HOW MY CYNIC FRIEND MADE ME REALIZE EVERYTHING OVER PARMA-HAM-MONGGO-AND-FRIED-DILIS, MY THREE-MONTH OLD DILEMMA.


NOTE: I would just like to apologize first, for all my stupid entries and all those emotional shit I've been saying.

If there's one person in the world who truly knows the real me, more than my family even, it will be my good friend Eko. We try to get together every once in a while, and during those times, either seem to have some problem that needs strengthening out.

Eko is a self-confessed cynic. His views on love are rather on the negative side, and oftentimes, he just couldn't care anymore. His standards for friendship and relationship is never-yielding, sometimes bordering on ivory tower or utopia. We share the same wavelength most probably, instead we could have stabbed each other to death for several reasons, or we could never have been friends in the first place. We agree to disagree in fact, and our tolerance for stupidity is literally zero.

He is one year younger, but a lot more mature than I am.

These are the things that transpired in my recent unlocking of secrets surrounding my three-month old dilemma and our apparent discerning of things already existent and yet conspicuous, about being GAY.

a. I am so immature. Yes, I totally get it now, and that's the most saddening part. I thought I was. People said I am. I could really be pesky most of the time, but that's because I'm Obsessive-Compulsive. I have been trying to restrain myself from being all involved and sweet, although sometimes, it really hurts. Maybe what's different now is the fact that, who Im up against is a more mature individual. The one who can confidently say - been there, done that.

b. I came out very late. Eko, on the other hand, has been gay since the sun touched his skin. His metaphor in fact, went like this: You were still in a cocoon, while we were busily fluttering around flowers. I hate it. Out of desperation in fact, I told Eko, "Should I go back and change court again?" He almost pushed me off the sidewalk.

I began this lifestyle really late. Relationship-wise, I have never been vacant since High School. I embraced my identity-crisis in 2002 and I have had 3 serious relationships since then, all of them involved 'living together'.

c. Things shouldn't be forced. There are things that are simply meant for you effortless, and things that are as complicated as a Rubik's cube. My dilemma now has been really tedious and tiring. And sometimes, I just find myself in a ridiculous contemplation that I am exerting too much effort. Tears and sweat altogether, and yet the outcome is still not enough, much to my dismay.

d. As a Third Party, I cannot demand. I know that, but I am human too. Eko went on further to tell me, "But those are the rules." I will always be the loser in this kind of set-up. I simply cant demand more time, since Im just the Third Party. I cannot possibly compete with a strong relationship, Im the newcomer. Nakikisawsaw, kumbaga.

e. As a Third Party still, I am simply at his mercy. True. Even my timetable is dependent on his. I hate this reality. Thankfully, as I try to get over such failure, I am becoming more independent now.

f. Act like him. Be like him. I tried mimicking his ways, and its really difficult. I tried not texting for a day, and it seemed very heartless. I am not difficult to talk with, I must reiterate, but such attitude over things is such an Everest to climb.

g. There will come a time, when I will totally be just like him. I know experience deals great amount to one's personality, but I simply dont bite the fact that we will all become a cynic, or heartless, or simply stern. I dont want this day to arrive. Being such sounds very impersonal, heartless and mechanical. So against my Communist and Romantic passion. I dont want to turn into another cynical individual, for I believe there is a much better way. The world is unfair and uncompromising already, I dont want it to bear another robotic soul. People could always harmonize; through love, understanding, compromise, trust, communication and a thousand more reasons, but cynicism, or being stern is not the only resort.

h. Be realistic and stop using your heart. Life is full of complications, accept it. The lifestyle that we chose is not gay at all. It is in fact, very hurtful and challenging. Reality is too complex a thought, since society will always be judgmental of us. We could always love, but only to a certain extent. We should love ourselves more, and we shouldn't put our 100% into someone.

i. I will fully understand these things outside, or when Im finally defeated. Enough said.

j. If he choose to let go of you, let go, because we always deserve someone better. Someone who wouldn't force you to compromise, or change; and who will always accept and love you for who you are. Someone who will be thankful for having you in his arms, every single day. Sigh.

k. It's all a part of growing up. Very true. How I wish I wouldn't have to undergo this process.

If this is how we grow up, then I'd want the Peter Pan complex. If this is how hurtful this lifestyle could be, then I dont want to be a love cynic. If this how complicated every little thing could be, even in the future, then Im afraid I'm only left with three options:

a. Go back and change court.
b. Be an optimistic, jaded escapist.
c. Totally escape everything.

Eko, brought about by his knowledge of my tendencies, urged me to send him SMS first thing in the morning. It was just to remind him I'm still here.

I am still here.


As I slowly perform everything you ask of me, I pick up little pieces along the way. Im afraid now, that as I grow up and face reality, that glimmer of hope disappears. That as I sway back and forth, the rope could easily snap. That as you drift away, I may never see you again. That as I grow more detached from you, every single day, as what you've always liked, I slowly forget about how much I love you.

75 %

Im almost there. Just 25%. Although I dont want it really, but it's slowly exhausting me. I have a promise to make though, that I will love myself more than anything or anybody else beginning today.

That the next time it happens to me, I'll be more ready. Because my heart has been broken twice already this year, I dont think I can take any more ache.

One thing is assured though inspite all these, that my love the next time around will no less than what I have poured now, in fact even more. And Im pretty sure that person won't regret an inch for giving me that chance.

And I find it really unfair that I'll just have to throw it all away, slowly... Gradually...

For now I just want to take a rest. And sit as buses and trains pass me by.




GO ON GIRL
Ne Yo

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
Im thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

The mistake I made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
Im too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

I AM NOT RAFAEL ROSSELL



I spoke too quickly. I shouldn't have said goodbye when I perfectly knew I couldn't bear it. Much as I wanted to avoid seeing you, you're simply overwhelming.

Last night, I absolutely understood everything. You couldn't be more blunt in telling me the real deal. I appreciated it all though, for clarity is all I need in the first place. It only made me feel inferior, but nonetheless, I believe it was the bitter pill I so wanted.

This is the problem with impulsive people, they often commit stupid acts especially when it comes to love, that they do not necessarily think in the most rational sense. That we usually utter words instantly, and by the end of the day, regretting every word at all.

It only sounded though that you have millions of excuses, just not to be with me. It's okay, I'd prefer it more than beating around the bush. But subtle words and cushioning the blow havent fled Webster's actually, you might try considering it the next time. I may be a a lot of things, but Im also human. Hehe.

I couldn't offer you any more comfort that you might need now. I am just an Average Juan. Im a good and mature person though, but I am not rich you know that, apparently. Im not good-looking either, you might be better off with those with 6-pack abs and drop-dead features. I teach, Im not the principal of the school. I cannot basically brag about material things, my place is a clear testament to that. I do not have a double-degree and I can't measure up with your ex's. I'm not even tall, nor fair-skinned. I do not have foreign lineage or anything, and I guess my father having dual-citizenship in Germany wouldn't matter at all. I do not even own a computer, which is a total pity since I use it a lot. I don't have a car to fetch you with. I could go on and on, since my confidence level has really sunk big time when we cleared things up, and still, I wouldn't fit in your standards.

All I could offer is love.

That I will definitely love you no matter what, that I will be the best friend ever, that I will not hurt you, that I will compromise everything for you, that I will try to be the best you want me to be, that I will satisfy even your most ridiculous fantasies, that I will not nag nor make you kulit, that I will cook for you everyday, if that's what you want, that I will not care if you're the oldest person on earth, that I will give you space and privacy, that I will just simply be there for you when you need me, that I will love you for every minute of the day...

That's all I can offer. Just that.

But I guess that's really trashed out now. Had I been Rafael Rossell, you could have easily said YES. I guess it will be a lot more difficult if I pushed it even harder, when you have stated every possible reason there is, just not to be with me.

I am grateful though that you still consider me as a friend. I want to thank you a million for that. It only takes a real mature person to not be annoyed by my qualms and shortcomings. Insecurity may have dampen my spirit now, but I could easily make peace with that. I dont exactly understand why this sort of things happen to me, but it's really worth the experience. I learned a lot from you.

Salamat for being the bigger person here. Dont you worry, I will try to be the best friend there is. Sigh.

ANOTHER REASON




"Kung magpapapasok ka ng bagong tao sa buhay mo, ipaiwan mo sa labas ang tsinelas o sapatos. Para kapag gusto na nilang umalis, hindi ka na mahihirapang maglinis ng mga bakas nito. "

My gym membership is about to expire next month. I actually have no plans of renewing it, or availing another one, even if the monthly damage reaches 10 pesos a month.

I enjoyed my gym experience. Although most of time I only pretend to work out, since the whole idea of me stretching muscles is ridiculous, I actually became healthier. I first thought of gym membership as just an unnecessary caprice one could ever have, for vanity reasons; but as time went by, perhaps due primarily to the boredom of summer and the absence of books to read, I finally caved in. I took delight in all its heavy machines and equipment, although this sounds completely ironic. Not to mention the occassional 'perk' any willing member could have, in times of dire heat and need.

There is another reason why I am not encouraging the idea of renewing it, basically.

I've always been prejudiced about men going to the gym. Not only do I think of them as mere products of sexual politics, but I also have this boxed perception that people there are conceited. It even grew when I learned that the gym has been hailed as "Mecca" by gay people nowadays, promiscuity may even become an understatement here because of its being 'given'; one of the reasons I loathed going to the gym at first.

When I started out, I swore I will never date a gym person, nor will I give out my number. Then it all happened.

You were different. Very much different with the people I often meet there. Unlike your usual counterparts, you actually make sense when you talk. we both share the same sentiments, and the conversation is fluid. I couldn't agree more with your principles, they mirror mine. Everything was a bliss, and it was too good to be true. That alone is enough. That alone is an easy bait, and I am now regretting that I have taken that.

I actually conferred this with my friends, seeking solace from an overwhelming situation. Hoping they'd offer a better pill than what Im used to, that is, falling even deeper into an abyss when things get really stupid. Instead, I got an extended version of caution - to take things slowly and not assume, which is the more rational thing to do. Yes it may be the best pill, but knowing myself, I will not care for that.

However, primarily due to my inexplicable sense of stubborn-ness, I let me heart be on the field again. I know its too early to say, but who am I to refuse my emotions. I really like spending time with you, in fact, things may become too comfortable, I could easily grab my boxers and sleep with you in an instant.

But then again, just like what most realities are, the whole thing is complicated. Although I like complications because they test my will and judgment, this time I desire for more brains than heart. I have been through a lot this summer, and I think I could not bear any more ache. I could still continue this apparent stupidity, but what is at stake is definitely more risky.

I am becoming more numb as days go by. Love has been very elusive for months, I fear one day I just might flee from it, just like what my friend has become -- a love cynic. I have already proven now, that gym cannot do me any good but tone my muscles, and that attraction that stems from that place will just be another game of randomness. That compatibility with a gym person is like finding a blue crab. And I actually hate the fact that you could be that indigo one.

When you called it last night, I was dumbfounded. Hurt, yes, but in relief. Because the more I see it, it's a lost cause. Something that may push me even further into becoming more lost as I am now. I loathe the fact that I really like you, that you fascinate me. It's really a good thing that you've finally had that resolution yourself, you saved me from an utter decay.

I just hope for your happiness now, basically. And mine as well. Because I have been searching for that for millennia now, that I might just bury myself into work I couldn't care for it anymore one day.

Gym has finally taught me a lot. It has made me realize that life is in fact a blend of depth and superficialness. That people there may not be the exact stereotype I always deem them to be, it's actually more than that. I have had my simple share of what its like to be vain and promiscuous, and I enjoyed that.

But one thing is for certain, it's not a place to find someone to share your thoughts and emotions with, because just like the relief you get from the steam room and sauna, it will somehow have to be washed off immediately. For the sweat might get you ill, the floors may get you fungus, and the heat may be too scorching to withstand.

You are my another reason for not renewing my membership. You have provided me with all the necessary justifications I need to support my stereotype of the gym culture. You are my ultimate reason to get back into shape now -- to really burden myself with work and with selfishness. You have catapulted me to become more realistic and pragmatic. You may even have confirmed my earlier and recurrent definition that 'love is just a chemical reaction to pass on the genes.'

And I thank you for that.

In the first place, why should I be sad and hurt, for something that has not been, or has not been fully realized?

It's really a good thing I asked you to leave your shoes by the door. I didn't have much difficulty cleaning up your traces.

WHEW

Now, I can breathe, I can think clearly and I'm rational. It just pisses me off, when I think of how evil men can be, all for the sake of love. For the past weeks, I have been in such emotional circus, and it's really very demeaning, you lose your sense of rationality, diplomacy and clarity. Self-esteem gets challenged, and patience stretched up to who-knows-where boundaries. Some of it bitter, some foul, others enlightening. It's really a joyride.

One cannot take bitterness and barbarism out of this kind of mess. Some go to extreme disrespect and outrage that they destroy things and life. Such actions are really far from civilization, and they require immediate legal actions, e.g. violation of privacy, grave threats, physical injury, moral defamation and destruction of property. Thankfully, I have connections.

Nevertheless, it's all part of the distant past. One must learn from mistakes, and be thankful for them, really, because they have transformed that self into a better human being. It's all a matter of choice, and freewill. If we ourselves let these things to forever haunt and destroy us, it's our choice, we'll be living in doom and hatred. If we just forget about it, and treat it as a memorable and fruitful aspect of our history, then we're left with no bitterness at all, and we continue with our lives. In the first place, it's all been done, and we can do nothing to change it.

We just need to brace that uncertain future with a smile, and with new beginnings.