LOSS

I just found about it today. And it disturbed me the whole day. My friend, Fe died last May 25. An article about her appeared in the Inquirer, and it all came to me as a shock, that left me with teary eyes and disbelief.

She committed suicide in her apartment in Baltimore. She went to the US, of course, for greener pastures, and she killed herself because of her husband.

It was shocking. It was disturbing. It was an eye-opener.

Apparently, my friends have been trying to contact me for weeks now, just to tell me the story, and for me to visit her one last time. But it was futile. I recently just changed my mobile number, without even trying to get in touch with them.

The whole thing made me realize my mistake. And it was a mistake that has been recurring for ages now. That I take people for granted, especially my friends. I have this tendency to detach myself from them, for reasons I haven't even realized until today.

And its so painful, when one of the friends who I take for granted, suddenly just passes away. Out of depression, and desperation; and I didn't even exert extra effort to help her. Or even be there, during the last crucial moments of her life.

It was indeed an eye-opener. And I couldn't help but cry about it. I cry because not only did I lose a precious friend, because the realization that arrived to me smacked me right up on my face.

Big time.

ISSUES

Im full of issues. I know it sounds so magazine-like, but yes, I will admit, Im full of contradictions and constraints.

Issue # 1: The Precious Mornings
I consider my mornings as my Personal time. When I was younger, I used to just stare blankly and sip my coffee. Now that Im all grown up (I hope), I still consider my mornings as my personal space, an opportunity to think and plan the things for the day thoroughly and silently. I just want to be myself, and enjoy solitude. I know, it doesnt really sound weird, but you haven't really heard the rest. Things dont just stop there.

Every morning, I will go on about my usual routine - coffee and some other knick-knacks, like oreo. I will smoke, and enjoy the simple marriage of my non-extravagant pleasures, because they are all oriented into doing an important event - the CR dilemma-slash-spectacle. I usually dont want company during this time of the day, but sometimes we just have to live with it. It's of course, very difficult for me, because it will only mean one thing - pressure. I feel pressured that there is someone right there, enjoying my precious time. And that mere presence will not actually disrupt, but alter the balance and harmony of my usual routine. That for me, is Pressure and will have a great impact on...

Issue # 2: The CR dilemma-slash-spectacle.
My CR time is the 2nd most precious. It's my ultimate and sole moment for myself and for my universe. When Im there, I'm totally uninhibited. I can do things freely and non-guiltily. I am free on my thought, to wander incessantly over things that seem impossible. And I am alone. It's the only place where I can be truly alone.

If my second issue gets distracted, then Im all irritated the rest of the day. I can only redeem that moment when I finally go home, after work, and Im alone then again. Nobody will meddle my CR moment, even if I stay there for 30 minutes.

Issue # 3: The Uninterrupted 10 PM-Chill out
Starting 10 pm, I should be getting ready to sleep. This is the time when I start to brush and clean up, so that by 11pm, Im all set up for dozing off. People say Im all irate by this time, but I have valid and concrete reasons. By 10 pm, to complete that 6-8 hours of ample sleep, one must be getting ready for tomorrow. Or else, things will start to bite you off in the ass by the next morning - like pimples on your face, eye bags with matching dark circles and red eyes, and headache that will forever ruin your day. I just want to keep things in order. See?


>> to be continued.

COLD TURKEY

I've finally quit smoking. Err, well, not completely, but I'm really trying.

From scoring almost a pack a day, Im now down to 1-2x per diem. It's really difficult, because I've been killing myself for 9 years now, and all of a sudden, Im calling it quits.

During the first week, I must say, I really felt sick. I was so nauseous. I got colds and cough. I was literally weak. But one may ask, why quit, when smoking has always entailed coolness and dirtiness? Well, it takes a birthday and a budget constraint to do that. Hehehe. Seriously, I've been thinking a lot lately about really stopping this filthy habit. And then came my partner's birthday and asked that this be my gift. So I caved in. And then followed by the fact that I am in fact, killing other people through my second-hand smoke, it really scared the hell out of me.

Besides, it goes against my ideals of becoming an environmentalist (naks). Come to think of it, if I quit now, I will be helping out Mother Earth get rid of all these toxic gases in her atmosphere. Statistically, I am lessening global warming and pollution rate by 1:100000000000000000000000000000000. See? I am now, an aide to preserving nature.

Actually, I miss smoking. I miss holding that little piece of death in my fingers. The way the pollutants creep through my lungs and burn my air sacs is very much disheartening. I would really kill for that. So far, Im doing good. Before or after work, I light up one, just to eliminate the work stress. And that's it. Oftentimes, when the urge is indescribeable, and the salivation is beyond control, I eat. Although now, the problem I must forsee is being overweight or having a ridiculous belly.

From this I learned, I am now evolving. Yes, into the next stage. That I am now a social being, capable of caring for others and getting out of my own selfish shell. It's a nice feeling, although it often feels weird. For how long I can deprive myself of that filthy habit, I honestly dont know. What I know now is that I'm doing this not for myself, but for those I love.

Naks.