CHAOTIC AND FUCKED UP

It's all starting to sink in now -- the consequences of my actions, and the doom awaiting for me, anytime from now.

Everything started last week, from mere chit-chats, it evolved into something greater and compelling. I know it wasn't the right thing for me to do, since Im falling for a completely wrong person - my friend's lover.

I know things will get more complicated and jammed, but we just could help ourselves, or at least, I couldnt help myself, or was oblivious of what Im doing.

Until last night, my friend saw us in the parking lot. He was furious. I was speechless and nonchalant. He bursted but I was calm. I completely understood his behavior, because this is my mess.

When I got home, I told my friends (now old friends)what happened. I also spilled it out to my ex. My ex cried. My heart, now crushed, wanted to disintegrate even more. I lost it, I lost everything, and I've lost my dignity.

Every inch of my existence now comes into vapor. When I went to work the following morning, I couldnt believe what happened. I gathered all the strength I have, to put myself all together, but I guess the shame of my mistake haunts me even more inevitable, that I could no longer think in a rational way. Thankfully, I have friends at work.

I received a text from a friend, telling my ex wants to move out as soon as possible, because my ex cant take it anymore. I insisted that I'll be the one to move out instead, because its my poop anyway. Quickly, I asked everybody in the office if they know some place where I could stay.

Now, I'm back to our old apartment. Memories started to come back as soon as I stepped in that bare loft, and all I could do that dreadful night was to cry. The downpour was overwhelming. I havent cried for ages, and it felt like someone has just stabbed my heart. It's now over, everything.

The damage has been done, and I couldnt fix it anymore. All I have to do now, is to start anew, with no more attachments, and no more mistakes, hopefully.

Mahirap. Masakit. Its a bitter pill to swallow, but I know things will definitely be healed when I take that tablet.

Sigh.