THE SPACE AND THE LOST ASTRONAUT

And I have taken the more difficult and risky path. Milky Way proved to be a challenge afterall.

My friends could have easily slapped me when I told them just this afternoon what's bothering me. Most were in disbelief, for I have always projected that calm-and-collected persona ever since.

And you're with him today.

Most shook their heads, for my utter stubborn-ness, and the sheer concern that the whole thing is risky. I didn't want to tell my log-out-buddies at first, but it was eating me alive. Much as I wanted to contain it to myself, I had to seek refuge and moral shelter.

The whole idea of you being with the boyfriend made me even stressed out. It again revived the insecurity inside me that's about to hulk anytime.

They made me realize how difficult it is. MF even advised me to get some space first, to think and to let go. The other three, distanced themselves, maybe because they knew about my iron ears, and let me decipher it once again for myself.

But you make me happy. And I don't want to let go of the feeling, I told you Im playing all my cards here. We were together the whole weekend, and it felt like the most unbelieveable thing. Although last night felt like too much, I still chose to be with you. And the unspoken possible fact that you might be already fed up with my face withered away in your embrace.

Ang tigas daw ng ulo ko. Masasaktan lang daw ako sa ginagawa ko. At ako ang third party, I should give way.

I simply can't. Maybe this week, I'll try. Or maybe next week when you're already in Thailand. Or maybe things will change when you come back after that, you may really dump me then. The whole 'space' is too difficult, I can't even imagine it.

Frank may have left the Philippines, but little did the stupid typhoon know, I liked his rain in the first place.

I HATE IT WHEN PSYCHOLOGISTS ARE RIGHT.

I took the damn test, and I simply laughed while reading the results. It's like tailored and conspired.

Here it is:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.


Take the same quiz, and find irony.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

For you: Do not even try to react to this. Im happy with what we are, and with what we have. Please don't take this against me, I am OK. Sometimes though, I feel human and not devoid of any hurt.


I'M CHASING PAVEMENTS




Whenever you're with him, I feel like the world is devouring me alive. But whenever Im with you, the world seems to halt.

This is the most stupid I've been. I perfectly know and understand your situation, but I still continue with this. I even unreluctantly agree to be with you all the time. I refuse to think whenever Im with you, and although it's insulting, I swallow all my pride, just to at least see you.

So this is what it feels like to be the 'other guy'. Jealousy immediately seeps in at the mention of the boyfriend. You want to assert yourself, but you cannot, because you're simply the No. 2, (or number 3?) And yet, despite all knowing and hurt, you still continue with the madness. Because if you refuse to give in to the flow, you might end up in that ditch again, all broken and blue.

I really don't know what's in store for me in the future. All I know is that Im very much happy with you, every second of it. I try to rationalize, but all seems futile, because the more I resist it, the more I get drawn.

I want to believe when you told me you're about to fall as well. It gave an inch of hope, I must admit. I want to assume you're really happy when we're together. I actually wish you will never leave, that you will stay until the morning. That I could show you even more how much you mean to me, even in my simplest ways.

But reality seems constraint as well, because you simply can't leave him. A fact more insulting, because it accentuates the truth that I can't measure up with him. That I will forever be the second or one of the other choices. I dont even want sometimes to bring up this sad fact, for it may tear me apart.

Im taking it all in, I trying to be more numb. Im trying to act naturally. I even actually pretend that Im the only one. I want to believe that there's something better in store in the future. Im chasing pavements although they seem to lead nowhere.

I guess that's just how I fall in love. Im simply stupid and blinded. That I humbly accept the painful reality that you will never be mine 100%. That I am content already with what you give, because I perfectly know, hanggang doon lang ang kaya mong ibigay.

And I embrace it whole-heartedly.

MY VERY OWN PSYCHIATRIST-APPROVED REGIMEN FOR OVERCOMING MADNESS





These are well-proven ways on how to cope with heartache or madness, say, you're just dumped (like me!) or you're taking the vow of martyrdom. Being busted the third time is definitely life-changing, it makes you want to kill yourself. Haha.

10. MAKE YOURSELF BUSY AND TURN OFF THE PHONE. This is the first thing I do whenever I want to forget, even temporarily, what just happened. I clean up my apartment, read some books, hit the gym, iron out clothes or go outside. Turning off the cellphone, even for an hour, really makes a difference. This is transient preoccupation however, because at some point, you'll finish all your chores and end up not doing anything at all. Or you will have to text or call someone for something.


9. MANAGE YOUR PLAYLIST. During these times of pain, I steer clear of any mushy song. In fact, I created playlists on my player, to better organize my songs -- Slow, Pop, Rock and Club. Of the four, I do not play Slow and Pop, for John Legend, Alicia Keys, Dashboard Confessional, David Cook, U2, Rhianna, Coldplay, Paula Cole, Keane, One Republic and Babyface are there. Instead, I bathe myself with the music of Bob Marley, Incubus, Dave Matthews Band, Fall Out Boy, Maroon 5, Amy Winehouse, The Verve, Foo Fighters, Get Far, Beck, Switchfoot, Chillout Project artists, Matchbox 20 and even Bonnie Bailey. It really works for me, I instantly jump into my "Performer" mood, and bring my unit down.


8. NUMB YOURSELF WITH WATCHING SHOWS ON FREE TV. Free TV actually offers the worst representations of Philippine society. No offense, but we Filipinos deserve something better than Wowowee, Dyesebel or Pinoy Big Brother (Teen Edition). Im really grateful for 24 Oras or TV Patrol, because at least, they inform. But flash me with Willie Revillame brainwashing viewers with you-need-my-money attitude, or those brats inside Kuya's house trying to outwit themselves by crying and lashing out demeaning words, is just like suicide at its best! But then again, I want to forget so I tried looking for better shows to occupy my stretch. These are what I found so far, not really excellent shows, but better.

Monday - Chuck (CS-9) 8:00 pm
Brothers and Sister (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Tuesday - Pushing Daisies (2nd Avenue) 8:00pm
Ugly Betty (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Wednesday - still looking, actually. The Cut (?) (QTV 11) 8:30pm
Thursday - Make me a Supermodel (ETC) 8:00pm
Chuck replays (CS-9) 10:00pm
Friday - CSI (Studio 23) 8:30pm

** I still don't have cable, inaayos ko pa buhay ko, saka na yun.



--- TO BE CONTINUED

ADELE

I love the music video. So nice.

I AM NOT RAFAEL ROSSELL



I spoke too quickly. I shouldn't have said goodbye when I perfectly knew I couldn't bear it. Much as I wanted to avoid seeing you, you're simply overwhelming.

Last night, I absolutely understood everything. You couldn't be more blunt in telling me the real deal. I appreciated it all though, for clarity is all I need in the first place. It only made me feel inferior, but nonetheless, I believe it was the bitter pill I so wanted.

This is the problem with impulsive people, they often commit stupid acts especially when it comes to love, that they do not necessarily think in the most rational sense. That we usually utter words instantly, and by the end of the day, regretting every word at all.

It only sounded though that you have millions of excuses, just not to be with me. It's okay, I'd prefer it more than beating around the bush. But subtle words and cushioning the blow havent fled Webster's actually, you might try considering it the next time. I may be a a lot of things, but Im also human. Hehe.

I couldn't offer you any more comfort that you might need now. I am just an Average Juan. Im a good and mature person though, but I am not rich you know that, apparently. Im not good-looking either, you might be better off with those with 6-pack abs and drop-dead features. I teach, Im not the principal of the school. I cannot basically brag about material things, my place is a clear testament to that. I do not have a double-degree and I can't measure up with your ex's. I'm not even tall, nor fair-skinned. I do not have foreign lineage or anything, and I guess my father having dual-citizenship in Germany wouldn't matter at all. I do not even own a computer, which is a total pity since I use it a lot. I don't have a car to fetch you with. I could go on and on, since my confidence level has really sunk big time when we cleared things up, and still, I wouldn't fit in your standards.

All I could offer is love.

That I will definitely love you no matter what, that I will be the best friend ever, that I will not hurt you, that I will compromise everything for you, that I will try to be the best you want me to be, that I will satisfy even your most ridiculous fantasies, that I will not nag nor make you kulit, that I will cook for you everyday, if that's what you want, that I will not care if you're the oldest person on earth, that I will give you space and privacy, that I will just simply be there for you when you need me, that I will love you for every minute of the day...

That's all I can offer. Just that.

But I guess that's really trashed out now. Had I been Rafael Rossell, you could have easily said YES. I guess it will be a lot more difficult if I pushed it even harder, when you have stated every possible reason there is, just not to be with me.

I am grateful though that you still consider me as a friend. I want to thank you a million for that. It only takes a real mature person to not be annoyed by my qualms and shortcomings. Insecurity may have dampen my spirit now, but I could easily make peace with that. I dont exactly understand why this sort of things happen to me, but it's really worth the experience. I learned a lot from you.

Salamat for being the bigger person here. Dont you worry, I will try to be the best friend there is. Sigh.

WHEN BARBECUE MEANT FAREWELL TO UTTER MADNESS AND INTRODUCTION TO PERDITION


An hour ago, I finally said goodbye. I hated the fact that I didn't have the courage to tell it myself, and instead use SMS to relay my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I did not plan it at all.

It's just that when you start talking about the other guy, I couldn't help but get affected. I tried to conceal my ache with small bites of liempo but it proved futile. I know we're going to Antipolo, but the agony has seeped through my veins, it completely ravaged my heart, I told you I was doing some errands instead.

I am starting to fall. I know I have made sure that you leave your shoes by the door, but the more I see you, the more drawn I become. I hate goodbyes, but it's a necessary one. For the whole thing is a lost cause anyway, and I am not that masochistic.

You thought I was different. Actually, I am. Different because once I've let down my guard, I am completely honest and truthful. Maybe I just don't have much experience in this kind of set-up, or I still have to learn a lot when it comes to relationships, it's just that everything is unbearable.

I am sorry for such an abrupt action. I just don't want to futher involve myself, it may be too late one day. You just dont know how sorry I am for doing this. You just dont realize how painful it is for me.

You dont have to worry. I have carefully devised a regimen of forgetting and playing numb. I should get used to this kind of complexity. I should not let this happen again. I must not let my impulsiveness and emotions get in the way once more. And I should stop hoping. I am now tired and exhausted.

How I wish I could get one of those iron masks for good. That way, I wouldn't have a hard time hiding my feelings. When I cried a while ago, I felt a surge of loneliness and despair. I felt so alone. If I have that iron mask, people won't see what Im going through. They will just be provided with a permanent smirk, or an awkward smile.

Just give me a week, and I will be over you. We could always be friends, just like what we agreed. You could always run for me for advice or for a simple talk. I just can't go with you to Antipolo and buy those furniture for him.

The barbecue was definitely good. The lunch was absolutely fine. Only the hurt was there to devour, and it was bittersweet.



CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what I need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

STOLEN
Dashboard Confessional


You watch the season pull up its own stakes
and catch the last weekend of the last week
before the gold and the glamour have been replaced,
another sun soaked season fades away

you have stolen my heart

invitation only grant farewells
crush the best one, of the best ones
clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

you have stolen my heart

and from the bar room floor we are a celebration
one good stretch before our hibernation
our dreams assured and we are, we'll sleep well

you have stolen
you have stolen my heart

i watch you spin around in the highest heels
you are the best one, of the best ones
we all look like we feel

you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart

ANOTHER REASON




"Kung magpapapasok ka ng bagong tao sa buhay mo, ipaiwan mo sa labas ang tsinelas o sapatos. Para kapag gusto na nilang umalis, hindi ka na mahihirapang maglinis ng mga bakas nito. "

My gym membership is about to expire next month. I actually have no plans of renewing it, or availing another one, even if the monthly damage reaches 10 pesos a month.

I enjoyed my gym experience. Although most of time I only pretend to work out, since the whole idea of me stretching muscles is ridiculous, I actually became healthier. I first thought of gym membership as just an unnecessary caprice one could ever have, for vanity reasons; but as time went by, perhaps due primarily to the boredom of summer and the absence of books to read, I finally caved in. I took delight in all its heavy machines and equipment, although this sounds completely ironic. Not to mention the occassional 'perk' any willing member could have, in times of dire heat and need.

There is another reason why I am not encouraging the idea of renewing it, basically.

I've always been prejudiced about men going to the gym. Not only do I think of them as mere products of sexual politics, but I also have this boxed perception that people there are conceited. It even grew when I learned that the gym has been hailed as "Mecca" by gay people nowadays, promiscuity may even become an understatement here because of its being 'given'; one of the reasons I loathed going to the gym at first.

When I started out, I swore I will never date a gym person, nor will I give out my number. Then it all happened.

You were different. Very much different with the people I often meet there. Unlike your usual counterparts, you actually make sense when you talk. we both share the same sentiments, and the conversation is fluid. I couldn't agree more with your principles, they mirror mine. Everything was a bliss, and it was too good to be true. That alone is enough. That alone is an easy bait, and I am now regretting that I have taken that.

I actually conferred this with my friends, seeking solace from an overwhelming situation. Hoping they'd offer a better pill than what Im used to, that is, falling even deeper into an abyss when things get really stupid. Instead, I got an extended version of caution - to take things slowly and not assume, which is the more rational thing to do. Yes it may be the best pill, but knowing myself, I will not care for that.

However, primarily due to my inexplicable sense of stubborn-ness, I let me heart be on the field again. I know its too early to say, but who am I to refuse my emotions. I really like spending time with you, in fact, things may become too comfortable, I could easily grab my boxers and sleep with you in an instant.

But then again, just like what most realities are, the whole thing is complicated. Although I like complications because they test my will and judgment, this time I desire for more brains than heart. I have been through a lot this summer, and I think I could not bear any more ache. I could still continue this apparent stupidity, but what is at stake is definitely more risky.

I am becoming more numb as days go by. Love has been very elusive for months, I fear one day I just might flee from it, just like what my friend has become -- a love cynic. I have already proven now, that gym cannot do me any good but tone my muscles, and that attraction that stems from that place will just be another game of randomness. That compatibility with a gym person is like finding a blue crab. And I actually hate the fact that you could be that indigo one.

When you called it last night, I was dumbfounded. Hurt, yes, but in relief. Because the more I see it, it's a lost cause. Something that may push me even further into becoming more lost as I am now. I loathe the fact that I really like you, that you fascinate me. It's really a good thing that you've finally had that resolution yourself, you saved me from an utter decay.

I just hope for your happiness now, basically. And mine as well. Because I have been searching for that for millennia now, that I might just bury myself into work I couldn't care for it anymore one day.

Gym has finally taught me a lot. It has made me realize that life is in fact a blend of depth and superficialness. That people there may not be the exact stereotype I always deem them to be, it's actually more than that. I have had my simple share of what its like to be vain and promiscuous, and I enjoyed that.

But one thing is for certain, it's not a place to find someone to share your thoughts and emotions with, because just like the relief you get from the steam room and sauna, it will somehow have to be washed off immediately. For the sweat might get you ill, the floors may get you fungus, and the heat may be too scorching to withstand.

You are my another reason for not renewing my membership. You have provided me with all the necessary justifications I need to support my stereotype of the gym culture. You are my ultimate reason to get back into shape now -- to really burden myself with work and with selfishness. You have catapulted me to become more realistic and pragmatic. You may even have confirmed my earlier and recurrent definition that 'love is just a chemical reaction to pass on the genes.'

And I thank you for that.

In the first place, why should I be sad and hurt, for something that has not been, or has not been fully realized?

It's really a good thing I asked you to leave your shoes by the door. I didn't have much difficulty cleaning up your traces.