THE SPACE AND THE LOST ASTRONAUT

And I have taken the more difficult and risky path. Milky Way proved to be a challenge afterall.

My friends could have easily slapped me when I told them just this afternoon what's bothering me. Most were in disbelief, for I have always projected that calm-and-collected persona ever since.

And you're with him today.

Most shook their heads, for my utter stubborn-ness, and the sheer concern that the whole thing is risky. I didn't want to tell my log-out-buddies at first, but it was eating me alive. Much as I wanted to contain it to myself, I had to seek refuge and moral shelter.

The whole idea of you being with the boyfriend made me even stressed out. It again revived the insecurity inside me that's about to hulk anytime.

They made me realize how difficult it is. MF even advised me to get some space first, to think and to let go. The other three, distanced themselves, maybe because they knew about my iron ears, and let me decipher it once again for myself.

But you make me happy. And I don't want to let go of the feeling, I told you Im playing all my cards here. We were together the whole weekend, and it felt like the most unbelieveable thing. Although last night felt like too much, I still chose to be with you. And the unspoken possible fact that you might be already fed up with my face withered away in your embrace.

Ang tigas daw ng ulo ko. Masasaktan lang daw ako sa ginagawa ko. At ako ang third party, I should give way.

I simply can't. Maybe this week, I'll try. Or maybe next week when you're already in Thailand. Or maybe things will change when you come back after that, you may really dump me then. The whole 'space' is too difficult, I can't even imagine it.

Frank may have left the Philippines, but little did the stupid typhoon know, I liked his rain in the first place.

DEATH KNOCKING


I've always been fascinated with death. When my brother died more than a decade ago, I stopped picturing death as something to be afraid of. Death may be a horrifying fact to be talked about within circles, but actually, I have already had my death and burial all planned out. I felt happy for the departed, for they would no longer have to endure life. But as time went by, I managed to come in good terms with death, as I began to view it as a natural process.

I had my own share of death and death-possibilities before. Back in high school, I tried to take my life with a pathetic razor; of course, after having drank 3 bottles of beer. I didn't want it to be painful, so I tried looking for more natural and abrupt means of dying, like forgetting to breathe, or jumping off the building. Im an Arien, my zodiac told me I'll die fire-related, so I figured, it's either I die literally from buring alive, or from passion. I'd prefer to die because of passion, for the choices of how to categorically die range from being either stabbed, thrown off the cliff, murdered, shot etc. It's limitless, basically.

Death, however, ironically seemed to linger around me during that time -- our family business died, my father sort of died to me, my faith in marriage also said goodbye, my beloved grandfather stopped living, my tearducts dried out, my belief in god also took off, and millions of things, to name a few. I survived them all though, but it transformed me into someone rather less human.

I haven't really thought about how unhealthy these are, but what I guess is my strength during these low moments is my ability to cope and escape. Coping and escaping from the mere sense of it all shielded me from the pain, but it came with a price, I lost the will to cry. I also became reckless and selfish, only thinking about the happiness of me and those I love, is the only thing that mattered. Death may have hovered above me for years, but my mind is a lot stronger, I guess, when I busied and tried reasoning it all out with the help of cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. In fact, UP has indeed become a very good nurturing ground for my newfound superpowers, as my belief in death became rationalized. Thanks to Philosophy, Social Sciences and all, my positive outlook in all sorts of death became clearer. I began to understand them better, and I embraced them with tearducts now; but still with a selective heart.

My very own plan of burial became more elaborate and ornate in fact.

Things were going smoothly until a year ago, my friend committed suicide. But that didn't deter me from believing that life is how we make it. I still ignored death's attempt to lure me.

These past few weeks, I again witnessed this never-elusive fascination. I saw the death of my very own relationship. I thought about jumping off the 12th floor, not only because of that, but due to never-ending family problems as well. My colleague's mom died, after her career as a-school-teacher-for-the-brats died just days before. A student also gave up for mysterious reasons last Friday, and today, I learned about a colleague's misfortune as his newborn son refused to embrace life.

As I trace my way now back to my apartment, I couldn't help but wonder, is death really knocking on my door? Would death be not just a natural thing for me, but a wonderful state as well? Is death really the way out? Will my mind again defeat this phenomenon, as slowly, I become more attracted to it once more? Will death succeed this time?

All I know now as of this moment, is that I still have the strength to write blogs and get in touch with the outside world. Though unending sadness, weeks-long boredom and seemingly-permanent frustration over things haunt me every minute, I still manage to decide to breathe.

I just don't know for how long.

LOSS

I just found about it today. And it disturbed me the whole day. My friend, Fe died last May 25. An article about her appeared in the Inquirer, and it all came to me as a shock, that left me with teary eyes and disbelief.

She committed suicide in her apartment in Baltimore. She went to the US, of course, for greener pastures, and she killed herself because of her husband.

It was shocking. It was disturbing. It was an eye-opener.

Apparently, my friends have been trying to contact me for weeks now, just to tell me the story, and for me to visit her one last time. But it was futile. I recently just changed my mobile number, without even trying to get in touch with them.

The whole thing made me realize my mistake. And it was a mistake that has been recurring for ages now. That I take people for granted, especially my friends. I have this tendency to detach myself from them, for reasons I haven't even realized until today.

And its so painful, when one of the friends who I take for granted, suddenly just passes away. Out of depression, and desperation; and I didn't even exert extra effort to help her. Or even be there, during the last crucial moments of her life.

It was indeed an eye-opener. And I couldn't help but cry about it. I cry because not only did I lose a precious friend, because the realization that arrived to me smacked me right up on my face.

Big time.