SIMPLY A RIDE

I have had three relationships. All of them gave me enough life experience that I treasure now. Although they all came from different backgrounds, my life with them is simply something money cannot measure.

The First: Rich Kid on the Block

My first venture into the real thing was right after college. I was very idealistic and impulsive then, and all felt like a challenge. The first was not at all new to this lifestyle, but he taught me valuable things about this life. We both even had the same ordeal to go through -- coming out. He came out to his family, and I, to my friends. The whole year was more of proving and withstanding every possible problem. It felt like we were going against all odds.

The Second: Call Center With Hang-ups

We started off with the wrong foot, as I had him first as the third party. It was more of a test for me. The experience, so to speak, was the typical you-turned-my-world-upside-down case, as I have trailed a complicated life. We both left our relationships and decided to start anew. It was worth it, as the two years taught me how to navigate through downtown Manila (Sta.Cruz, Recto, etc.) and live his life. This newfound experience was all different, but it was really worth it. The lessons I learned molded me into becoming the much stronger person as I believe I am now. The partnership ended with us, being tired and with a complete chaos.

The Third: The Seeming Rescue and the Apparent Bliss

Another rocky start, as I rescued him from a pointless, disrespectful and dependent relationship. It wasn't easy, as the mess brought him literal chills that I willingly embraced, and bravely conquered. Unlike the first two, our partnership was all bliss, blame it on maturity perhaps, but the whole thing was free of green eyes and paranoia. There wasn't even a third party, and just like any other song, it really had to end. It was the most realistic and bittersweet ending yet. And we were surprised at how much we've grown individually.

And that's my stupid love story. My friend once asked me, "Why do you bother being gay? When you don't look like one, you hate their music, you've had girlfriends before, and you hate the stereotype?" I just replied, "I really don't know. Maybe because it is gay."

YOU: The Gamble I Never Imagined Playing

Right now, I am torn. I simply push my luck and hope for better tomorrows. This is something out of my hands, for I have already played all my cards, and I hate to lose.

This is simply something I cannot and will not have, I suppose. And the whole waiting-in-vain is originally not my cup of tea, I just drank it blindfold.

All Im proud of, I guess, is that I didn't prevent myself from loving you. I do not like regrets and endless what-ifs, they simply bore us to death and make us cry for spilled milk. I simply seize the moment, because that is all what I have now. Should you decide to finally call it quits, I will hold my head up high, for I stuck to what was real to me and to what made me happy.

I hate my parents for bringing up a brat. I hate UP for making me an existentialist. I hate love for showering me with all things sweet and complicated. I just hate it.

75 %

Im almost there. Just 25%. Although I dont want it really, but it's slowly exhausting me. I have a promise to make though, that I will love myself more than anything or anybody else beginning today.

That the next time it happens to me, I'll be more ready. Because my heart has been broken twice already this year, I dont think I can take any more ache.

One thing is assured though inspite all these, that my love the next time around will no less than what I have poured now, in fact even more. And Im pretty sure that person won't regret an inch for giving me that chance.

And I find it really unfair that I'll just have to throw it all away, slowly... Gradually...

For now I just want to take a rest. And sit as buses and trains pass me by.




GO ON GIRL
Ne Yo

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
Im thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

The mistake I made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
Im too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

WHAT IF
An attempt to write in Filipino





Kalbo. Sana naman hindi dumating yung oras na magpakalbo akong muli. Tuwing ginagagawa ko 'to, isa lang ang ibig sabihin. Kung hindi man nainis na ako sa sarili ko, nagpapakalbo ako para makalimot, o magsimulang panibago.



Hindi ko alam kung bakit, kung tutuusin. Marahil ay nakikita kong ang pagpapakalbo ay signos ng pagkabuhay, o resureksyon. Isang pahiwatig na handa na akong tahakin ang isang landas na ni ako man ay hindi nakakasiguro kung ano ang kakakahantungan.

NONCHALANCE



I want to think less of it. Although I still yearn for better things, I opt for nonchalance. This way, I'd more sane and rational.

I just go with the flow, trying to be less demanding and all. I think less of reality, it sucks.

Whatever comes my way, I hitch. Whatever it is that cant be achieved, I shrug.

And it feels easy. Numb.

ALL IN MY HEAD TODAY

Hay....I hate it.

STEREOPHONICS
It Means Nothing


Stereophonics Lyrics
It Means Nothing Lyrics

ONE THING WE FILIPINOS SHOULDN'T MISS



The Ayala Museum Gold of Ancestors Collection is finally open to the public. After a long wait, more specifically hundred of years of defining and searching for that distinct Filipino identity, we now have something to really brag about, alongside the collections of Egypt, Mesopotamia, China or any other ancient civilization.



The collection's something we shouldn't all miss. When I first saw the brochure, I wanted to cry, seriously. I wanted to show the world the treasures we have in the Philippines, the very civilization we had (and was diminished) even before those bully Westerners came.



I can't wait to go there. Maybe this weekend, I will try to retrace my steps as a Filipino, with this collection.

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

LAST NIGHT's SIGH


It was more of a revelation. A cup of coffee at 9 o'clock in the evening.

I felt stupid. I felt insistent. Making myself fit into something that clearly doesn't want me in. And it woke me up, jolted me back to reality, as you sped up the winding road.

Im not mad at you. In fact, Im mad at myself for pushing impossible things, and for trying my fate, when everybody knows Im unfortunate at gambling. I wanted to cry it out, but surprisingly, my ducts were dry. It even gladdened me, that Im now strong enough to be rational at least.

It's my second nature to be makulit, sometimes, I just dont realize it, but Im becoming more annoying. What offended me last night was the face of disdain, that you were tired in the first place to accomodate me. You could have told me, I will understand. I maybe too pushy for things, but Im not stupid. It saddens me that I will always have to fight my way into your heart. That I am exerting too much effort to beg for your love. That sometimes you appear to be coerced.

Maybe I just want to be appreciated for what or who I am. Because I have so much love to give, I fear the whole situation might just burst my bubble. I dont want to find myself in a whole cynical sphere, where I view 'love' as a mere 'urge'. I still want to believe. And I still want to feel it. Desperate as it may seem, this totally captures my own being now.

Sad, I only long for that feeling. I haven't done anything wrong really, because I knew my place in the first place. I just want to love, and be loved in return, for it's the greatest thing in the world, as Moulin Rouge will put it.

There is indeed a fine fine line between love and a waste of time. And Im now starting to feel it's the latter. How I wish you could appreciate every little thing or effort I do for you. How I wish you will never grow tired of my sweet nothings and messages. How I wish you'll never get pissed with all my demands to be with you. But recent events have negated all of that, and consequently and surprisingly, I was able to see them -- that the love I have for you is no more than a lost cause. That its seemingly more a waste of our time, effort and emotions.

It was not a basically a waste for me, because I meant everything I said and did. It was worth it, in fact, because you have made me more mature. I do not regret having met or loved you at all. I learned a lot from you. And I will be forever grateful. You have already carved yourself an important section of my being.

I never actually thought this could get any more serious than this, I thought I could handle you. I shouldn't have let the whole situation absorb the whole of me in the first place, because as I try to move on and stay away from you, my shoes get heavier and heavier, my path gets more difficult to trail, my eyes become wetter with the bittersweet symphony and my heart crushed more rapidly into pieces.

Thank you for becoming part of my growing up.

FINE FINE LINE



There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.


There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

TIRED AND HELLISH


Im simply tired. Yesterday was the most ordeal I've had in weeks, and it's not getting any better.

Work is draining me to death, and the fact that I have to double-prepare everyday is not as delightful as it sounds.

My coordinator refuses to compromise, and hasn't really thought of improving my situation. Crap motivational words like, 'I know you can do it" and "It's been 3 weeks, you'll get the hang of it din" do not work for me. Stupidity may have devoured her for years, but common sense may still be within reach.

Love hasn't been kind with me since the other day. The whole idea of you being there abroad is torture enough. And the fact that you're not at all texty is an added pressure. I myself cannot understand what's happening to me either, being demanding and all, despite the knowledge that you're very busy. Maybe it's the self-destructive nature of me. Maybe it's the full moon. Maybe Im just going nuts.

Im simply tired. Tired of all the work. Tired of all the burden. A bit tired of waiting for you, or even for your sweet nothings. There are times when you simply need an affirmation, or a thoughtful gesture from the one you love, to at least easen up things.

I guess that's just too much to ask. I guess that's plain selfish of me.

BLISS




I am simply happy now, very oblivious of things that may come my way.

I am not anymore thinking of the consequences. I just value and cherish every moment I have with you. Life is too short to worry, I merely enjoy the most of what is present now, I do not want to regret having everything pass and knowing all I did was worry.

I cannot foretell how long will this happiness take me, I simply embrace the fact that we're happy. At least I am.

Maybe this explains why I am makulit, in the first place, I simply want to enjoy every moment with you. For everything hangs in a thread.