LAST NIGHT's SIGH


It was more of a revelation. A cup of coffee at 9 o'clock in the evening.

I felt stupid. I felt insistent. Making myself fit into something that clearly doesn't want me in. And it woke me up, jolted me back to reality, as you sped up the winding road.

Im not mad at you. In fact, Im mad at myself for pushing impossible things, and for trying my fate, when everybody knows Im unfortunate at gambling. I wanted to cry it out, but surprisingly, my ducts were dry. It even gladdened me, that Im now strong enough to be rational at least.

It's my second nature to be makulit, sometimes, I just dont realize it, but Im becoming more annoying. What offended me last night was the face of disdain, that you were tired in the first place to accomodate me. You could have told me, I will understand. I maybe too pushy for things, but Im not stupid. It saddens me that I will always have to fight my way into your heart. That I am exerting too much effort to beg for your love. That sometimes you appear to be coerced.

Maybe I just want to be appreciated for what or who I am. Because I have so much love to give, I fear the whole situation might just burst my bubble. I dont want to find myself in a whole cynical sphere, where I view 'love' as a mere 'urge'. I still want to believe. And I still want to feel it. Desperate as it may seem, this totally captures my own being now.

Sad, I only long for that feeling. I haven't done anything wrong really, because I knew my place in the first place. I just want to love, and be loved in return, for it's the greatest thing in the world, as Moulin Rouge will put it.

There is indeed a fine fine line between love and a waste of time. And Im now starting to feel it's the latter. How I wish you could appreciate every little thing or effort I do for you. How I wish you will never grow tired of my sweet nothings and messages. How I wish you'll never get pissed with all my demands to be with you. But recent events have negated all of that, and consequently and surprisingly, I was able to see them -- that the love I have for you is no more than a lost cause. That its seemingly more a waste of our time, effort and emotions.

It was not a basically a waste for me, because I meant everything I said and did. It was worth it, in fact, because you have made me more mature. I do not regret having met or loved you at all. I learned a lot from you. And I will be forever grateful. You have already carved yourself an important section of my being.

I never actually thought this could get any more serious than this, I thought I could handle you. I shouldn't have let the whole situation absorb the whole of me in the first place, because as I try to move on and stay away from you, my shoes get heavier and heavier, my path gets more difficult to trail, my eyes become wetter with the bittersweet symphony and my heart crushed more rapidly into pieces.

Thank you for becoming part of my growing up.