WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH SMILEYS?

Im giving up. Slowly. Now that Im almost over you, it will be easy. Love is beginning to pace up as mere hatred and disappointment.

Just you wait, I can fully do everything you've always wanted.

I hope you're happy now...

HOW MY CYNIC FRIEND MADE ME REALIZE EVERYTHING OVER PARMA-HAM-MONGGO-AND-FRIED-DILIS, MY THREE-MONTH OLD DILEMMA.


NOTE: I would just like to apologize first, for all my stupid entries and all those emotional shit I've been saying.

If there's one person in the world who truly knows the real me, more than my family even, it will be my good friend Eko. We try to get together every once in a while, and during those times, either seem to have some problem that needs strengthening out.

Eko is a self-confessed cynic. His views on love are rather on the negative side, and oftentimes, he just couldn't care anymore. His standards for friendship and relationship is never-yielding, sometimes bordering on ivory tower or utopia. We share the same wavelength most probably, instead we could have stabbed each other to death for several reasons, or we could never have been friends in the first place. We agree to disagree in fact, and our tolerance for stupidity is literally zero.

He is one year younger, but a lot more mature than I am.

These are the things that transpired in my recent unlocking of secrets surrounding my three-month old dilemma and our apparent discerning of things already existent and yet conspicuous, about being GAY.

a. I am so immature. Yes, I totally get it now, and that's the most saddening part. I thought I was. People said I am. I could really be pesky most of the time, but that's because I'm Obsessive-Compulsive. I have been trying to restrain myself from being all involved and sweet, although sometimes, it really hurts. Maybe what's different now is the fact that, who Im up against is a more mature individual. The one who can confidently say - been there, done that.

b. I came out very late. Eko, on the other hand, has been gay since the sun touched his skin. His metaphor in fact, went like this: You were still in a cocoon, while we were busily fluttering around flowers. I hate it. Out of desperation in fact, I told Eko, "Should I go back and change court again?" He almost pushed me off the sidewalk.

I began this lifestyle really late. Relationship-wise, I have never been vacant since High School. I embraced my identity-crisis in 2002 and I have had 3 serious relationships since then, all of them involved 'living together'.

c. Things shouldn't be forced. There are things that are simply meant for you effortless, and things that are as complicated as a Rubik's cube. My dilemma now has been really tedious and tiring. And sometimes, I just find myself in a ridiculous contemplation that I am exerting too much effort. Tears and sweat altogether, and yet the outcome is still not enough, much to my dismay.

d. As a Third Party, I cannot demand. I know that, but I am human too. Eko went on further to tell me, "But those are the rules." I will always be the loser in this kind of set-up. I simply cant demand more time, since Im just the Third Party. I cannot possibly compete with a strong relationship, Im the newcomer. Nakikisawsaw, kumbaga.

e. As a Third Party still, I am simply at his mercy. True. Even my timetable is dependent on his. I hate this reality. Thankfully, as I try to get over such failure, I am becoming more independent now.

f. Act like him. Be like him. I tried mimicking his ways, and its really difficult. I tried not texting for a day, and it seemed very heartless. I am not difficult to talk with, I must reiterate, but such attitude over things is such an Everest to climb.

g. There will come a time, when I will totally be just like him. I know experience deals great amount to one's personality, but I simply dont bite the fact that we will all become a cynic, or heartless, or simply stern. I dont want this day to arrive. Being such sounds very impersonal, heartless and mechanical. So against my Communist and Romantic passion. I dont want to turn into another cynical individual, for I believe there is a much better way. The world is unfair and uncompromising already, I dont want it to bear another robotic soul. People could always harmonize; through love, understanding, compromise, trust, communication and a thousand more reasons, but cynicism, or being stern is not the only resort.

h. Be realistic and stop using your heart. Life is full of complications, accept it. The lifestyle that we chose is not gay at all. It is in fact, very hurtful and challenging. Reality is too complex a thought, since society will always be judgmental of us. We could always love, but only to a certain extent. We should love ourselves more, and we shouldn't put our 100% into someone.

i. I will fully understand these things outside, or when Im finally defeated. Enough said.

j. If he choose to let go of you, let go, because we always deserve someone better. Someone who wouldn't force you to compromise, or change; and who will always accept and love you for who you are. Someone who will be thankful for having you in his arms, every single day. Sigh.

k. It's all a part of growing up. Very true. How I wish I wouldn't have to undergo this process.

If this is how we grow up, then I'd want the Peter Pan complex. If this is how hurtful this lifestyle could be, then I dont want to be a love cynic. If this how complicated every little thing could be, even in the future, then Im afraid I'm only left with three options:

a. Go back and change court.
b. Be an optimistic, jaded escapist.
c. Totally escape everything.

Eko, brought about by his knowledge of my tendencies, urged me to send him SMS first thing in the morning. It was just to remind him I'm still here.

I am still here.


As I slowly perform everything you ask of me, I pick up little pieces along the way. Im afraid now, that as I grow up and face reality, that glimmer of hope disappears. That as I sway back and forth, the rope could easily snap. That as you drift away, I may never see you again. That as I grow more detached from you, every single day, as what you've always liked, I slowly forget about how much I love you.

HMMM...



I really cant fully explain what happened, but I just felt the urge to delete my last post.

Yes, I do miss you of course, but when I received that message from you, it felt different. It seemed that all my long-lost self-respect has immediately dawned on me. It felt great. I was hurt with your message, but I think I have regained that strength and maturity I've been looking for, for 3 months.

It was as if, you stepped on a land mine, that was me, and it just ripped me open -- further catapulting me into a realm of bliss and complete understanding.

I just love Buddha, and how he influences my way of thinking nowadays. Maybe Buddhism is the right religion for me, since it will not necessitate me to believe in a god. Hehe...

Ha! : )

APPEASEMENT



Im officially missing you.

Everyday, it just seems you're really drifting away. To somewhere I could never really reach.

Fewer messages, almost impersonal tone. No sweet nothings whatsoever.

Annoyance. Short-circuitness. Apathy.

Once or twice brief encounters in a week.

The fact saddens me, in fact I hate it. I have to stay up late in the office, just to forget about it. Just to numb myself, and it's pathetic I know.

But that's the only solution I can think of right now, to at least appease my frail heart.

I fucking love you so much, and I hate it.

But you're already out there, far and away...