, you're just dumped (like me!) or you're taking the vow of martyrdom. Being busted the third time is definitely life-changing, it makes you want to kill yourself. Haha.

10. MAKE YOURSELF BUSY AND TURN OFF THE PHONE. This is the first thing I do whenever I want to forget, even temporarily, what just happened. I clean up my apartment, read some books, hit the gym, iron out clothes or go outside. Turning off the cellphone, even for an hour, really makes a difference. This is transient preoccupation however, because at some point, you'll finish all your chores and end up not doing anything at all. Or you will have to text or call someone for something.


9. MANAGE YOUR PLAYLIST. During these times of pain, I steer clear of any mushy song. In fact, I created playlists on my player, to better organize my songs -- Slow, Pop, Rock and Club. Of the four, I do not play Slow and Pop, for John Legend, Alicia Keys, Dashboard Confessional, David Cook, U2, Rhianna, Coldplay, Paula Cole, Keane, One Republic and Babyface are there. Instead, I bathe myself with the music of Bob Marley, Incubus, Dave Matthews Band, Fall Out Boy, Maroon 5, Amy Winehouse, The Verve, Foo Fighters, Get Far, Beck, Switchfoot, Chillout Project artists, Matchbox 20 and even Bonnie Bailey. It really works for me, I instantly jump into my "Performer" mood, and bring my unit down.


8. NUMB YOURSELF WITH WATCHING SHOWS ON FREE TV. Free TV actually offers the worst representations of Philippine society. No offense, but we Filipinos deserve something better than Wowowee, Dyesebel or Pinoy Big Brother (Teen Edition). Im really grateful for 24 Oras or TV Patrol, because at least, they inform. But flash me with Willie Revillame brainwashing viewers with you-need-my-money attitude, or those brats inside Kuya's house trying to outwit themselves by crying and lashing out demeaning words, is just like suicide at its best! But then again, I want to forget so I tried looking for better shows to occupy my stretch. These are what I found so far, not really excellent shows, but better.

Monday - Chuck (CS-9) 8:00 pm
Brothers and Sister (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Tuesday - Pushing Daisies (2nd Avenue) 8:00pm
Ugly Betty (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Wednesday - still looking, actually. The Cut (?) (QTV 11) 8:30pm
Thursday - Make me a Supermodel (ETC) 8:00pm
Chuck replays (CS-9) 10:00pm
Friday - CSI (Studio 23) 8:30pm

** I still don't have cable, inaayos ko pa buhay ko, saka na yun.



--- TO BE CONTINUED

WHEN BARBECUE MEANT FAREWELL TO UTTER MADNESS AND INTRODUCTION TO PERDITION


An hour ago, I finally said goodbye. I hated the fact that I didn't have the courage to tell it myself, and instead use SMS to relay my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I did not plan it at all.

It's just that when you start talking about the other guy, I couldn't help but get affected. I tried to conceal my ache with small bites of liempo but it proved futile. I know we're going to Antipolo, but the agony has seeped through my veins, it completely ravaged my heart, I told you I was doing some errands instead.

I am starting to fall. I know I have made sure that you leave your shoes by the door, but the more I see you, the more drawn I become. I hate goodbyes, but it's a necessary one. For the whole thing is a lost cause anyway, and I am not that masochistic.

You thought I was different. Actually, I am. Different because once I've let down my guard, I am completely honest and truthful. Maybe I just don't have much experience in this kind of set-up, or I still have to learn a lot when it comes to relationships, it's just that everything is unbearable.

I am sorry for such an abrupt action. I just don't want to futher involve myself, it may be too late one day. You just dont know how sorry I am for doing this. You just dont realize how painful it is for me.

You dont have to worry. I have carefully devised a regimen of forgetting and playing numb. I should get used to this kind of complexity. I should not let this happen again. I must not let my impulsiveness and emotions get in the way once more. And I should stop hoping. I am now tired and exhausted.

How I wish I could get one of those iron masks for good. That way, I wouldn't have a hard time hiding my feelings. When I cried a while ago, I felt a surge of loneliness and despair. I felt so alone. If I have that iron mask, people won't see what Im going through. They will just be provided with a permanent smirk, or an awkward smile.

Just give me a week, and I will be over you. We could always be friends, just like what we agreed. You could always run for me for advice or for a simple talk. I just can't go with you to Antipolo and buy those furniture for him.

The barbecue was definitely good. The lunch was absolutely fine. Only the hurt was there to devour, and it was bittersweet.



CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what I need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere