TONIGHT I CAN WRITE THE SADDEST LINES

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

WOW

Thousands of DVDs -- from the most stupid to the most mind-boggling.

Books -- Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, The Choice, The Arctic Event, Nights in Rodanthe.

Night-out and Events -- Makati, Eastwood, The Fort, Timog, Bay Area, Malate; from Farenheit to Project Runway Finale Show (Philippine Fashion Week).

TV Shows -- Friends, The Tudors, Project Runway Philippines, How I Met Your Mother, Amazing Race and CSI.


And some other things that pushed me to the edge.

Wow, all these, in a matter of 4 weeks.

Moving on and getting things right surely is expensive, not to mention, very sad...

ARGH!

I AM NOT RAFAEL ROSSELL



I spoke too quickly. I shouldn't have said goodbye when I perfectly knew I couldn't bear it. Much as I wanted to avoid seeing you, you're simply overwhelming.

Last night, I absolutely understood everything. You couldn't be more blunt in telling me the real deal. I appreciated it all though, for clarity is all I need in the first place. It only made me feel inferior, but nonetheless, I believe it was the bitter pill I so wanted.

This is the problem with impulsive people, they often commit stupid acts especially when it comes to love, that they do not necessarily think in the most rational sense. That we usually utter words instantly, and by the end of the day, regretting every word at all.

It only sounded though that you have millions of excuses, just not to be with me. It's okay, I'd prefer it more than beating around the bush. But subtle words and cushioning the blow havent fled Webster's actually, you might try considering it the next time. I may be a a lot of things, but Im also human. Hehe.

I couldn't offer you any more comfort that you might need now. I am just an Average Juan. Im a good and mature person though, but I am not rich you know that, apparently. Im not good-looking either, you might be better off with those with 6-pack abs and drop-dead features. I teach, Im not the principal of the school. I cannot basically brag about material things, my place is a clear testament to that. I do not have a double-degree and I can't measure up with your ex's. I'm not even tall, nor fair-skinned. I do not have foreign lineage or anything, and I guess my father having dual-citizenship in Germany wouldn't matter at all. I do not even own a computer, which is a total pity since I use it a lot. I don't have a car to fetch you with. I could go on and on, since my confidence level has really sunk big time when we cleared things up, and still, I wouldn't fit in your standards.

All I could offer is love.

That I will definitely love you no matter what, that I will be the best friend ever, that I will not hurt you, that I will compromise everything for you, that I will try to be the best you want me to be, that I will satisfy even your most ridiculous fantasies, that I will not nag nor make you kulit, that I will cook for you everyday, if that's what you want, that I will not care if you're the oldest person on earth, that I will give you space and privacy, that I will just simply be there for you when you need me, that I will love you for every minute of the day...

That's all I can offer. Just that.

But I guess that's really trashed out now. Had I been Rafael Rossell, you could have easily said YES. I guess it will be a lot more difficult if I pushed it even harder, when you have stated every possible reason there is, just not to be with me.

I am grateful though that you still consider me as a friend. I want to thank you a million for that. It only takes a real mature person to not be annoyed by my qualms and shortcomings. Insecurity may have dampen my spirit now, but I could easily make peace with that. I dont exactly understand why this sort of things happen to me, but it's really worth the experience. I learned a lot from you.

Salamat for being the bigger person here. Dont you worry, I will try to be the best friend there is. Sigh.

ANOTHER REASON




"Kung magpapapasok ka ng bagong tao sa buhay mo, ipaiwan mo sa labas ang tsinelas o sapatos. Para kapag gusto na nilang umalis, hindi ka na mahihirapang maglinis ng mga bakas nito. "

My gym membership is about to expire next month. I actually have no plans of renewing it, or availing another one, even if the monthly damage reaches 10 pesos a month.

I enjoyed my gym experience. Although most of time I only pretend to work out, since the whole idea of me stretching muscles is ridiculous, I actually became healthier. I first thought of gym membership as just an unnecessary caprice one could ever have, for vanity reasons; but as time went by, perhaps due primarily to the boredom of summer and the absence of books to read, I finally caved in. I took delight in all its heavy machines and equipment, although this sounds completely ironic. Not to mention the occassional 'perk' any willing member could have, in times of dire heat and need.

There is another reason why I am not encouraging the idea of renewing it, basically.

I've always been prejudiced about men going to the gym. Not only do I think of them as mere products of sexual politics, but I also have this boxed perception that people there are conceited. It even grew when I learned that the gym has been hailed as "Mecca" by gay people nowadays, promiscuity may even become an understatement here because of its being 'given'; one of the reasons I loathed going to the gym at first.

When I started out, I swore I will never date a gym person, nor will I give out my number. Then it all happened.

You were different. Very much different with the people I often meet there. Unlike your usual counterparts, you actually make sense when you talk. we both share the same sentiments, and the conversation is fluid. I couldn't agree more with your principles, they mirror mine. Everything was a bliss, and it was too good to be true. That alone is enough. That alone is an easy bait, and I am now regretting that I have taken that.

I actually conferred this with my friends, seeking solace from an overwhelming situation. Hoping they'd offer a better pill than what Im used to, that is, falling even deeper into an abyss when things get really stupid. Instead, I got an extended version of caution - to take things slowly and not assume, which is the more rational thing to do. Yes it may be the best pill, but knowing myself, I will not care for that.

However, primarily due to my inexplicable sense of stubborn-ness, I let me heart be on the field again. I know its too early to say, but who am I to refuse my emotions. I really like spending time with you, in fact, things may become too comfortable, I could easily grab my boxers and sleep with you in an instant.

But then again, just like what most realities are, the whole thing is complicated. Although I like complications because they test my will and judgment, this time I desire for more brains than heart. I have been through a lot this summer, and I think I could not bear any more ache. I could still continue this apparent stupidity, but what is at stake is definitely more risky.

I am becoming more numb as days go by. Love has been very elusive for months, I fear one day I just might flee from it, just like what my friend has become -- a love cynic. I have already proven now, that gym cannot do me any good but tone my muscles, and that attraction that stems from that place will just be another game of randomness. That compatibility with a gym person is like finding a blue crab. And I actually hate the fact that you could be that indigo one.

When you called it last night, I was dumbfounded. Hurt, yes, but in relief. Because the more I see it, it's a lost cause. Something that may push me even further into becoming more lost as I am now. I loathe the fact that I really like you, that you fascinate me. It's really a good thing that you've finally had that resolution yourself, you saved me from an utter decay.

I just hope for your happiness now, basically. And mine as well. Because I have been searching for that for millennia now, that I might just bury myself into work I couldn't care for it anymore one day.

Gym has finally taught me a lot. It has made me realize that life is in fact a blend of depth and superficialness. That people there may not be the exact stereotype I always deem them to be, it's actually more than that. I have had my simple share of what its like to be vain and promiscuous, and I enjoyed that.

But one thing is for certain, it's not a place to find someone to share your thoughts and emotions with, because just like the relief you get from the steam room and sauna, it will somehow have to be washed off immediately. For the sweat might get you ill, the floors may get you fungus, and the heat may be too scorching to withstand.

You are my another reason for not renewing my membership. You have provided me with all the necessary justifications I need to support my stereotype of the gym culture. You are my ultimate reason to get back into shape now -- to really burden myself with work and with selfishness. You have catapulted me to become more realistic and pragmatic. You may even have confirmed my earlier and recurrent definition that 'love is just a chemical reaction to pass on the genes.'

And I thank you for that.

In the first place, why should I be sad and hurt, for something that has not been, or has not been fully realized?

It's really a good thing I asked you to leave your shoes by the door. I didn't have much difficulty cleaning up your traces.

SOLO FLIGHT

Gone are the days of cooking gourmet, shopping in the Organic market and Greenbelt, strolling in Salcedo Park, sipping coffee in the nearby Coffee Bean, and running for pepper and veggies in the Korean shop. So are the 24-hour security, glass-walled elevators, garbage chutes, air condition and exhaust.

Life definitely has kicked me in the nuts now as I move to QC. I am no stranger to this place, in fact, I used to live here 5 years ago, before my ex and I moved to an upscale Katipunan village.

My mornings are filled not by colds I got from too much use of AC, but of seemingly temporary cold breeze from nearby Cubao. My neighborhood is not as grand as Salcedo Village, but I am loving it. A stone's throw away is a panaderia where I can easily munch on Spanish bread for 2 pesos/each. Nearby is a computer shop that brags of its 25 pesos/2 hours promo. Mcdonalds, Cubao, EDSA, P. Tuazon, Aurora Boulevard, Katipunan Avenue, Eastwood, Ortigas Avenue, Antipolo and Santolan is just a jeepney ride. Laundry service pegs at 25 pesos per kilo, and to top it all, I am so near Dannylicious, one of my favorite less-prestigious-kainans.

Im off to a slow and tedious start though, as I brace solitude and uncertainty with tight budget and all. All I know, is that eventually I will be grateful for all of these. That in month's time, I can completely get myself together. Boredom may be killing me one pimple at a time, but it wont be for long, as I report back to school in a week.

With the exception of minor and inexplicable thrills, unexpected and undying issues, and resonating debts, my existence now has definitely taken a very different route. A path too risky and suicidal, I am so dying to trek.