MY FAIRLY ODD AND IRONIC SATURDAY

I woke up this morning with a weird jolt.

When I usually start Saturday with a heavy dose of caffeine and nicotine, this morning, I watered my plant. It was really strange, because 'watering my plant' is not part of my routine. I brewed up some coffee and munched on my chocolate-chip banana loaf, given by my student last Thursday, and browsed through my CDs.

While Marvin Gaye, The Temptations, Gladys Knight and the Jackson 5 (yes, Motown) lured me in my morning bliss, I got this strange epiphany (or whatever you may want to call it) -- I want to start an informal school in the province, for the out-of-school youths. Strange. Really. Because such thought usually comes whenever I wanted to calm myself, and at that moment, I wasn't even stressed out. It just came to me out of the blue and I sincerely hoped to make it a reality.

And then bang! I received my first text. Whatever great feeling I felt since I woke up just vanished, as I entered the pin code on my cellphone. Damn technology.

No matter how hard I tried to recall that morning bliss, I just couldn't anymore. My mind got cluttered up by reminders of chores, work stuff, dental appointment and the need to clean up my apartment. Sigh.

So I started de-cluttering my place. I returned the DVDs in their right cases, including those I bought because of the Awards Season and pumped up the volume of my speakers. With the right mix of cigarettes, music and chocolates, I got all the work done, including my formerly-tobacco-smelling comfort room.

How I wish I didn't have to read that text message. It completely ruined my daydreaming, I hadn't experienced one, for a long time maybe because I keep burying myself at work. I have turned into the mechanical prick I've always hated, and I honestly lost track of my ideal nature.

Daydreaming was one talent I've always been proud of, because I was really good at it. I could hold more concerts that U2 and Eraserheads combined, build more properties than Donald Trump himself, fuck more people than Jeff Stryker, start a more promising tomorrow than Barack Obama, wage a more successful revolution than Che Guevarra and pose for more pictorials than Akihiro Sato.

That damn text message was the spoiler, and it only read "Good Morning".

Ironic huh.

75 %

Im almost there. Just 25%. Although I dont want it really, but it's slowly exhausting me. I have a promise to make though, that I will love myself more than anything or anybody else beginning today.

That the next time it happens to me, I'll be more ready. Because my heart has been broken twice already this year, I dont think I can take any more ache.

One thing is assured though inspite all these, that my love the next time around will no less than what I have poured now, in fact even more. And Im pretty sure that person won't regret an inch for giving me that chance.

And I find it really unfair that I'll just have to throw it all away, slowly... Gradually...

For now I just want to take a rest. And sit as buses and trains pass me by.




GO ON GIRL
Ne Yo

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
Im thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

The mistake I made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
Im too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

CLEARING

And just like that, it's all over.

I always write, especially whenever Im upset. So please don't zero in on my blog.

FYI, those issues I raised before are just minor irritations and problems. The initial intention of the blog was just to CLEAR things up and hopefully solve them.

But you bailed on us. I asked you three simple questions, you didn't even respond. Oh Im sorry, you did, with silence.

When you told me what happened in Wensha was somewhat intentional, my heart turned immediately into a boulder. It was unfair, really, to think we both agree that if one of us falls out of love, he'd talk. For the last two weeks, you told me you've been feeling that way, and you let it all culminate with a lousy massage. Now that's pretty amazing.

When your long-overdue apology came, I accepted it. But don't expect things to be as normal, because, you're just unfair and mean. You waited for something like this to happen, so you could easily get your way out? You could have told me the moment it bothered you! I am not that difficult to talk with.

I am not mad. In fact, I just want to get this over with ASAP. Im a positive person, I look into the brighter side. I am not melodramatic. I hate soap operas. I forgive you.

But please, JUST GIVE ME THAT SPACE. Stop reaching out, we're already civil, leave it at that.

Now we're taking our own separate ways, I just hope we both get pretty nice apartments ASAP. The air inside is pretty exhausting and asphyxiating. The kitchen, in fact is too hot for me I can't stand it.

Goodbye.

Thanks for more than two years of happiness, I suppose. Well, for me, it was.

Good luck...

QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS...

I know we both agree to tell it when it has finally happened, but last night, the only thing that popped into my head was the question, Do you still love me?

We openly declare to be civil and diplomatic if one ever falls out of love, or if one suddenly sleeps with other people. It is easier or more human, we say, because it's within the boundaries of human decency. But last night was pretty odd. I can't even seem to know where to start.

Do I have to ask you that question?
Do we have to venture into that dangerous waters?
Do I have to start talking?
Do you feel a rift building up between us?
Do you notice that we are fighting and arguing more often now than before?

<
<
<
<
<

Have you ever been tired of us making faulty decisions and thinking about the same old problems everytime?
Have you ever yearned for something better and less complicated?
Have you ever thought of getting some space to think?
Have you got that realization that there is something wrong at least?

?

Whenever I ask how your massage was, I only wanted to know if you enjoyed it. I do not want to know if you did it with the masseur.

That is too much to handle -- the fact that you'd rather do it with a stranger than with me, after days of being away in Boracay, and broadcasting to the world how you missed and felt sorry for me, and to think I am so-called your partner --who by the way waited for you, and did not stop thinking of you. The partner who you didn't even inform about how you lost your phones etc. The partner who cared to cook for you and tried consoling you the moment you arrived, despite all your whinings. The man who is simply your partner.

That is just too crap.

And it fucking hurts.