UNFATHOMABLE

2009-10-24T02:35:00.000-07:00

THIS TIME

At last. It's about time, it's really long overdue. Im happier now, much much happy the cloud has finally lifted. : )

2009-09-06T05:43:00.000-07:00

STILL

Im again tired. But this time, I'm strong enough to resist it. Unlike before when I can barely move at all, now I could at least wade against the stream. Like a salmon that braves to swim against the current to get to its home, I struggle to accept my destination blindfold.

Because still, Im not good enough for you, despite and inspite everything. Dont worry though, I am now perfectly ok with that.

I am in fact, very much hopeful that the right person is waiting for me. Waiting for me to wake up from this nightmare.

2009-07-31T23:37:00.000-07:00

END OF AN ERA

We're gonna miss you. You've been truly an inspiration for all of us. We'll forever be a PROUD FILIPINO because of what you have contributed to this country. Sigh...

We need more Filipinos/Filipinas like President Cory. We have to have fewer people like Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Damn.

This has been a heavy and tearful month for us, after MJ's death, now comes another HERO. Shit.

2009-06-19T04:17:00.000-07:00

LATEST BLOW

I am now my brother's keeper...literally.

My brother, having found himself shoved into adulthood because of unprotected sex, is now moving in with me. He has decided to file for LOA (leave of absence) despite the fact that he is graduating. Probably heavily induced by my father's jerkiness and my mother's nagging, he thinks getting out of the house and looking for a job will emancipate him.

I honestly don't know how to react and what to expect.

Does this mean I have to wrestle my way for that precious CR hours? Do I have to wear clothes now in my own apartment? Is he a new mouth to feed? Is this the end of my social life? Millions of questions, I am freaking out.

I'm meeting him this Sunday, I still have to coach him for a job interview on Monday.

A crisis indeed. I hate it. ARRRGGHH!!!!!

2009-04-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

27

In times of utter despair and you find yourself in near-clinical depression, you tend to yearn for beautiful things you might have had or missed. Oftentimes, people with sleeping disorders like me, struggle to achieve that state of bliss by merely hoping that all those things could at least come true or come back. Only, since we've all missed that bus at least once in our lives, we end up sleeping with tears or waking up with a big headache.

I am 27 now. Although I don't necessarily regret all those things that happened to me, I surely do miss all those things that have made me a better person now. So here's a list of 27 uberrantings, musings, hopes and misses that have troubled me for the last week. Argh.

I MISS:
1. That good, intimate and sincere kiss.
2. Being taken care of.
3. Celebrating stupid monthsaries, anniversaries and other dates.
4. Being harassed looking for that special gift to a loved one.
5. Movie marathon or not arguing over a Foreign language film.
6. Going out-of-town with that special one.
7. Taking a bath/shower together.
8. Dining intimately and sweetly in a fine restaurant.
9. Engaging in couple sports.
10. A big hug after a day of stress.
11. Exchanging sweet nothings.
12. Discussing future plans with a hope of lasting forever.
13. A really, really HOT sex, not that 'let's just get this over with' kind or 'i have to get up early tomorrow ' sex.

I HOPE:
14. That Hell is non-existent, because this boring and depressing Summer is endless, it resembles Dante's Inferno.
15. That my life change its course, its getting pretty lame.
16. That my bird-brained boss dies, for her sheer stupidity doesn't have a place in our society.
17. That I find purpose as soon as possible.
18. That Manny Pacquiao stops his obvious profiteering, because boxing has become more of a gamble than a sport.
19. Somebody kills off GMA and all those traditional politicians and bureaucrats, because our politics is getting nowhere, more and more people are leaving the country.
20. That the 2010 Elections pursue.

I LOVE:

21. House, 30 Rock and How I Met your Mother; because they consume most of my time this Summer.
22. The Global-Warming-induced rains, because they preoccupy our local news, instead of delving so much on the Mar Roxas pathetic profession of love to Korina Sanchez.
23. Century Tuna, for providing me with decent food, when budget and limited choices in the menu take a toll on my meals.
24. How my company wastes energy, as we senselessly report for VL. With free air conditioning and internet, not to mention bonding time with friends in our offices, they really do us a big favor this time.

I'M PUZZLED:
25. With how a company (that brags to the world world its sense of community) manages to be oblivious despite its corrupt and decaying culture/system/people.
26. With my own stubbornness, that I still stick with this predicament. The same predicament that has fooled me for months and caused me so much heartaches.

I STILL WANT:
27. To believe -- that my future is not a waste, that I will be happier in the next coming months, that life for the Filipinos will be promising with its kind of democracy, that love is not just a chemical reaction to pass on the genes, that I will be a better and a wiser man this time.

I know my list is a bit cynical. I just hope my 27th year yields far-convincing proofs that my life is indeed worth living.

2009-04-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

THE PROBLEM WITH CRITIQUE

I am not self-righteous, in fact, I know my flaws. But I've noticed everytime we tell our friends their 'areas to improve on', they become a little bit hostile. Why is that?

I don't have any problems facing my shortcomings, and I would love everyone I know to be like that. If I am your friend, you'll hear those straight from me, no holds barred but hoping you won't get offended and you'd take it constructively. I am a man of truthfulness and sometimes, tactlessness (according to people), I tend to be overly-critical, brutal, cynical and sarcastic. I AM LIKE THAT.

This same attitude often brings me to utter destruction, for people just seem to realize the sheer brutality in my comments. I loathe that, because the only reason I am being such, is because I am concerned. That's how I show my love and affection to friends. If I tell you of your relentless stupidity, its because I want you to change that, for the better.

However, I came to realize that in friendships, sometimes, its just more humane to shut up. Shutting up is far-fetched in my vocabulary, but the more I think of it, the better it sounds/appeals to me. Its what elders call as Prudence. And I must admit, I haven't got that.

In social relationships, it is indeed hard to define boundaries. Sometimes, our mere prying on the social life of friends may be interpreted otherwise. Our simple remarks could end up in misunderstanding, and our words could mean a thousand in one's ears. I've grown to be a lover of truth, thats why I always search for one; and the more I tell it, the more complicated life gets, because truth is quantifiable in millions of ways.

This is the constant dilemma, as I try to help a struggling friend face his unnoticed pitfalls -- to tell the truth but people consider that as hurtful, or tell a lie, compromise and fabricate the truth so people would just get along. In the end, it all boils down to the actual case, its subjective.

But if things will really be my way, I will still blurt out the shocking and awful truth. I don't care if people view me as a monster or plain evil, because that is what I think will be best for you. Friends are there to help, guide, mold, reprimand, understand and support each other, they're family. If I told you things you're hesitant to accept, I expect you to face that. If you're reluctant and get offended, I will still make you realize those things, I will apologize, but I won't take it back.

Truth comes in different forms, and in my circle of friends, truth comes in a pedantic and critical presence -- me.

2009-04-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA

I just love 30 ROCK! I actually spent most of the Holy Week watching Seasons 2 and 3, and now I cant get enough of them. Everybody is hilarious, especially the sarcasm! I would love to be a part of Liz Lemon's team.

This episode is one of my favorites, and it all began when Tracy brought a cappuccino machine in their office. However, Kenneth doesn't drink coffee, for the belief that coffee is corruptive. Kenneth became so addicted to coffee, he found himself totally changed by the 'NY lifestyle'. He decided to go home and catch the train, hence the 'musical part' of the episode. Meanwhile, Liz got paranoid over a posh apartment and Jack broke up with CC, the Democrat Congresswoman he fell in love with. Everybody summed up the episode, and of course their own experiences, with this Motown classic. Gladys Knight also appeared at the end.

Aww. this is good TV. I just wish we have something like this.

2009-03-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

It's been months. Although oftentimes I am happy, being single makes you insecure. Especially if you see millions of couples out there, the whole thing just burst out inside your head.

I clearly dont know have any idea what to do with my life. Please wake me up when June ends.

2009-01-31T02:24:00.000-08:00

MY FAIRLY ODD AND IRONIC SATURDAY

I woke up this morning with a weird jolt.

When I usually start Saturday with a heavy dose of caffeine and nicotine, this morning, I watered my plant. It was really strange, because 'watering my plant' is not part of my routine. I brewed up some coffee and munched on my chocolate-chip banana loaf, given by my student last Thursday, and browsed through my CDs.

While Marvin Gaye, The Temptations, Gladys Knight and the Jackson 5 (yes, Motown) lured me in my morning bliss, I got this strange epiphany (or whatever you may want to call it) -- I want to start an informal school in the province, for the out-of-school youths. Strange. Really. Because such thought usually comes whenever I wanted to calm myself, and at that moment, I wasn't even stressed out. It just came to me out of the blue and I sincerely hoped to make it a reality.

And then bang! I received my first text. Whatever great feeling I felt since I woke up just vanished, as I entered the pin code on my cellphone. Damn technology.

No matter how hard I tried to recall that morning bliss, I just couldn't anymore. My mind got cluttered up by reminders of chores, work stuff, dental appointment and the need to clean up my apartment. Sigh.

So I started de-cluttering my place. I returned the DVDs in their right cases, including those I bought because of the Awards Season and pumped up the volume of my speakers. With the right mix of cigarettes, music and chocolates, I got all the work done, including my formerly-tobacco-smelling comfort room.

How I wish I didn't have to read that text message. It completely ruined my daydreaming, I hadn't experienced one, for a long time maybe because I keep burying myself at work. I have turned into the mechanical prick I've always hated, and I honestly lost track of my ideal nature.

Daydreaming was one talent I've always been proud of, because I was really good at it. I could hold more concerts that U2 and Eraserheads combined, build more properties than Donald Trump himself, fuck more people than Jeff Stryker, start a more promising tomorrow than Barack Obama, wage a more successful revolution than Che Guevarra and pose for more pictorials than Akihiro Sato.

That damn text message was the spoiler, and it only read "Good Morning".

Ironic huh.

2009-01-11T01:15:00.000-08:00

Shit, my heart melts everytime I hear this. Sigh.

THE LAST TIME
Eric Benet

The first time I fell in love was long ago.
I didn't know how to give my love at all.
The next time I settled for what felt so close.
But without romance, you're never gonna fall.
After everything I've learned;
Now it's finally my turn.

This is the last time I'll fall... in love.
The first time we walked under that starry sky,
there was a moment when everything was clear.
I didn't need to ask or even wonder why, because each
question is answered when your near.
and I'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds,
this is the last time i'll fall in love.

Now don't hold back, just let me know.
Could i be moving much too fast or way too slow.
'Cause all of my life, I've waited for this day.
To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I'll never be the same.
You'll never know what it's taken me to say these words.
And now that I've said them, they could never be enough.
As far as I can see, there's only you and only me.

This is the last time I'll fall in love.
Last time i'll fall in love.
The last time i'll fall... in love.

2009-01-11T00:47:00.000-08:00

I really dont want to treat LOVE as mere commodity, but recent events have made me realize that love COULD be. Sigh.

Lessons in Love, by Way of Economics

By BEN STEIN of the New York Times

Published: July 13, 2008

AS my fine professor of economics at Columbia, C. Lowell Harriss (who just celebrated his 96th birthday) used to tell us, economics is the study of the allocation of scarce goods and services. What could be scarcer or more precious than love? It is rare, hard to come by and often fragile.

My primary life study has been about love. Second comes economics, so here, in the form of a few rules, is a little amalgam of the two fields: the economics of love. (I last wrote about this subject 20 years or so ago, and it’s time to update it.)

In general, and with rare exceptions, the returns in love situations are roughly proportional to the amount of time and devotion invested. The amount of love you get from an investment in love is correlated, if only roughly, to the amount of yourself you invest in the relationship.

If you invest caring, patience and unselfishness, you get those things back. (This assumes, of course, that you are having a relationship with someone who loves you, and not a one-sided love affair with someone who isn’t interested.)

•

High-quality bonds consistently yield more return than junk, and so it is with high-quality love. As for the returns on bonds, I know that my comment will come as a surprise to people who have been brainwashed into thinking that junk bonds are free money. They aren’t. The data from the maven of bond research, W. Braddock Hickman, shows that junk debt outperforms high quality only in rare situations, because of the default risk.

In love, the data is even clearer. Stay with high-quality human beings. And once you find that you are in a junk relationship, sell immediately. Junk situations can look appealing and seductive, but junk is junk. Be wary of it unless you control the market.

(Or, as I like to tell college students, the absolutely surest way to ruin your life is to have a relationship with someone with many serious problems, and to think that you can change this person.)

•

Research pays off. The most appealing and seductive (that word again) exterior can hide the most danger and chance of loss. For most of us, diversification in love, at least beyond a very small number, is impossible, so it’s necessary to do a lot of research on the choice you make. It is a rare man or woman who can resist the outward and the surface. But exteriors can hide far too much.

•

In every long-term romantic situation, returns are greater when there is a monopoly. If you have to share your love with others, if you have to compete even after a brief while with others, forget the whole thing. You want to have monopoly bonds with your long-term lover. At least most situations work out better this way. ( I am too old to consider short-term romantic events. Those were my life when Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon were in the White House.)

•

The returns on your investment should at least equal the cost of the investment. If you are getting less back than you put in over a considerable period of time, back off.

•

Long-term investment pays off. The impatient day player will fare poorly without inside information or market-controlling power. He or she will have a few good days but years of agony in the world of love.

To coin a phrase: Fall in love in haste, repent at leisure.

•

Realistic expectations are everything. If you have unrealistic expectations, they will rarely be met. If you think that you can go from nowhere to having someone wonderful in love with you, you are probably wrong.

You need expectations that match reality before you can make some progress. There may be exceptions, but they are rare.

•

When you have a winner, stick with your winner. Whether in love or in the stock market, winners are to be prized.

•

Have a dog or many dogs or cats in your life. These are your anchors to windward and your unfailing source of love.

Ben Franklin summed it up well. In times of stress, the three best things to have are an old dog, an old wife and ready money. How right he was.

THERE is more that could be said about the economics of love, but these thoughts may divert you while you are thinking about your future.

And let me close with another thought. I am far from glib about the economy. It has a lot of pitfalls facing it. As workers and investors, we know that many dangers lurk in our paths.

But so far, these things have always worked themselves out and this one will, too. In the meantime, they say that falling in love is wonderful, and that the best is falling in love with what you have.

2008-11-13T02:02:00.000-08:00

TONIGHT I CAN WRITE THE SADDEST LINES

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

2008-10-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

WOW

Thousands of DVDs -- from the most stupid to the most mind-boggling.

Books -- Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, The Choice, The Arctic Event, Nights in Rodanthe.

Night-out and Events -- Makati, Eastwood, The Fort, Timog, Bay Area, Malate; from Farenheit to Project Runway Finale Show (Philippine Fashion Week).

TV Shows -- Friends, The Tudors, Project Runway Philippines, How I Met Your Mother, Amazing Race and CSI.

And some other things that pushed me to the edge.

Wow, all these, in a matter of 4 weeks.

Moving on and getting things right surely is expensive, not to mention, very sad...

ARGH!

2008-10-20T00:32:00.000-07:00

SICK

Im sick. Literally sick. I must have caught the bug, and it 's slowing me down, I hate it.

Hay, how I wish I have someone to cuddle with. Hahaha.

2008-10-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

MUSINGS

A friend blogger gets troubled by the seeming hopelessness in Philippine society. I just can't blame him. A lot of people actually share the same sentiment, and it somehow gladdens me.

Because the more people who arrive at such consciousness, the more hope there is for us Filipinos.

A society that tolerates a corrupt government is as corrupt as the whole system itself. The way we apathize over GMA is one proof of that corruption. We have been very vigilant as a people, from the earliest times. In fact, the Spaniards had a difficult time pacifying the Philippines. But as we come close to the 2010, nothing has much changed, we are still that FORGIVING and EASY-TO-DEAL-WITH Filipinos. Not that Im saying those values are wrong, but at some point, they spell doom most of the time.

We were considered one of the most active citizenry in the world before. But lately, people have been numbed by the stagnant state of everything. I really cant blame those Filipinos who seek solace and fortune abroad. "When you're all shitty and sweaty in the kitchen, get out", I think that's what most of them say.

But I like the filth and the never-ending sweatdrops. I always carry a handkerchief for that. I do not want to leave the country. I guess as long as we continue to empower the people, there is still hope for the Philippines. There still hope for this great nation of ours, if we start the change within.

But enough is enough. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE BOMB BATASANG PAMBANSA OR AT LEAST KILL OFF GLORIA? CAN ABS-CBN AND GMA STOP THOSE MIND-NUMBING SHOWS? CAN SOMEBODY CLONE ANDRES BONIFACIO?

That will really make a difference.

2008-10-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

GRRRRR....

I simply don't know what to say. I've been in this state for more than 4 months now. Although lately, things haven't been really in my favor, and that this whole thing has finally been coming to a halt, I simply can't move on.

But the really really good thing is that, I've finally given up trying.

You will always be that one who broke my heart. I just hate it that I always feel like crying whenever I think about you, or what might have been. You simply turned my world upside down, and now Im getting it all upright again.

I also stopped expecting for the one. I figured I may just end up broken again. Now, I honestly don't know what to do. Im afraid of the future that awaits me.

I am so unstable right now. Please keep those blades and guns away from me. I might just eat them.

FUCK!

2008-10-17T06:32:00.001-07:00

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive

Song lyrics | The Man Who Can't Be Moved lyrics

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

2008-09-10T03:23:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH SMILEYS?

Im giving up. Slowly. Now that Im almost over you, it will be easy. Love is beginning to pace up as mere hatred and disappointment.

Just you wait, I can fully do everything you've always wanted.

I hope you're happy now...

2008-09-08T04:50:00.000-07:00

HOW MY CYNIC FRIEND MADE ME REALIZE EVERYTHING OVER PARMA-HAM-MONGGO-AND-FRIED-DILIS, MY THREE-MONTH OLD DILEMMA.

NOTE: I would just like to apologize first, for all my stupid entries and all those emotional shit I've been saying.

If there's one person in the world who truly knows the real me, more than my family even, it will be my good friend Eko. We try to get together every once in a while, and during those times, either seem to have some problem that needs strengthening out.

Eko is a self-confessed cynic. His views on love are rather on the negative side, and oftentimes, he just couldn't care anymore. His standards for friendship and relationship is never-yielding, sometimes bordering on ivory tower or utopia. We share the same wavelength most probably, instead we could have stabbed each other to death for several reasons, or we could never have been friends in the first place. We agree to disagree in fact, and our tolerance for stupidity is literally zero.

He is one year younger, but a lot more mature than I am.

These are the things that transpired in my recent unlocking of secrets surrounding my three-month old dilemma and our apparent discerning of things already existent and yet conspicuous, about being GAY.

a. I am so immature. Yes, I totally get it now, and that's the most saddening part. I thought I was. People said I am. I could really be pesky most of the time, but that's because I'm Obsessive-Compulsive. I have been trying to restrain myself from being all involved and sweet, although sometimes, it really hurts. Maybe what's different now is the fact that, who Im up against is a more mature individual. The one who can confidently say - been there, done that.

b. I came out very late. Eko, on the other hand, has been gay since the sun touched his skin. His metaphor in fact, went like this: You were still in a cocoon, while we were busily fluttering around flowers. I hate it. Out of desperation in fact, I told Eko, "Should I go back and change court again?" He almost pushed me off the sidewalk.

I began this lifestyle really late. Relationship-wise, I have never been vacant since High School. I embraced my identity-crisis in 2002 and I have had 3 serious relationships since then, all of them involved 'living together'.

c. Things shouldn't be forced. There are things that are simply meant for you effortless, and things that are as complicated as a Rubik's cube. My dilemma now has been really tedious and tiring. And sometimes, I just find myself in a ridiculous contemplation that I am exerting too much effort. Tears and sweat altogether, and yet the outcome is still not enough, much to my dismay.

d. As a Third Party, I cannot demand. I know that, but I am human too. Eko went on further to tell me, "But those are the rules." I will always be the loser in this kind of set-up. I simply cant demand more time, since Im just the Third Party. I cannot possibly compete with a strong relationship, Im the newcomer. Nakikisawsaw, kumbaga.

e. As a Third Party still, I am simply at his mercy. True. Even my timetable is dependent on his. I hate this reality. Thankfully, as I try to get over such failure, I am becoming more independent now.

f. Act like him. Be like him. I tried mimicking his ways, and its really difficult. I tried not texting for a day, and it seemed very heartless. I am not difficult to talk with, I must reiterate, but such attitude over things is such an Everest to climb.

g. There will come a time, when I will totally be just like him. I know experience deals great amount to one's personality, but I simply dont bite the fact that we will all become a cynic, or heartless, or simply stern. I dont want this day to arrive. Being such sounds very impersonal, heartless and mechanical. So against my Communist and Romantic passion. I dont want to turn into another cynical individual, for I believe there is a much better way. The world is unfair and uncompromising already, I dont want it to bear another robotic soul. People could always harmonize; through love, understanding, compromise, trust, communication and a thousand more reasons, but cynicism, or being stern is not the only resort.

h. Be realistic and stop using your heart. Life is full of complications, accept it. The lifestyle that we chose is not gay at all. It is in fact, very hurtful and challenging. Reality is too complex a thought, since society will always be judgmental of us. We could always love, but only to a certain extent. We should love ourselves more, and we shouldn't put our 100% into someone.

i. I will fully understand these things outside, or when Im finally defeated. Enough said.

j. If he choose to let go of you, let go, because we always deserve someone better. Someone who wouldn't force you to compromise, or change; and who will always accept and love you for who you are. Someone who will be thankful for having you in his arms, every single day. Sigh.

k. It's all a part of growing up. Very true. How I wish I wouldn't have to undergo this process.

If this is how we grow up, then I'd want the Peter Pan complex. If this is how hurtful this lifestyle could be, then I dont want to be a love cynic. If this how complicated every little thing could be, even in the future, then Im afraid I'm only left with three options:

a. Go back and change court.
b. Be an optimistic, jaded escapist.
c. Totally escape everything.

Eko, brought about by his knowledge of my tendencies, urged me to send him SMS first thing in the morning. It was just to remind him I'm still here.

I am still here.

As I slowly perform everything you ask of me, I pick up little pieces along the way. Im afraid now, that as I grow up and face reality, that glimmer of hope disappears. That as I sway back and forth, the rope could easily snap. That as you drift away, I may never see you again. That as I grow more detached from you, every single day, as what you've always liked, I slowly forget about how much I love you.

2008-09-03T05:16:00.000-07:00

HMMM...

I really cant fully explain what happened, but I just felt the urge to delete my last post.

Yes, I do miss you of course, but when I received that message from you, it felt different. It seemed that all my long-lost self-respect has immediately dawned on me. It felt great. I was hurt with your message, but I think I have regained that strength and maturity I've been looking for, for 3 months.

It was as if, you stepped on a land mine, that was me, and it just ripped me open -- further catapulting me into a realm of bliss and complete understanding.

I just love Buddha, and how he influences my way of thinking nowadays. Maybe Buddhism is the right religion for me, since it will not necessitate me to believe in a god. Hehe...

Ha! : )

2008-09-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

APPEASEMENT

Im officially missing you.

Everyday, it just seems you're really drifting away. To somewhere I could never really reach.

Fewer messages, almost impersonal tone. No sweet nothings whatsoever.

Annoyance. Short-circuitness. Apathy.

Once or twice brief encounters in a week.

The fact saddens me, in fact I hate it. I have to stay up late in the office, just to forget about it. Just to numb myself, and it's pathetic I know.

But that's the only solution I can think of right now, to at least appease my frail heart.

I fucking love you so much, and I hate it.

But you're already out there, far and away...

2008-08-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

THE CAT

They arrived home late because of a quick stop in the supermarket. Both were anxious of the fact that they haven't found a cheaper cat litter for the newfound pet. B hasn't really seen the cat, and according to A, the cat is a stray white keeper which happened to pass by the house all dripping and dirty.

The drive home was smooth. Tree-lined streets and a maze-like layout filled the formerly wastelands of the city. Madonna was never been hipper with the reverberating confessions on the dance floor. The still of the night, however, failed to fully envelop the tension created by the previous argument. B has to decided to finally give up on their relationship the other day, but it proved very futile that he didn't have the guts to stand firmly on his decision. Love could easily blind people, he said. A was very reserved, as usual, perhaps because the situation is already problematic, and he did not like any more complication.

The assurance that B needed was never discussed, instead he falls content again on such predicament of being 'the other guy'. Nevertheless, the supposedly clearing-up rendezvous became easily overshadowed by the news of a cat.

The cat was nowhere to be found when they arrived. The two hissed and called for it but nothing happened. Hopes turned sour and faces became unlit. The two were bitterly sighing when after 5 minutes, the feline appeared from a distance.

The kitten was a breath of fresh air. It was dirtied of course, with playing and traipsing all day in the village, but cats are territorial in nature. A already gave it sardines earlier that morning, and cats are supposed to acknowledge that as a sign of domestication. Feet and fur drenched, the kitten ate the treat served in a modest saucer. A picked it up after and dried the stray pet.

A never looked more lovely with that sight. He exudes the concern and warmth B kept on expecting from him. The maternal acts and the obvious love A had for the kitten translated to a new image of him. Suddenly, B wished he had the supernatural powers to morph into a cat, so he could feel the warmth he had longed for quite some time now. A was oblivious of this, and B decided to keep the stupid thought on his mind.

The kitten was indeed lovely, it purred and clung to both of their side. The newfound member called for attention every time, and the two gleefully attended to it. It was such a perfect sight for B, as more wishful thinking crossed his mind to his content. But the more thoughts he entertained about the cat and his suffering with A, the more tears lined his eyes, B realized it was a stupid thing after all.

Playing with the cat and the newly-established attention it provides gave the two more of a preoccupation. The small feline craved for more food and more warmth from both of them, that it filled the supposedly sad and dead air between them. The cat provided B the lacking passion, that he cannot demand from A now. Especially now that A seemed annoyed by his previous and juvenile acts. In fact, when the cat slept on B's side, while A sat on the stool away from them, B pretended that the kitten was indeed A, all caressing and demanding his love.

It was such a pity sight when the two headed for the bedroom, when the cat just stared at them from the first floor. Fearing the kitten could anytime now make its smelly dump, A patiently watched it from the dark that has now cloaked the entire house. B felt the affection from this gesture and half-expected that the same glow could be given to him as well when they're finally settled in bed.

Again, B was wrong.

The compassion and the spirit that A showed the kitten was not felt at all. It was withdrawn in fact, as A immediately slipped to slumber and B had to push his way into kissing him. A was as still as the trusses of the Bird's Nest and as cold as the Water Cube, from their earlier viewing of the Beijing Olympics that tired them both. B felt more hurt now, as the stern treatment kept him awake for hours; a weird effect of a cold kiss on his super assuming heart.

The morning came all gloomy. A greeted the morning with a glacial face, as he sped up from the bed down to the kitchen. B, already used with this morning routine, forced himself with a smile and walked straight to A, hoping to kiss him 'good morning'. But the morning was extraordinary indeed, as the cat purred his way to B's legs, reminding him of the cordiality he surely wanted. And the gesture filled his heart. How he wished it came from A, but such a thought was dissolved by A's crankiness. B lifted the kitten instead, and kissed it with fondness.

The day passed with moments filled with both worth keeping and shrugging off. B was all expecting for things to turn out affirming, but he guessed that fate must have really hated him when the boyfriend called. A picked up the phone with the usual good spirit, a rare occasion for B nowadays. A talked with regard and appetite that greatly crushed B's bubbles, and the cat was there to console him. It was as if the kitten could relate and feel the ache inside his heart that everything could very well be relieved with a simple scratch. B half-hoped for an argument or a misunderstanding with the boyfriend, something that could blow the top off A, just as any simple paglalambing from B creates. But everything was in order, much to B's dismay.

A took a nap without even telling B. Somehow used with the cold treatment, B lay beside him. The hug that he gave him felt painful, as everything he had hoped for seemingly vanishes before his very eyes. Although he has promised to not hope for more things than this, it somehow felt unfair that the love could easily be wasted that instantly. The cat's meowing was heard from the bedroom, it made him cry, for B could very well relate to the kitten's calling.

The tenderness of the hug woke A, and asked for more. Only this time, it was hurried and impersonal. B modestly obliged, although trying to entice it up at first, but his efforts seemed insufficient. It saddened him, but did the love anyway.

The day was coming to an end. A was off to somewhere else with the family, and B planned for nothing when he arrives home. The kitten felt the preparation, and showed eagerness. B felt the need to stay for the cat, but such reason could annoy A, thinking of it as unnecessary and immature. But the two decided to bring the little one with them anyway, than to leave it once again outside.

The horizon was beginning to disappear with the dawn coming. The cat felt motion sickness perhaps that it was uncomfortable in B's lap. Nothing more about the previous argument was brought up. No affirmation, nor consolation was aired. The conversation revolved around the newfound pet, and everything was all left there suspended.

He got off the car with heavy feet. It was now time to go home. The cat stared at B with eyes that could melt the entire Arctic shelf, and all that B could do was to say goodbye. He wanted to kiss the cat with indulgence, but he realized it was not his, in the first place.

It was not his to call his own, in fact. He was just an unfortunate visitor in that kitten's chapter.

The car sped up the curb, as B immediately hailed a taxi. He did not want anybody to see his moistened eyes. It broke his heart that it could be the last time that he will see the cat. And it felt unfair and hurtful, because all he wanted was the love from every purring and attention that the cat could give. He cannot fully love it even if he wants to. And he cried because it was simply impossible.

The cat could never be his.

2008-08-21T04:22:00.000-07:00

TEN THINGS I (HIGHLY EXPECT FROM) FIND ANNOYING ABOUT PEOPLE

10. When people make excuses and lie.

9. When people refuse to compromise, that what they are is what you get.

8. When people are very difficult to understand, primarily because they don't want to try to make themselves clearer.

7. When people push you away.

6. When people are insensitive.

5. Whenever people don't appreciate you, or your acts.

4. When people are uptight, they hold their emotions or words.

3. When people take you for granted.

2. When people belittle or undermine you, e.g. you're not date-able, BF material, you're more of the fast-food type...

1. When people cannot see what's in front of them/ that the other relationship seems pointless already, more like they're somewhat fooling each other, and yet, STILL DON'T END IT. Haha, me galit...

2008-08-21T03:13:00.000-07:00

WISHFUL THINKING

There are things in life that simply cannot be a reality. That's a realization that took me almost three months to arrive at, primarily because of my utter disregard of it or stubborn-ness perhaps. Impossible things happen when nothing hasn't really changed, despite all the efforts invested in it. Especially when people simply don't want to even try, or refuse to compromise.

My life has been in a roller coaster and I feel like I want to get off the ride. Im practically tired, and it seems I am indeed wasting my time for something unrealistic and unattainable. Easy for me to say, but in times of solitude, I often become so pathetic, I even forget my pride.

Whenever people make excuses, I simply want to jump off the building. Excuses are for those who didn't even bother to exert the maximum, hence the name. Excuses are also one effective way to caramelize the words and cushoning the blow. I just hate it when people dont tell the truth, or give up explaining. Im a fan of diplomacy, I firmly believe that every clear idea or justification can always be achieved by communication. That there is no room for excuses.

Reality is one tricky concept, Post-modernism often gets away with saying there are multiple truths, which is basically true. One thing may be true for another person, but isn't necessarily the case for the other. Nevertheless, reality can always be shared, it could also be mutual in fact. The problem perhaps lies when the other party, reluctantly agrees to face the music. That the music tends to overwhelm him, he simply freezes over and just allows the music to bang his eardrums until they break. Such magical realism happens when he did not arrive at the thought of turning off the source and did forget earplugs exist.

People are also oftentimes not an admirer of risk. That the status quo is acceptable, when in fact, things could also get even better. Risks are choices. Life is full of choices. It is therefore understandable that people opt not to take risks, but if the status quo sucks, wouldn't you want to be in a better place? When what you have right now could have been a lot better with the choice you're risking, wouldn't you take it at least? What if what you have is just a mirage or a pretend, that you're simply blind to even see the truth right there in front of you? What then, if the risk simply stops to be a risk, will you cry over the lost opportunity of having something better?

Humans can also be blind, that the risk-taking seems very improbable, and the truth gets more twisted as it is. People often steer clear of the truth in front them. This is something I haven't really understood at all. Complications often go with the blindness, and the more complications it accrues when the blindness doesn't get treated. Refusal to accept the harsh reality is one, people often self-pity in these moments. Either they stay and ignore the pain, or one confronts the ache and dance to the new tune. Most annoying is the fact when the concerned parties are just waiting for the time everything bursts out, when the people involved are just playing stupid to even realize they're just fooling each other.

Reality is an illusion. Illusions can be truthful depending on the perspective. Truth can be risky. Risks can blind people. Blindness stupifies us. Us is hopeless. Hopelessness tires people. Tired people give up. Giving up is my reality.

2008-08-18T03:26:00.000-07:00

THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL

The "The Corrs" were outstanding, I didn't really expect they'd pull off something like this. The lyrics however, were definitely just right.

I dont wanna talk
About the things weve gone through
Though its hurting me
Now its history
Ive played all my cards
And thats what youve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
Thats her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking Id be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Its simple and its plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does he kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When he calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...

2008-08-13T19:03:00.001-07:00

Nice survey...

Bands // Song Titles

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:: Coldplay
Are you female or male:: A Rush of blood to the Head
Describe yourself:: X & Y
How do some people feel about you:: Warning Sign
How do you feel about yourself:: Yellow
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:: Square One
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:: The Hardest Part
Describe where you want to be:: Amsterdam
Describe what you want to be:: The Scientist
Describe how you live:: Speed of Sound
Describe how you love:: Sparks
Share a few words of wisdom:: Don't Panic

Fill out this survey yourself
Find a different survey
Brought to you by Bzoink

2008-08-02T02:56:00.000-07:00

THUNDER
Boys Like Girls

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
Im holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what Im feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I dont know, whoa
Today Im on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I dont know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Yeah Im walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa

2008-07-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

SIMPLY A RIDE

I have had three relationships. All of them gave me enough life experience that I treasure now. Although they all came from different backgrounds, my life with them is simply something money cannot measure.

The First: Rich Kid on the Block

My first venture into the real thing was right after college. I was very idealistic and impulsive then, and all felt like a challenge. The first was not at all new to this lifestyle, but he taught me valuable things about this life. We both even had the same ordeal to go through -- coming out. He came out to his family, and I, to my friends. The whole year was more of proving and withstanding every possible problem. It felt like we were going against all odds.

The Second: Call Center With Hang-ups

We started off with the wrong foot, as I had him first as the third party. It was more of a test for me. The experience, so to speak, was the typical you-turned-my-world-upside-down case, as I have trailed a complicated life. We both left our relationships and decided to start anew. It was worth it, as the two years taught me how to navigate through downtown Manila (Sta.Cruz, Recto, etc.) and live his life. This newfound experience was all different, but it was really worth it. The lessons I learned molded me into becoming the much stronger person as I believe I am now. The partnership ended with us, being tired and with a complete chaos.

The Third: The Seeming Rescue and the Apparent Bliss

Another rocky start, as I rescued him from a pointless, disrespectful and dependent relationship. It wasn't easy, as the mess brought him literal chills that I willingly embraced, and bravely conquered. Unlike the first two, our partnership was all bliss, blame it on maturity perhaps, but the whole thing was free of green eyes and paranoia. There wasn't even a third party, and just like any other song, it really had to end. It was the most realistic and bittersweet ending yet. And we were surprised at how much we've grown individually.

And that's my stupid love story. My friend once asked me, "Why do you bother being gay? When you don't look like one, you hate their music, you've had girlfriends before, and you hate the stereotype?" I just replied, "I really don't know. Maybe because it is gay."

YOU: The Gamble I Never Imagined Playing

Right now, I am torn. I simply push my luck and hope for better tomorrows. This is something out of my hands, for I have already played all my cards, and I hate to lose.

This is simply something I cannot and will not have, I suppose. And the whole waiting-in-vain is originally not my cup of tea, I just drank it blindfold.

All Im proud of, I guess, is that I didn't prevent myself from loving you. I do not like regrets and endless what-ifs, they simply bore us to death and make us cry for spilled milk. I simply seize the moment, because that is all what I have now. Should you decide to finally call it quits, I will hold my head up high, for I stuck to what was real to me and to what made me happy.

I hate my parents for bringing up a brat. I hate UP for making me an existentialist. I hate love for showering me with all things sweet and complicated. I just hate it.

2008-07-16T01:35:00.000-07:00

75 %

Im almost there. Just 25%. Although I dont want it really, but it's slowly exhausting me. I have a promise to make though, that I will love myself more than anything or anybody else beginning today.

That the next time it happens to me, I'll be more ready. Because my heart has been broken twice already this year, I dont think I can take any more ache.

One thing is assured though inspite all these, that my love the next time around will no less than what I have poured now, in fact even more. And Im pretty sure that person won't regret an inch for giving me that chance.

And I find it really unfair that I'll just have to throw it all away, slowly... Gradually...

For now I just want to take a rest. And sit as buses and trains pass me by.

GO ON GIRL
Ne Yo

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
Im thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,
She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

The mistake I made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
Im too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

2008-07-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

WHAT IF
An attempt to write in Filipino

Kalbo. Sana naman hindi dumating yung oras na magpakalbo akong muli. Tuwing ginagagawa ko 'to, isa lang ang ibig sabihin. Kung hindi man nainis na ako sa sarili ko, nagpapakalbo ako para makalimot, o magsimulang panibago.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit, kung tutuusin. Marahil ay nakikita kong ang pagpapakalbo ay signos ng pagkabuhay, o resureksyon. Isang pahiwatig na handa na akong tahakin ang isang landas na ni ako man ay hindi nakakasiguro kung ano ang kakakahantungan.

2008-07-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

NONCHALANCE

I want to think less of it. Although I still yearn for better things, I opt for nonchalance. This way, I'd more sane and rational.

I just go with the flow, trying to be less demanding and all. I think less of reality, it sucks.

Whatever comes my way, I hitch. Whatever it is that cant be achieved, I shrug.

And it feels easy. Numb.

2008-07-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

ALL IN MY HEAD TODAY

Hay....I hate it.

STEREOPHONICS
It Means Nothing

Stereophonics Lyrics
It Means Nothing Lyrics

2008-07-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

ONE THING WE FILIPINOS SHOULDN'T MISS

The Ayala Museum Gold of Ancestors Collection is finally open to the public. After a long wait, more specifically hundred of years of defining and searching for that distinct Filipino identity, we now have something to really brag about, alongside the collections of Egypt, Mesopotamia, China or any other ancient civilization.

The collection's something we shouldn't all miss. When I first saw the brochure, I wanted to cry, seriously. I wanted to show the world the treasures we have in the Philippines, the very civilization we had (and was diminished) even before those bully Westerners came.

I can't wait to go there. Maybe this weekend, I will try to retrace my steps as a Filipino, with this collection.

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

2008-07-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

LAST NIGHT's SIGH

It was more of a revelation. A cup of coffee at 9 o'clock in the evening.

I felt stupid. I felt insistent. Making myself fit into something that clearly doesn't want me in. And it woke me up, jolted me back to reality, as you sped up the winding road.

Im not mad at you. In fact, Im mad at myself for pushing impossible things, and for trying my fate, when everybody knows Im unfortunate at gambling. I wanted to cry it out, but surprisingly, my ducts were dry. It even gladdened me, that Im now strong enough to be rational at least.

It's my second nature to be makulit, sometimes, I just dont realize it, but Im becoming more annoying. What offended me last night was the face of disdain, that you were tired in the first place to accomodate me. You could have told me, I will understand. I maybe too pushy for things, but Im not stupid. It saddens me that I will always have to fight my way into your heart. That I am exerting too much effort to beg for your love. That sometimes you appear to be coerced.

Maybe I just want to be appreciated for what or who I am. Because I have so much love to give, I fear the whole situation might just burst my bubble. I dont want to find myself in a whole cynical sphere, where I view 'love' as a mere 'urge'. I still want to believe. And I still want to feel it. Desperate as it may seem, this totally captures my own being now.

Sad, I only long for that feeling. I haven't done anything wrong really, because I knew my place in the first place. I just want to love, and be loved in return, for it's the greatest thing in the world, as Moulin Rouge will put it.

There is indeed a fine fine line between love and a waste of time. And Im now starting to feel it's the latter. How I wish you could appreciate every little thing or effort I do for you. How I wish you will never grow tired of my sweet nothings and messages. How I wish you'll never get pissed with all my demands to be with you. But recent events have negated all of that, and consequently and surprisingly, I was able to see them -- that the love I have for you is no more than a lost cause. That its seemingly more a waste of our time, effort and emotions.

It was not a basically a waste for me, because I meant everything I said and did. It was worth it, in fact, because you have made me more mature. I do not regret having met or loved you at all. I learned a lot from you. And I will be forever grateful. You have already carved yourself an important section of my being.

I never actually thought this could get any more serious than this, I thought I could handle you. I shouldn't have let the whole situation absorb the whole of me in the first place, because as I try to move on and stay away from you, my shoes get heavier and heavier, my path gets more difficult to trail, my eyes become wetter with the bittersweet symphony and my heart crushed more rapidly into pieces.

Thank you for becoming part of my growing up.

2008-07-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

FINE FINE LINE

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

2008-07-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

TIRED AND HELLISH

Im simply tired. Yesterday was the most ordeal I've had in weeks, and it's not getting any better.

Work is draining me to death, and the fact that I have to double-prepare everyday is not as delightful as it sounds.

My coordinator refuses to compromise, and hasn't really thought of improving my situation. Crap motivational words like, 'I know you can do it" and "It's been 3 weeks, you'll get the hang of it din" do not work for me. Stupidity may have devoured her for years, but common sense may still be within reach.

Love hasn't been kind with me since the other day. The whole idea of you being there abroad is torture enough. And the fact that you're not at all texty is an added pressure. I myself cannot understand what's happening to me either, being demanding and all, despite the knowledge that you're very busy. Maybe it's the self-destructive nature of me. Maybe it's the full moon. Maybe Im just going nuts.

Im simply tired. Tired of all the work. Tired of all the burden. A bit tired of waiting for you, or even for your sweet nothings. There are times when you simply need an affirmation, or a thoughtful gesture from the one you love, to at least easen up things.

I guess that's just too much to ask. I guess that's plain selfish of me.

2008-07-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

BLISS

I am simply happy now, very oblivious of things that may come my way.

I am not anymore thinking of the consequences. I just value and cherish every moment I have with you. Life is too short to worry, I merely enjoy the most of what is present now, I do not want to regret having everything pass and knowing all I did was worry.

I cannot foretell how long will this happiness take me, I simply embrace the fact that we're happy. At least I am.

Maybe this explains why I am makulit, in the first place, I simply want to enjoy every moment with you. For everything hangs in a thread.

2008-06-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

THE SPACE AND THE LOST ASTRONAUT

And I have taken the more difficult and risky path. Milky Way proved to be a challenge afterall.

My friends could have easily slapped me when I told them just this afternoon what's bothering me. Most were in disbelief, for I have always projected that calm-and-collected persona ever since.

And you're with him today.

Most shook their heads, for my utter stubborn-ness, and the sheer concern that the whole thing is risky. I didn't want to tell my log-out-buddies at first, but it was eating me alive. Much as I wanted to contain it to myself, I had to seek refuge and moral shelter.

The whole idea of you being with the boyfriend made me even stressed out. It again revived the insecurity inside me that's about to hulk anytime.

They made me realize how difficult it is. MF even advised me to get some space first, to think and to let go. The other three, distanced themselves, maybe because they knew about my iron ears, and let me decipher it once again for myself.

But you make me happy. And I don't want to let go of the feeling, I told you Im playing all my cards here. We were together the whole weekend, and it felt like the most unbelieveable thing. Although last night felt like too much, I still chose to be with you. And the unspoken possible fact that you might be already fed up with my face withered away in your embrace.

Ang tigas daw ng ulo ko. Masasaktan lang daw ako sa ginagawa ko. At ako ang third party, I should give way.

I simply can't. Maybe this week, I'll try. Or maybe next week when you're already in Thailand. Or maybe things will change when you come back after that, you may really dump me then. The whole 'space' is too difficult, I can't even imagine it.

Frank may have left the Philippines, but little did the stupid typhoon know, I liked his rain in the first place.

2008-06-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

I HATE IT WHEN PSYCHOLOGISTS ARE RIGHT.

I took the damn test, and I simply laughed while reading the results. It's like tailored and conspired.

Here it is:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Take the same quiz, and find irony.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

2008-06-20T05:43:00.000-07:00

For you: Do not even try to react to this. Im happy with what we are, and with what we have. Please don't take this against me, I am OK. Sometimes though, I feel human and not devoid of any hurt.

I'M CHASING PAVEMENTS

Whenever you're with him, I feel like the world is devouring me alive. But whenever Im with you, the world seems to halt.

This is the most stupid I've been. I perfectly know and understand your situation, but I still continue with this. I even unreluctantly agree to be with you all the time. I refuse to think whenever Im with you, and although it's insulting, I swallow all my pride, just to at least see you.

So this is what it feels like to be the 'other guy'. Jealousy immediately seeps in at the mention of the boyfriend. You want to assert yourself, but you cannot, because you're simply the No. 2, (or number 3?) And yet, despite all knowing and hurt, you still continue with the madness. Because if you refuse to give in to the flow, you might end up in that ditch again, all broken and blue.

I really don't know what's in store for me in the future. All I know is that Im very much happy with you, every second of it. I try to rationalize, but all seems futile, because the more I resist it, the more I get drawn.

I want to believe when you told me you're about to fall as well. It gave an inch of hope, I must admit. I want to assume you're really happy when we're together. I actually wish you will never leave, that you will stay until the morning. That I could show you even more how much you mean to me, even in my simplest ways.

But reality seems constraint as well, because you simply can't leave him. A fact more insulting, because it accentuates the truth that I can't measure up with him. That I will forever be the second or one of the other choices. I dont even want sometimes to bring up this sad fact, for it may tear me apart.

Im taking it all in, I trying to be more numb. Im trying to act naturally. I even actually pretend that Im the only one. I want to believe that there's something better in store in the future. Im chasing pavements although they seem to lead nowhere.

I guess that's just how I fall in love. Im simply stupid and blinded. That I humbly accept the painful reality that you will never be mine 100%. That I am content already with what you give, because I perfectly know, hanggang doon lang ang kaya mong ibigay.

And I embrace it whole-heartedly.

2008-06-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

MY VERY OWN PSYCHIATRIST-APPROVED REGIMEN FOR OVERCOMING MADNESS

These are well-proven ways on how to cope with heartache or madness, say, you're just dumped (like me!) or you're taking the vow of martyrdom. Being busted the third time is definitely life-changing, it makes you want to kill yourself. Haha.

10. MAKE YOURSELF BUSY AND TURN OFF THE PHONE. This is the first thing I do whenever I want to forget, even temporarily, what just happened. I clean up my apartment, read some books, hit the gym, iron out clothes or go outside. Turning off the cellphone, even for an hour, really makes a difference. This is transient preoccupation however, because at some point, you'll finish all your chores and end up not doing anything at all. Or you will have to text or call someone for something.

9. MANAGE YOUR PLAYLIST. During these times of pain, I steer clear of any mushy song. In fact, I created playlists on my player, to better organize my songs -- Slow, Pop, Rock and Club. Of the four, I do not play Slow and Pop, for John Legend, Alicia Keys, Dashboard Confessional, David Cook, U2, Rhianna, Coldplay, Paula Cole, Keane, One Republic and Babyface are there. Instead, I bathe myself with the music of Bob Marley, Incubus, Dave Matthews Band, Fall Out Boy, Maroon 5, Amy Winehouse, The Verve, Foo Fighters, Get Far, Beck, Switchfoot, Chillout Project artists, Matchbox 20 and even Bonnie Bailey. It really works for me, I instantly jump into my "Performer" mood, and bring my unit down.

8. NUMB YOURSELF WITH WATCHING SHOWS ON FREE TV. Free TV actually offers the worst representations of Philippine society. No offense, but we Filipinos deserve something better than Wowowee, Dyesebel or Pinoy Big Brother (Teen Edition). Im really grateful for 24 Oras or TV Patrol, because at least, they inform. But flash me with Willie Revillame brainwashing viewers with you-need-my-money attitude, or those brats inside Kuya's house trying to outwit themselves by crying and lashing out demeaning words, is just like suicide at its best! But then again, I want to forget so I tried looking for better shows to occupy my stretch. These are what I found so far, not really excellent shows, but better.

Monday - Chuck (CS-9) 8:00 pm
Brothers and Sister (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Tuesday - Pushing Daisies (2nd Avenue) 8:00pm
Ugly Betty (Studio 23) 9:30pm
Wednesday - still looking, actually. The Cut (?) (QTV 11) 8:30pm
Thursday - Make me a Supermodel (ETC) 8:00pm
Chuck replays (CS-9) 10:00pm
Friday - CSI (Studio 23) 8:30pm

** I still don't have cable, inaayos ko pa buhay ko, saka na yun.

--- TO BE CONTINUED

2008-06-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

ADELE

I love the music video. So nice.

2008-06-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

I AM NOT RAFAEL ROSSELL

I spoke too quickly. I shouldn't have said goodbye when I perfectly knew I couldn't bear it. Much as I wanted to avoid seeing you, you're simply overwhelming.

Last night, I absolutely understood everything. You couldn't be more blunt in telling me the real deal. I appreciated it all though, for clarity is all I need in the first place. It only made me feel inferior, but nonetheless, I believe it was the bitter pill I so wanted.

This is the problem with impulsive people, they often commit stupid acts especially when it comes to love, that they do not necessarily think in the most rational sense. That we usually utter words instantly, and by the end of the day, regretting every word at all.

It only sounded though that you have millions of excuses, just not to be with me. It's okay, I'd prefer it more than beating around the bush. But subtle words and cushioning the blow havent fled Webster's actually, you might try considering it the next time. I may be a a lot of things, but Im also human. Hehe.

I couldn't offer you any more comfort that you might need now. I am just an Average Juan. Im a good and mature person though, but I am not rich you know that, apparently. Im not good-looking either, you might be better off with those with 6-pack abs and drop-dead features. I teach, Im not the principal of the school. I cannot basically brag about material things, my place is a clear testament to that. I do not have a double-degree and I can't measure up with your ex's. I'm not even tall, nor fair-skinned. I do not have foreign lineage or anything, and I guess my father having dual-citizenship in Germany wouldn't matter at all. I do not even own a computer, which is a total pity since I use it a lot. I don't have a car to fetch you with. I could go on and on, since my confidence level has really sunk big time when we cleared things up, and still, I wouldn't fit in your standards.

All I could offer is love.

That I will definitely love you no matter what, that I will be the best friend ever, that I will not hurt you, that I will compromise everything for you, that I will try to be the best you want me to be, that I will satisfy even your most ridiculous fantasies, that I will not nag nor make you kulit, that I will cook for you everyday, if that's what you want, that I will not care if you're the oldest person on earth, that I will give you space and privacy, that I will just simply be there for you when you need me, that I will love you for every minute of the day...

That's all I can offer. Just that.

But I guess that's really trashed out now. Had I been Rafael Rossell, you could have easily said YES. I guess it will be a lot more difficult if I pushed it even harder, when you have stated every possible reason there is, just not to be with me.

I am grateful though that you still consider me as a friend. I want to thank you a million for that. It only takes a real mature person to not be annoyed by my qualms and shortcomings. Insecurity may have dampen my spirit now, but I could easily make peace with that. I dont exactly understand why this sort of things happen to me, but it's really worth the experience. I learned a lot from you.

Salamat for being the bigger person here. Dont you worry, I will try to be the best friend there is. Sigh.

2008-06-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

WHEN BARBECUE MEANT FAREWELL TO UTTER MADNESS AND INTRODUCTION TO PERDITION

An hour ago, I finally said goodbye. I hated the fact that I didn't have the courage to tell it myself, and instead use SMS to relay my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I did not plan it at all.

It's just that when you start talking about the other guy, I couldn't help but get affected. I tried to conceal my ache with small bites of liempo but it proved futile. I know we're going to Antipolo, but the agony has seeped through my veins, it completely ravaged my heart, I told you I was doing some errands instead.

I am starting to fall. I know I have made sure that you leave your shoes by the door, but the more I see you, the more drawn I become. I hate goodbyes, but it's a necessary one. For the whole thing is a lost cause anyway, and I am not that masochistic.

You thought I was different. Actually, I am. Different because once I've let down my guard, I am completely honest and truthful. Maybe I just don't have much experience in this kind of set-up, or I still have to learn a lot when it comes to relationships, it's just that everything is unbearable.

I am sorry for such an abrupt action. I just don't want to futher involve myself, it may be too late one day. You just dont know how sorry I am for doing this. You just dont realize how painful it is for me.

You dont have to worry. I have carefully devised a regimen of forgetting and playing numb. I should get used to this kind of complexity. I should not let this happen again. I must not let my impulsiveness and emotions get in the way once more. And I should stop hoping. I am now tired and exhausted.

How I wish I could get one of those iron masks for good. That way, I wouldn't have a hard time hiding my feelings. When I cried a while ago, I felt a surge of loneliness and despair. I felt so alone. If I have that iron mask, people won't see what Im going through. They will just be provided with a permanent smirk, or an awkward smile.

Just give me a week, and I will be over you. We could always be friends, just like what we agreed. You could always run for me for advice or for a simple talk. I just can't go with you to Antipolo and buy those furniture for him.

The barbecue was definitely good. The lunch was absolutely fine. Only the hurt was there to devour, and it was bittersweet.

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what I need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

2008-06-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

STOLEN
Dashboard Confessional

You watch the season pull up its own stakes
and catch the last weekend of the last week
before the gold and the glamour have been replaced,
another sun soaked season fades away

you have stolen my heart

invitation only grant farewells
crush the best one, of the best ones
clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

you have stolen my heart

and from the bar room floor we are a celebration
one good stretch before our hibernation
our dreams assured and we are, we'll sleep well

you have stolen
you have stolen my heart

i watch you spin around in the highest heels
you are the best one, of the best ones
we all look like we feel

you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart

2008-06-11T04:30:00.000-07:00

ANOTHER REASON

"Kung magpapapasok ka ng bagong tao sa buhay mo, ipaiwan mo sa labas ang tsinelas o sapatos. Para kapag gusto na nilang umalis, hindi ka na mahihirapang maglinis ng mga bakas nito. "

My gym membership is about to expire next month. I actually have no plans of renewing it, or availing another one, even if the monthly damage reaches 10 pesos a month.

I enjoyed my gym experience. Although most of time I only pretend to work out, since the whole idea of me stretching muscles is ridiculous, I actually became healthier. I first thought of gym membership as just an unnecessary caprice one could ever have, for vanity reasons; but as time went by, perhaps due primarily to the boredom of summer and the absence of books to read, I finally caved in. I took delight in all its heavy machines and equipment, although this sounds completely ironic. Not to mention the occassional 'perk' any willing member could have, in times of dire heat and need.

There is another reason why I am not encouraging the idea of renewing it, basically.

I've always been prejudiced about men going to the gym. Not only do I think of them as mere products of sexual politics, but I also have this boxed perception that people there are conceited. It even grew when I learned that the gym has been hailed as "Mecca" by gay people nowadays, promiscuity may even become an understatement here because of its being 'given'; one of the reasons I loathed going to the gym at first.

When I started out, I swore I will never date a gym person, nor will I give out my number. Then it all happened.

You were different. Very much different with the people I often meet there. Unlike your usual counterparts, you actually make sense when you talk. we both share the same sentiments, and the conversation is fluid. I couldn't agree more with your principles, they mirror mine. Everything was a bliss, and it was too good to be true. That alone is enough. That alone is an easy bait, and I am now regretting that I have taken that.

I actually conferred this with my friends, seeking solace from an overwhelming situation. Hoping they'd offer a better pill than what Im used to, that is, falling even deeper into an abyss when things get really stupid. Instead, I got an extended version of caution - to take things slowly and not assume, which is the more rational thing to do. Yes it may be the best pill, but knowing myself, I will not care for that.

However, primarily due to my inexplicable sense of stubborn-ness, I let me heart be on the field again. I know its too early to say, but who am I to refuse my emotions. I really like spending time with you, in fact, things may become too comfortable, I could easily grab my boxers and sleep with you in an instant.

But then again, just like what most realities are, the whole thing is complicated. Although I like complications because they test my will and judgment, this time I desire for more brains than heart. I have been through a lot this summer, and I think I could not bear any more ache. I could still continue this apparent stupidity, but what is at stake is definitely more risky.

I am becoming more numb as days go by. Love has been very elusive for months, I fear one day I just might flee from it, just like what my friend has become -- a love cynic. I have already proven now, that gym cannot do me any good but tone my muscles, and that attraction that stems from that place will just be another game of randomness. That compatibility with a gym person is like finding a blue crab. And I actually hate the fact that you could be that indigo one.

When you called it last night, I was dumbfounded. Hurt, yes, but in relief. Because the more I see it, it's a lost cause. Something that may push me even further into becoming more lost as I am now. I loathe the fact that I really like you, that you fascinate me. It's really a good thing that you've finally had that resolution yourself, you saved me from an utter decay.

I just hope for your happiness now, basically. And mine as well. Because I have been searching for that for millennia now, that I might just bury myself into work I couldn't care for it anymore one day.

Gym has finally taught me a lot. It has made me realize that life is in fact a blend of depth and superficialness. That people there may not be the exact stereotype I always deem them to be, it's actually more than that. I have had my simple share of what its like to be vain and promiscuous, and I enjoyed that.

But one thing is for certain, it's not a place to find someone to share your thoughts and emotions with, because just like the relief you get from the steam room and sauna, it will somehow have to be washed off immediately. For the sweat might get you ill, the floors may get you fungus, and the heat may be too scorching to withstand.

You are my another reason for not renewing my membership. You have provided me with all the necessary justifications I need to support my stereotype of the gym culture. You are my ultimate reason to get back into shape now -- to really burden myself with work and with selfishness. You have catapulted me to become more realistic and pragmatic. You may even have confirmed my earlier and recurrent definition that 'love is just a chemical reaction to pass on the genes.'

And I thank you for that.

In the first place, why should I be sad and hurt, for something that has not been, or has not been fully realized?

It's really a good thing I asked you to leave your shoes by the door. I didn't have much difficulty cleaning up your traces.

2008-05-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

RANDOM

Im back at work. I really don't feel like working at all, but there isn't any choice. I wish vacation could have been longer, but then again, I realized paranoia might completely devour me if that happens. I figured work might hand me my sanity again.

I have finally awakened from my self-made crisis and stupidity, and moved on. It has become more of a torture, and my insomnia's back. It isn't healthy anymore, thinking about ridiculous things, and wishing they'd come true.

While in a jeepney yesterday, I sat on a gum. I sighed deeply and wondered if we could finally ban chewing gum in the country, since people do not know how to dispose them. Time and space continuum was challenged because of my outburst.

A new record was set. Just this week, I have finished reading three books - Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini and Anthology of Erotic Writing by Anne Rice et al -- and am currently reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami.

Promiscuity has been also troubling me since last week. I don't keep count, but come to think of it, I should, to trace where I'm heading -- whorehouse or oblivion.

Finally, I have bought myself curtains. However, Shopwise fooled me with its 300-peso dirty white drapes, when in fact the same curtain costs only 160php in SM. I bought a pair, to better hide from the sun and the stares.

2008-05-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

60-40

Clarification:

Im not at all suicidal. Just 60 percent. I haven't really entertained the idea of killing myself nowadays, so I apologize to those I've alarmed. The previous entry is just a pigment of my freakiness.

Thanks though.

2008-05-12T03:28:00.000-07:00

DEATH KNOCKING

I've always been fascinated with death. When my brother died more than a decade ago, I stopped picturing death as something to be afraid of. Death may be a horrifying fact to be talked about within circles, but actually, I have already had my death and burial all planned out. I felt happy for the departed, for they would no longer have to endure life. But as time went by, I managed to come in good terms with death, as I began to view it as a natural process.

I had my own share of death and death-possibilities before. Back in high school, I tried to take my life with a pathetic razor; of course, after having drank 3 bottles of beer. I didn't want it to be painful, so I tried looking for more natural and abrupt means of dying, like forgetting to breathe, or jumping off the building. Im an Arien, my zodiac told me I'll die fire-related, so I figured, it's either I die literally from buring alive, or from passion. I'd prefer to die because of passion, for the choices of how to categorically die range from being either stabbed, thrown off the cliff, murdered, shot etc. It's limitless, basically.

Death, however, ironically seemed to linger around me during that time -- our family business died, my father sort of died to me, my faith in marriage also said goodbye, my beloved grandfather stopped living, my tearducts dried out, my belief in god also took off, and millions of things, to name a few. I survived them all though, but it transformed me into someone rather less human.

I haven't really thought about how unhealthy these are, but what I guess is my strength during these low moments is my ability to cope and escape. Coping and escaping from the mere sense of it all shielded me from the pain, but it came with a price, I lost the will to cry. I also became reckless and selfish, only thinking about the happiness of me and those I love, is the only thing that mattered. Death may have hovered above me for years, but my mind is a lot stronger, I guess, when I busied and tried reasoning it all out with the help of cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. In fact, UP has indeed become a very good nurturing ground for my newfound superpowers, as my belief in death became rationalized. Thanks to Philosophy, Social Sciences and all, my positive outlook in all sorts of death became clearer. I began to understand them better, and I embraced them with tearducts now; but still with a selective heart.

My very own plan of burial became more elaborate and ornate in fact.

Things were going smoothly until a year ago, my friend committed suicide. But that didn't deter me from believing that life is how we make it. I still ignored death's attempt to lure me.

These past few weeks, I again witnessed this never-elusive fascination. I saw the death of my very own relationship. I thought about jumping off the 12th floor, not only because of that, but due to never-ending family problems as well. My colleague's mom died, after her career as a-school-teacher-for-the-brats died just days before. A student also gave up for mysterious reasons last Friday, and today, I learned about a colleague's misfortune as his newborn son refused to embrace life.

As I trace my way now back to my apartment, I couldn't help but wonder, is death really knocking on my door? Would death be not just a natural thing for me, but a wonderful state as well? Is death really the way out? Will my mind again defeat this phenomenon, as slowly, I become more attracted to it once more? Will death succeed this time?

All I know now as of this moment, is that I still have the strength to write blogs and get in touch with the outside world. Though unending sadness, weeks-long boredom and seemingly-permanent frustration over things haunt me every minute, I still manage to decide to breathe.

I just don't know for how long.

2008-05-09T23:55:00.001-07:00

SOLO FLIGHT

Gone are the days of cooking gourmet, shopping in the Organic market and Greenbelt, strolling in Salcedo Park, sipping coffee in the nearby Coffee Bean, and running for pepper and veggies in the Korean shop. So are the 24-hour security, glass-walled elevators, garbage chutes, air condition and exhaust.

Life definitely has kicked me in the nuts now as I move to QC. I am no stranger to this place, in fact, I used to live here 5 years ago, before my ex and I moved to an upscale Katipunan village.

My mornings are filled not by colds I got from too much use of AC, but of seemingly temporary cold breeze from nearby Cubao. My neighborhood is not as grand as Salcedo Village, but I am loving it. A stone's throw away is a panaderia where I can easily munch on Spanish bread for 2 pesos/each. Nearby is a computer shop that brags of its 25 pesos/2 hours promo. Mcdonalds, Cubao, EDSA, P. Tuazon, Aurora Boulevard, Katipunan Avenue, Eastwood, Ortigas Avenue, Antipolo and Santolan is just a jeepney ride. Laundry service pegs at 25 pesos per kilo, and to top it all, I am so near Dannylicious, one of my favorite less-prestigious-kainans.

Im off to a slow and tedious start though, as I brace solitude and uncertainty with tight budget and all. All I know, is that eventually I will be grateful for all of these. That in month's time, I can completely get myself together. Boredom may be killing me one pimple at a time, but it wont be for long, as I report back to school in a week.

With the exception of minor and inexplicable thrills, unexpected and undying issues, and resonating debts, my existence now has definitely taken a very different route. A path too risky and suicidal, I am so dying to trek.

2008-04-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

THE SONG I INITIALLY LOVE BUT WHEN OGIE ALCASID SANG IT ON SOP IM NOW STARTING TO HATE

Im not really a fan of Mariah Carey, in fact, I often ridicule her. But when David Cook of American Idol sang this, I was struck immediately. Maybe because it totally captured what Im feeling right now.

We were as one, babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart, babe
Our love will never die
No

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Ooh, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry, no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl

But inevitably, you'll be back again

'Cause you know in your heart, babe

Our love will never end

No

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back, boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder ooohhh
(I know that) you'll be right back, baby
Oh baby, believe me
It's only a matter of time
Time

2008-04-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

CLEARING

And just like that, it's all over.

I always write, especially whenever Im upset. So please don't zero in on my blog.

FYI, those issues I raised before are just minor irritations and problems. The initial intention of the blog was just to CLEAR things up and hopefully solve them.

But you bailed on us. I asked you three simple questions, you didn't even respond. Oh Im sorry, you did, with silence.

When you told me what happened in Wensha was somewhat intentional, my heart turned immediately into a boulder. It was unfair, really, to think we both agree that if one of us falls out of love, he'd talk. For the last two weeks, you told me you've been feeling that way, and you let it all culminate with a lousy massage. Now that's pretty amazing.

When your long-overdue apology came, I accepted it. But don't expect things to be as normal, because, you're just unfair and mean. You waited for something like this to happen, so you could easily get your way out? You could have told me the moment it bothered you! I am not that difficult to talk with.

I am not mad. In fact, I just want to get this over with ASAP. Im a positive person, I look into the brighter side. I am not melodramatic. I hate soap operas. I forgive you.

But please, JUST GIVE ME THAT SPACE. Stop reaching out, we're already civil, leave it at that.

Now we're taking our own separate ways, I just hope we both get pretty nice apartments ASAP. The air inside is pretty exhausting and asphyxiating. The kitchen, in fact is too hot for me I can't stand it.

Goodbye.

Thanks for more than two years of happiness, I suppose. Well, for me, it was.

Good luck...

2008-04-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS...

I know we both agree to tell it when it has finally happened, but last night, the only thing that popped into my head was the question, Do you still love me?

We openly declare to be civil and diplomatic if one ever falls out of love, or if one suddenly sleeps with other people. It is easier or more human, we say, because it's within the boundaries of human decency. But last night was pretty odd. I can't even seem to know where to start.

Do I have to ask you that question?
Do we have to venture into that dangerous waters?
Do I have to start talking?
Do you feel a rift building up between us?
Do you notice that we are fighting and arguing more often now than before?

<
<
<
<
<

Have you ever been tired of us making faulty decisions and thinking about the same old problems everytime?
Have you ever yearned for something better and less complicated?
Have you ever thought of getting some space to think?
Have you got that realization that there is something wrong at least?

?

Whenever I ask how your massage was, I only wanted to know if you enjoyed it. I do not want to know if you did it with the masseur.

That is too much to handle -- the fact that you'd rather do it with a stranger than with me, after days of being away in Boracay, and broadcasting to the world how you missed and felt sorry for me, and to think I am so-called your partner --who by the way waited for you, and did not stop thinking of you. The partner who you didn't even inform about how you lost your phones etc. The partner who cared to cook for you and tried consoling you the moment you arrived, despite all your whinings. The man who is simply your partner.

That is just too crap.

And it fucking hurts.

2008-04-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

A PECULIAR AND ALARMING SENSE OF INDIFFERENCE AND AMBIGUITY OVER A COMPLETELY INDESCRIBEABLE WEEKEND

I've noticed it just now, that everytime I feel down, confused or blue, I blog. And it somehow alarms me, for blogging may be one sign of yet another doom.

When you told me what happened in the massage place, how you did it with the masseur, I wasn't bothered for a few seconds. When it all dawned on me, I felt a fraction of something is going completely wrong.

I just had a crappy birthday weekend. I'm not really big on birthdays, call me selfish or evil, but for me, birthdays are purely symbolic and mechanical. Yes, it commemorates the day of your existence, but to realize it annually and to throw a considerable amount of effort, money and talent to celebrate it with friends, is rubbish. I have nothing against celebrations, or attending birthday parties but isn't it ridiculous that we only celebrate our life during that particular day of the year? Why can't we appreciate it everyday, and celebrate each day with our loved ones and friends? Why just that symbolic and predictable extravaganza?

My weekend turned out to be boring and crappy. The occasional gym visits are not all satisfying. Working out with complete strangers who only think of their appearance is not what I envisioned my long weekend to be. To make matters worse, the boredom of solitary confinement inside a Makati condo exhausts all your energy. Thank goodness I have books.

I do understand that you must work. That your work necessitates you to revel in Boracay, I do appreciate and support that. But to forget to check on me, once in while, through SMS is unforgivable. Talk about unlimited texting or less than 1 peso messages, to see if I'm still breathing; not to mention the fact that we both have phone lines. It is not a big deal actually, for you have already trained me on that. In fact, I'm slowly beginning to adapt the same practice. For the first 2 days, I understood it, because it was when you were at the busiest. Come the next couple of days, when you've already finished your event, and had all the time to at least call me. Im not really asking for an hourly update, just a simple sentence of you being fine/having fun is enough for me.

Blame it on the boredom, or the birthday perhaps, but it has bothered me that you didn't even bother.

I know all these came to an abrupt end when you lost all your valuables during the last night of your stay. It may be a bit selfish, yet again on my part, but did it ever cross your mind to inform me of what happened? No. I had to bother Charms just to get through you. Of course, she told me of your loss. But you see, it didn't appear so nice to have me as the last person to know.

When you arrived, I didn't know how to react. Should I feel sorry for your loss? Should I feel happy that you're home at last? Should I feel indignant about your utter lack of empathy during the weekend? Should I be an investigator and have you retell everything that happened in Boracay? Should I feel cordial and cheer you up?Or should I just shut up and cook for you? Much as I wanted to do everything and to absolutely console you, I opted to do the last, for you have already complained and whined about your bodyaches, colds, cough and all those little things that drove me away.

I wanted to spend the whole night with you. I wanted to at least be of help, now that you're in misery. I wanted to talk to you, more than anything else, because that has been deprived from me for the last few days. I just want to be with you. But that easily became Middle Earth.

You wanted a massage.

Annoyed and not wanting to blow things up, I easily gave in.

And then you told me what happened.

When everything was absorbed by my neurons, words had difficulty jumping out of my tongue. Things have started to pile up, and even old issues that have slumbered eons ago began to growl.

And now Im writing this entry. Although Vatican has crossed out limbo in its dictionary, I feel the exact word has consumed me, and I'm all flying to Italy to beat up those cardinals for completely discarding the word, when in fact, limbo is where I am now.

2007-07-19T01:11:00.000-07:00

LOSS

I just found about it today. And it disturbed me the whole day. My friend, Fe died last May 25. An article about her appeared in the Inquirer, and it all came to me as a shock, that left me with teary eyes and disbelief.

She committed suicide in her apartment in Baltimore. She went to the US, of course, for greener pastures, and she killed herself because of her husband.

It was shocking. It was disturbing. It was an eye-opener.

Apparently, my friends have been trying to contact me for weeks now, just to tell me the story, and for me to visit her one last time. But it was futile. I recently just changed my mobile number, without even trying to get in touch with them.

The whole thing made me realize my mistake. And it was a mistake that has been recurring for ages now. That I take people for granted, especially my friends. I have this tendency to detach myself from them, for reasons I haven't even realized until today.

And its so painful, when one of the friends who I take for granted, suddenly just passes away. Out of depression, and desperation; and I didn't even exert extra effort to help her. Or even be there, during the last crucial moments of her life.

It was indeed an eye-opener. And I couldn't help but cry about it. I cry because not only did I lose a precious friend, because the realization that arrived to me smacked me right up on my face.

Big time.

2007-07-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

ISSUES

Im full of issues. I know it sounds so magazine-like, but yes, I will admit, Im full of contradictions and constraints.

Issue # 1: The Precious Mornings
I consider my mornings as my Personal time. When I was younger, I used to just stare blankly and sip my coffee. Now that Im all grown up (I hope), I still consider my mornings as my personal space, an opportunity to think and plan the things for the day thoroughly and silently. I just want to be myself, and enjoy solitude. I know, it doesnt really sound weird, but you haven't really heard the rest. Things dont just stop there.

Every morning, I will go on about my usual routine - coffee and some other knick-knacks, like oreo. I will smoke, and enjoy the simple marriage of my non-extravagant pleasures, because they are all oriented into doing an important event - the CR dilemma-slash-spectacle. I usually dont want company during this time of the day, but sometimes we just have to live with it. It's of course, very difficult for me, because it will only mean one thing - pressure. I feel pressured that there is someone right there, enjoying my precious time. And that mere presence will not actually disrupt, but alter the balance and harmony of my usual routine. That for me, is Pressure and will have a great impact on...

Issue # 2: The CR dilemma-slash-spectacle.
My CR time is the 2nd most precious. It's my ultimate and sole moment for myself and for my universe. When Im there, I'm totally uninhibited. I can do things freely and non-guiltily. I am free on my thought, to wander incessantly over things that seem impossible. And I am alone. It's the only place where I can be truly alone.

If my second issue gets distracted, then Im all irritated the rest of the day. I can only redeem that moment when I finally go home, after work, and Im alone then again. Nobody will meddle my CR moment, even if I stay there for 30 minutes.

Issue # 3: The Uninterrupted 10 PM-Chill out
Starting 10 pm, I should be getting ready to sleep. This is the time when I start to brush and clean up, so that by 11pm, Im all set up for dozing off. People say Im all irate by this time, but I have valid and concrete reasons. By 10 pm, to complete that 6-8 hours of ample sleep, one must be getting ready for tomorrow. Or else, things will start to bite you off in the ass by the next morning - like pimples on your face, eye bags with matching dark circles and red eyes, and headache that will forever ruin your day. I just want to keep things in order. See?

>> to be continued.

2007-07-05T18:06:00.001-07:00

COLD TURKEY

I've finally quit smoking. Err, well, not completely, but I'm really trying.

From scoring almost a pack a day, Im now down to 1-2x per diem. It's really difficult, because I've been killing myself for 9 years now, and all of a sudden, Im calling it quits.

During the first week, I must say, I really felt sick. I was so nauseous. I got colds and cough. I was literally weak. But one may ask, why quit, when smoking has always entailed coolness and dirtiness? Well, it takes a birthday and a budget constraint to do that. Hehehe. Seriously, I've been thinking a lot lately about really stopping this filthy habit. And then came my partner's birthday and asked that this be my gift. So I caved in. And then followed by the fact that I am in fact, killing other people through my second-hand smoke, it really scared the hell out of me.

Besides, it goes against my ideals of becoming an environmentalist (naks). Come to think of it, if I quit now, I will be helping out Mother Earth get rid of all these toxic gases in her atmosphere. Statistically, I am lessening global warming and pollution rate by 1:100000000000000000000000000000000. See? I am now, an aide to preserving nature.

Actually, I miss smoking. I miss holding that little piece of death in my fingers. The way the pollutants creep through my lungs and burn my air sacs is very much disheartening. I would really kill for that. So far, Im doing good. Before or after work, I light up one, just to eliminate the work stress. And that's it. Oftentimes, when the urge is indescribeable, and the salivation is beyond control, I eat. Although now, the problem I must forsee is being overweight or having a ridiculous belly.

From this I learned, I am now evolving. Yes, into the next stage. That I am now a social being, capable of caring for others and getting out of my own selfish shell. It's a nice feeling, although it often feels weird. For how long I can deprive myself of that filthy habit, I honestly dont know. What I know now is that I'm doing this not for myself, but for those I love.

Naks.

2007-06-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

MAKES ME WONDER
Maroon 5

I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye

God damn my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what you're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie
I have no alibi
The words you say don't have a meaning
Cause

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you
And I...and so this is goodbye

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye
So this is goodbye, yeah [x3]
(Oh no)

2007-06-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

GREEN CIRCUS

It's been a month. A joyride that I haven't really gotten the hang of. It's an experience I must say, not extraordinary nonetheless.

During my first weeks, I must admit, I got really overwhelmed by the environment - all that spirituality and community that seemed too good to be true. It was... nice.

Nice, because things started to unravel in the succeeding weeks, that all those things that they say they stand for, do not actuate. People start to shed their skins off, that a sense of corruption gloom before their eyes. A glint of superiority materialize as soon as they lounged in their faculty thrones. And the worse of it all, the unbecoming immaturity and unprofessionalism that a number of members exhibit almost everyday. For instance, two female members immediately glistened with the scent of gossip and yak with outright tactlessness about the simplest of things. While a group of male faculty brush their machismo off, with uncalled for condecend as they remark homosexuals.

Jaded. Blase. Satiated. This is what I have been for days now.

I just feel so disappointed with how this kind of culture thrives within the walls of this supposedly understanding institution. And too ironic it is that they bank on virtues, and yet they have undeserving components inside.

Perhaps, a revolution is necessary. The real one. And I believe it will only materialize when we start to grow up and realize that we must act professionally eventhough we do not feel like it.

Whew.

2007-02-12T00:05:00.000-08:00

CONSPIRACY

At last, more and more people are now becoming more aware of what REALLY happened to the World Center in New York. Fuck Bush and his allies.

All because he wanted to avenge his father, and other vested interests like OIL... Tsk tsk tsk...

2006-08-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

HAY NAKU....

I changed the whole template, to make it darker. The thing is, when i did it, it deleted every add-ons I had before, including the site counters!!!!!!!! Aaaarrggh!! Stupid.

2006-05-11T03:42:00.000-07:00

MORE ABOUT JESUS and THE BIBLE

There are actually more unpublished and secret gospels -- by Thomas the Apostle, Mary Magdalene, Gospel of Truth, the Secret Book of John, by Peter and the Gospel of the Savior.

The Second Discourse of Great Seth, however, claims that the True Jesus Christ was never crucified.

All of these books and gospels were totally scraped off the Bible, when Irenaeus (Bishop of Lyon) deemed them blaphemous and all. It's all part of the master and grand plan to make Christianity the foremost and leading religion that time, around 380 AD (when it became the official religion of the empire). And this includes the elimination of all possible competition and "blasphemous" groups.

2006-04-19T03:18:00.000-07:00

GOSPEL OF JUDAS

So, there's another Gospel. There's actually nothing wrong with this news, what's really surprising is the fact that the "good news" actually comes from the mouth of the greatest villain this world has ever known -- Judas Iscariot.

Yes, that guy who kissed Jesus Christ and sold him out for a bag full of silver. The same guy whose name connotes the Jewish people, and from whom Anti-Semitism (hatred of Jews) stemmed out. Judas is also a name synonymous to "evil", hence greatly demeaning anyone who gets on a jeepney, and does not pay (HUDAS NOT PAY). According to NatGeo, in Germany, it is prohibited and unlawful to even name a child "Judas". For those who read Inferno, Judas was eaten by Satan himself, thus establishing a much celebrated diabolical image of the apostle.

Now, what's the deal with this new gospel? Ala lang, it just goes to show the early history of Christianity -- that back then, centuries before the official recognition of Christianity as a formal religion by Constantine, there were a lot of sects and forms of this religion. A lot of Gospels were in existence too, including the recent one by Judas and the lesser-known by Thomas. Its just that the religion underwent a lot of "facelifts" throughout the centuries, and the core/essence of it seemed to wither just like any civilization. Judas may not be that evil guy we were accustomed with, but he definitely loved Jesus and respected him. People cannot (or wouldn't) just accept it because its pretty weird and it shows a different relationship between the "Messiah" and Judas Iscariot.

The bottomline: there isn't really anything shocking about this find. It's understandable, I bet they're going to find a lot more gospels to add up to this toll. Maybe it's about time that the Catholic Church starts admitting, answering and recognizing all those controversy surrounding them. But then again, if they do this, we'll see the demise and fall of this institution. But what the heck, the truth will set us all free. It's very mature though that after the release of this Gospel, they only regarded this as just one-of-your-extraordinary-stories of Jesus Christ.

The implications and repercussions though, of the Judas stigma, cannot just be erased from History. It resulted to a slaughter of millions of people, pointless religious and non-religious wars and unending terrorism. However, it is not too late, we can still change the world.

Im thinking of scrutinizing the Catholic church again, but I simply do not have time. And that's a whole different story.

2006-04-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

Next week will mark the end of my first school year with O.B. Montessori. Gosh, it's been really an experience, a memento i could not possibly forget. And to make it worse, I've signed for the next year, since they offered me a new contract! How silly me.

What's really boggling is the fact that no matter how frustrated and demoralized I am, as a human being and a teacher, I cannot quit my job, for the lack of er, say, guts. I've been in this laborious meditation for months now, as to how should I cope with the whole OB-trauma-kick-in-the-stomach experience-thing, and I've finally concluded that sometimes, we human beings tend to stick with our present situations because of the following reasons:

a. We do not have any other choice.
b. We do have choices but we refuse to accept changes.
c. We're too busy to accomodate these thoughts, because of a much busier
schedule involving work.
d. We're lazy to find better venues.
e. We're coerced to stay (e.g. with OB).
f. Threaths and other headaches.
g. There are things better left unsaid.
h. We need further experience.
i. We do not have enough guts to stand for what is right.
j. We realize that it is better to be suffering while employed than
suffering with no money at hand.
k. The Philippines' unemployment rate is currently at 14%.
l. The company compensates well.
m. Life sucks, real hard.

Sobrang hirap, di makatao, poottahh!

But then again, im still here.

Whew.

2006-04-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern		80%
The Flash		75%
Iron Man		65%
Supergirl		60%
Hulk		60%
Spider-Man		55%
Superman		50%
Wonder Woman		50%
Catwoman		45%
Batman		40%
Robin		37%

Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

2006-04-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

Narda
Kamikazee

Tila ibon kung lumipad, sumabay sa hangin akoy
Napatingin
Sa dalagang nababalot ng hiwaga.
Mapapansin kaya sa dame ng yong gingawa
Kung kaagaw ko ang lahat may pag asa bang makilala ka

Awit na nananawagan, baka sakaling napakikinggan,
Pag ibig na palaisipan sa kanta na lang idaraan
Nag aabang sa langit, sa mga ulap sumisilip
Sa likod ng mga tala,kahit sulyap lang darna

Ang swerte nga nman ni ding, lagi ka nyang kapiling
Kung ako sa kanya niligawan na kita
Mapapansin kaya sa dame ng yong gingawa
Kung kaagaw ko ang lahat may pag asa bang makilala ka

Awit na nananawagan,baka sakaling napakikinggan,
Pag ibig na palaisipan sa kanta na lang idadaan
Nag aabang sa langit, sa mga ulap sumisilip
Sa likod ng mga tala,kahit sulyap lang darna

Tumalon kaya ako sa bangin,para lang iyong sagipin
Ito ang tanging paraan para mayakap ka
Darating kayasa dame ng ginagawa
Kung kaagaw ko sila paano na kaya?

Awit na nananawagan,baka sakaling napakikinggan,
Pag ibig na palaisipan sa kanta na lang idadaan
Nag aabang sa langit, sa mga ulap sumisilip
Sa likod ng mga tala,kahit sulyap lang darna

Nag aabang sa langit, sa mga ulap sumisilip
Sa likod ng mga tala,kahit sulyap lang darna

2005-11-29T02:50:00.000-08:00

EVER AFTER

This is the song that keeps me alive day after day. This reminds me of you, and how much I love you now...How much you brighten up my every existence, fulfills my very being up to this moment, honey.

Three years ago, our journey began
Chasing down this cure, no plan in hand
Just your pulse, my racing guide in the dark
Just knowing with conviction from the start

The moment your eyes made an introduction
I felt my second violent breath of life
Flawless to the point of being godly
Yet I fell hard for your imperfections

***
And now we're slightly weathered, we're slightly worn
Our hands grip together, eye to eye through the storm, yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeahhhhh
Cuz life is a pleasure with you by my side,
And there ain't no current in this river we can't ride
I still believe in ever after with you

Nothing compares to the good times
Feels like we're floating, when the rest have to climb
You made me believe in love, and not the perfect kind
A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine

Emotions, volcanic eruptions
We both still care, so we're still alive
Tunnel vision, determination
I want you, I want to make it right

***

You are my twisted sunshine
You are my twisted sunshine

2005-11-12T23:32:00.000-08:00

You're fire-obsessed. One of those guys who's...
Well... Obsessed with fire. (Isn't that some
sort of psychological issue?) You like burning
things. ROCK ON!!

What type of evil are you??
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-11-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

WHEW

Now, I can breathe, I can think clearly and I'm rational. It just pisses me off, when I think of how evil men can be, all for the sake of love. For the past weeks, I have been in such emotional circus, and it's really very demeaning, you lose your sense of rationality, diplomacy and clarity. Self-esteem gets challenged, and patience stretched up to who-knows-where boundaries. Some of it bitter, some foul, others enlightening. It's really a joyride.

One cannot take bitterness and barbarism out of this kind of mess. Some go to extreme disrespect and outrage that they destroy things and life. Such actions are really far from civilization, and they require immediate legal actions, e.g. violation of privacy, grave threats, physical injury, moral defamation and destruction of property. Thankfully, I have connections.

Nevertheless, it's all part of the distant past. One must learn from mistakes, and be thankful for them, really, because they have transformed that self into a better human being. It's all a matter of choice, and freewill. If we ourselves let these things to forever haunt and destroy us, it's our choice, we'll be living in doom and hatred. If we just forget about it, and treat it as a memorable and fruitful aspect of our history, then we're left with no bitterness at all, and we continue with our lives. In the first place, it's all been done, and we can do nothing to change it.

We just need to brace that uncertain future with a smile, and with new beginnings.

2005-10-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

CHAOTIC AND FUCKED UP

It's all starting to sink in now -- the consequences of my actions, and the doom awaiting for me, anytime from now.

Everything started last week, from mere chit-chats, it evolved into something greater and compelling. I know it wasn't the right thing for me to do, since Im falling for a completely wrong person - my friend's lover.

I know things will get more complicated and jammed, but we just could help ourselves, or at least, I couldnt help myself, or was oblivious of what Im doing.

Until last night, my friend saw us in the parking lot. He was furious. I was speechless and nonchalant. He bursted but I was calm. I completely understood his behavior, because this is my mess.

When I got home, I told my friends (now old friends)what happened. I also spilled it out to my ex. My ex cried. My heart, now crushed, wanted to disintegrate even more. I lost it, I lost everything, and I've lost my dignity.

Every inch of my existence now comes into vapor. When I went to work the following morning, I couldnt believe what happened. I gathered all the strength I have, to put myself all together, but I guess the shame of my mistake haunts me even more inevitable, that I could no longer think in a rational way. Thankfully, I have friends at work.

I received a text from a friend, telling my ex wants to move out as soon as possible, because my ex cant take it anymore. I insisted that I'll be the one to move out instead, because its my poop anyway. Quickly, I asked everybody in the office if they know some place where I could stay.

Now, I'm back to our old apartment. Memories started to come back as soon as I stepped in that bare loft, and all I could do that dreadful night was to cry. The downpour was overwhelming. I havent cried for ages, and it felt like someone has just stabbed my heart. It's now over, everything.

The damage has been done, and I couldnt fix it anymore. All I have to do now, is to start anew, with no more attachments, and no more mistakes, hopefully.

Mahirap. Masakit. Its a bitter pill to swallow, but I know things will definitely be healed when I take that tablet.

Sigh.

2005-10-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

I am happy now. So much happier than before. I have regained myself, and I have found solace.

Thanks. The best things in life are really those you dont expect to happen and to touch your life.

2005-10-18T01:33:00.000-07:00

Third Party and Other Parties

So, I've heard now you're actually entertaining a suitor. And to my surprise, that suitor has been eyeing you for months now, without my knowledge or whatsoever. Anyway, I couldn't care less. I suppose we're both happy now, with our own individual lives, and im pretty sure, you're already getting the hang of it.

It just pisses me off, that you tell lies to other people, that you're actually accusing me of something I am not, or I didn't do. Whew, I just so hope, you destroy your life, much sooner that mine, if that is your real intention -- that is, to destroy me.

Two weeks ago, I told myself, "Sana nga me third party, so it'll be much much easier to move on. Kaso wala, so everything was really difficult for me." Now, I busy myself in chores and work loads, that I don't anymore notice that Christmas is fast approaching.

Time flies, really. And love does, as well.

2005-10-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

Friedrich Nietzsche

You scored a 68 in Existential wisdom!

This is the second highest category for the Existential Test, so close
and yet so far away. You know more than most about existential ideas,
but only enough to criticize others. Why is your sister such a royal
bitch?

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 50% on wisdom

Link: The Existential Test written by radicalren on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

2005-10-07T20:23:00.000-07:00

Ingmar Bergman

Your film will be 63% romantic, 32% comedy, 50% complex plot, and a $ 44 million budget.

Your life will be portrayed on film as an intense psychological drama,
likely with some actresses screaming at the camera (Persona), or maybe
a pleasant chess game between the Grim Reaper and a Crusader (The
Seventh Seal). This Swedish director's films are intensely scrutinzed
and studied in colleges all over the world to this day. This means that
most Americans still don't understand his films! Still alive, he
released in the U.S. in 2005 his first film in 23 years (Saraband), and
he can still take on one more project to make your film biography. If
curious, start with his films Wild Strawberries and Smiles of a Summer
Night.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 92% on action-romance
You scored higher than 35% on humor
You scored higher than 89% on complexity
You scored higher than 91% on budget

Link: The Director Who Films Your Life Test written by bingomosquito on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

2005-10-05T05:55:00.000-07:00

KWARTO
Sugarfree

Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punong-puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban

Oohh… Oohh…

Mga liham ng nilihim kong pag-ibig
At litrato ng kahapong maligalig
Dahan-dahan kong inipon
Ngunit ngayo’y kailangan nang itapon

Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon

May jacket mong nabubulok sa sulok
Na inaalikabok na sa lungkot
May panyong ilang ulit nang niluhaan
Isang patak sa bawat beses na tayo’y nasaktan

Mula ngayon

Ala-ala ng lumuluhang kahapon
Dahan-dahan ko na ring kinakahon
Natagpuan ko na ang tunay kong ligaya
Lumabas ako ng kwarto’t naroon siya

Magpapaalam na sa ‘yo ang aking kwarto (4x)
Magpapaalam na sa ‘yo(3x)
Magpapaalam na sa ‘yo ang aking kwarto

2005-09-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

TORTURE and SUNSET

It's almost a week now, and it still feels weird. It's over, at napakahirap. After 2 years of friendship and companionship, ganun na lang. It's like starting from scratch again, you dont even know where to begin or what to do. What's making matters worse is the fact that you are now alone. Nakakamiss din, at nakakapanlumo, if you're going to ponder on every moment of those 2 years. Sayang.

I hate to blame, and I also loathe resentment, pero right now, please give me that right. I know my faults, I just so hope you know yours. When we finally decided to call it quits, you accepted it, as if you dont really care. Masakit yun, ni wala man lang appeal, or objection. But it's a good thing na rin, in a sense, because it appears to be reciprocal. I assume the sentiments are mutual, hence the passiveness. Ang bigat lang talaga.

Right now, I keep myself busy and preoccupied of work, just to let the draining time pass, and to forget what just happened. Pero in those idle times, I cant help but think of those moment we're together. And how things will become now that we've parted. It's really understandable that we still observe our old habits, and all, since everything's still fresh. But everytime we do those so-called old habits, we're reminded of how painful it was, or it is.

Finally, Im going to miss your friends. I know they are mine too, but you first made friendships with them, than I did, and I just knew them because of you.

Thank you, for becoming an integral and memorable part of my life...

2005-09-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

"THE DISTANCE"

The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to gray
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time you're coming back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm calling your name

But I can't take the distance

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm calling your name

I brave fire and I brave rain
To be by your side I'd do anything
I can't take the distance

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That's how much you mean to me

'Cause I can't take the distance
I can't take these miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm calling your name
I can't take the distance

It's hard to remember
As long as you're away
When I find solace
There's only one way

...

2005-09-24T01:51:00.000-07:00

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

"It is better to die standing than to live on your knees." – Che Guevarra

2005-08-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

BARBARIC

A few weeks ago, they hanged 2 Iranian gay teens. When the rest of the world is busy with their usual political and social affairs, Iranians are still stuck to tradition, awaiting their doom.

2005-08-14T04:51:00.000-07:00

Na Naman

We're into this kind of shit again, for the Nth time. In all honesty, Im sort of immune to this. It's freaking endless, and pointless, but still, you might even also wonder, why up to now, we haven't graduated.

2005-08-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

At last, a rock-reality show. Im getting tired of (and pissed off too)American Idol craps, and those Philippine Idol-wannabes. They know nothing except belt a Regine or a Brian McKnight. It's about time we grow up.

2005-07-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

I just feel toxic. Same old shit. I need to relax. My muse, where art thou?

2005-07-02T02:23:00.000-07:00

THE DAY YOU SAID GOODNIGHT
Hale

Take me as you are
Push me off the road
The sadness I need this time to be with you
I’m freezing in the sun
I’m burning in the rain
The silence I’m screaming
Calling out your name

And I do
Reside in your light
Put out the fire with me and find
Yeah you lose the side of your circles
That’s what I’ll do if we say goodbye

To be is all I got to be
And all that I see
And all that I need this time
To me the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight

The calmness in your face
That I see through the night
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us
You didn’t ask me why
I never would have known
Oblivion is falling down

If you could only know me
Like your prayers at night
then everything between you and me will be alright

She’s already taken
She’s already taken
She’s already taken me
The day you said goodnight...

This song has been my anthem for more than a month now. Every morning, as I go to work, this song fills my consciousness. So beautifully written, it can pass as a foreign song, by a foreign band. Hope they last, they create awesome music. Just don't get over-commercialized, and jologs. And another tip, dont get stereotyped.

2005-07-02T01:50:00.000-07:00

Im back to teaching now. At last, I can now redeem myself from being such a slacker and a person- with- no- defined-future. Haha, goodluck. I actually applaud myself now, for being in ORDER. But of course, one cannot just expect me to change overnight. I endured months of tedious training just to be back. Thankfully, it's slowly paying off. So far, Im getting pretty along with almost everybody. I wear mask everytime they pray, when they ask me, "Are you a Catholic? How come you're not doing the sign of the cross?" I immediately reply, "Christian". Naks.

As long as they dont pry with my private life, thats fine. The moment they question my privacy and individual rights like, right to belief or right to think on my own, Im out. It's very difficult though, teaching in a very exclusive Catholic high school, with all eyes staring at whatever you do, Im starting to think I've entered a convent or a Rehab. Im glad the students are very cooperative, they listen to me, despite the fact that they're very famous for being defiant, or so they say.

The consolation Im seeing now is having a good pay and work. At least, I've reclaimed that much sought after chance. I've learned a lot, I tell you.

2005-04-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

You can flirt all you want, just don't do it when Im around or I have full knowledge of what's going on.

Sometimes its a lot better to consider other people's feelings before your own, eventhough it goes beyond your own reason or principle.

2005-04-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Peter Pan Syndrome

I just turned 23 years old. I may still be young to many, but I feel older. And I dread that future, slowly unravelling before me. I fear that moment where I'll find myself still searching for my worth. Now everything comes reverberating, and they flash before me as I enjoy oblivion.

What will become of me when I turned 35 or 40? Will I be happier or more fulfilled when those wrinkles come? Will the future be kinder for all us Filipinos? I hate uncertainty, it brings me chills.

Only one thing appears more concrete -- My life expectancy shortens as I lit another cigarette.

What the heck.

2005-03-02T06:46:00.000-08:00

Shit really happens.

Whenever Im rattled and about to make a major decision, things just go nuts. Everything involved gets messed up and fucked up, that I can no longer do anything at all, but sit down and smoke.

I just dont know why these things keep happening to me. I dont consider myself a "Hari ng Sablay", but Im starting to feel like one. This morning I've written my lesson plan, and the fucking internet shop doesnt sell diskettes. When I finally get hold of one, the file doesnt save. So I just managed to make some revisions, still after about 10 minutes or so and sacrificing good pictures in it, the file was still too big to be stored. I went home, and dozed myself off, thinking everything will turn out right when I wake up.

And voila! You woke up on the wrong side of the bed and started to condemn my day. I was to too underslept to get things going, thank the goats for coffee, I eventually had the energy to start things over. I went outside, it was 10 pm, and shops were already closed. Ganda.

My appointment tomorrow starts at 830 am, and as of this moment, Im still halfway done. I have invested a lot for this, and I see no profit in return.

It's happening again, for the Nth time. Grrr...

2005-02-07T06:34:00.000-08:00

Unti-unti, nagiging high-tech na ang site ko, hahaha!!!! (Pathetic, tsk tsk tsk..)

2005-02-01T05:32:00.000-08:00

You Are The Suave Gay Man

What Type Of Gay Man Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You Are The Pretty Boy

What Type Of Gay Man Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-01-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

UNCERTAINTY

For the second time, we arrive at this kind of situation. So awkward, it's difficult to delineate which is which, even the question of how things will be from now on.

I want to write a poem about it, hoping it will gradually explain how I feel about this arrangement, or perhaps create a picture how blurry our, or my future can be, now that its over. But I cant. I wish I could, so I wouldn't have to hide it by being busy, or being cheerful when our favorite program comes on. Or by being pre-occupied with the everyday routine.

I want to cry, but nothing comes out. I want to blame you, but no words fly out of my mouth. I want to feel relieved, but it is so damn difficult. I want to talk things out, but our pride obstructs every way. I want to hurt you, but the remainder keeps me away from the mere thought. I want to give you another chance, but you yourself cant exert any effort to mend what has been broken. I want to leave you, but Im not ready. I want to die but I dont know how. I want to stop writing about this, but it is the only source of my strength.

Im sorry for being so selfish. Im sorry for loving you that much.

2005-01-14T07:30:00.000-08:00

VAT

Legislators are coming up with a very brilliant idea for a bill. Out of sheer intellect, they want to increase the tax being added to services, a.k.a. Value Added Tax. From the current 10%, they 're adding another 2% to help and aid, according to them, the government in managing its budget.

Whatever. F*** the government. We're already starving and buried in debt.

Patayin nyo na lang kami.

2005-01-04T06:27:00.000-08:00

MY LIST

Happy New Year everybody! Welcome 2005!

Here's my own list of those things that I really love, those that I really loathe and things that I just want to simply count.

2004 Songs that kept me musical...

1. This Love - Maroon 5
2. Yeah - Usher and Li'l Jon
3. Officially Missing You - Tamia
4. Love on the Run - Chicane
5. Satisfaction - that song from "Bridal Shower"
6. Noypi - Bamboo
7. I I ain't got you - Alicia Keys
8. If the Feeling is Gone - Kyla
9. Balisong - Rivermaya
10. Wag na Wag mong Sasabihin -Kitchie Nadal

2004 Best Movies that inspired me in their own little ways..and movies I still wait to come..

1. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
2. City Of God
3. Hotel Rwanda
4. Ocean's Twelve
5. 2046
6. Kill Bill Vol.2
7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
8. Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
9. The Phantom of the Opera
10. The Incredibles

Runner-ups: A Very Long Engagement, Spongebob Squarepants, Alexander, Crying Ladies, Closer, Farenheit 9/11

2004 Most Hated People/Fact

1. George W. Bush/Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
2. Filipinos claiming that "God spared the Philippines from the recent tsunami catastrophe." (For goodness' sake, take a look at our geographical location, morons. Be grateful we're not in South Asia.)
3. Novelty Songs - (Although the rise of these songs is inevitable and they really reflect the status quo, it just gets so annoying everytime you hear them.)
4. 'Jon' from Amazing Race 6 (Victoria's husband, I think)
5. Erap taking advantage of every situation, including FPJ's funeral as a venue for his political angst.

2004 Most Memorable News

1. Asian Tsunami (death toll reaches 155,000 as of this day)
2. Quezon tragedy - I demand all illegal loggers to be put to death!!!
3. FPJ's death
4. Athens Olympics
5. 2004 Philippine Presidential Elections- a testament of Philippine politics' hopelessness..
6. Bush's victory over Kerry - Goodluck to the world.
7. Pacquiao - Need to say more? He has been elevating our country in the international arena.
8. Angelo dela Cruz - because of him, many Filipinos took interest in World News.
9. "Friends" Farewell -such a tear-jerker...

2004 TV Programs that transformed me into a Couch Potato

1. Will and Grace
2. Amazing Race
3. Mulawin
4. Queer Eye For a Straight Guy
5. SpongeBob Squarepants
6. The 4400
7. Extra Challenge/ National Geographic
8. Sex and the City
9. Endless Love: Winter Sonata
10. 24 Oras/ CNN/ BBC

2004-12-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

SO WHAT NOW?

Yes, he is. Why do you ask?

This was my immediate reaction to a friend's "violent" remark on the film, Alexander. Actually, he's just one of those Hollywood fanatics who expressed hesitation and dismay over the film. Dismayed not only because of the fact that it wasn't as bloddy as they expected, but also for the reason that it somehow touched the very fragile issue of Homosexuality. In fact, I went all the way discussing Ancient Greek culture to him, just to concretize everything.

The movie depicts Alexander's heroic and outstanding conquests of the "known-world" during those times. His empire is so vast, it reached India and even fused cultures along his way. Hellenistic culture surfaced in almost 2-million square miles of territory that even artisans and merchants back then read Homer. His tactics influenced our military institutions today, but please, don't owe to him the rampant corruption and eternal machismo inside it. To sum it all, he is a great guy, and to even top it all, he's gay.

Now, what the hell's wrong with him being a homosexual? I've heard a lot of drastic commments and disappointment from people who have braced the theathers last week. They say the movie is not only boring, it's a total waste of time. Some even claimed to have been harassed in one way or another (well, in that case, blame SM cinemas for allowing perverts to enter the theater, not Alexander, joke..) Most of my officemates created a machismo forcefield, that after hearing other's comments of the film, they junked the idea of watching the film in the first place. After having assessed everything, I fully understand now the whole reason why "Alexander" flopped in the box office, despite its $150-M budget -- the production outfit made a mistake in showing the film to narrow-minded earthlings.

Yes, the film hasn't reached its $50M mark in the US, as of this date, primarily because the viewers dont like the fact that the figure they have idolized for ages is actually a member of what-they-regard as abnormal. How saddening. The movie has done its actual purpose -- it informed and hopefully educated the society about that fact, although the approach was even subtler than I expected. But come to think of it, Alexander's story not only prove to the world that Greece is glorious, but it also wants to share that success and personal worth isn't based on one's sexual orientation. For those who aren't aware, homosexuality is just a part of ancient Greece, it was actually "normal".

Although this whole thing shouldn't be blamed for its failed success in the box office, because critics really lambasted a lot of points in the film, not to mention its dragging scenes, we cant really take away that homophobic factor. The same factor stigmatizing contemporary society and limiting freedom amongst men.

Just last month, there was hope in Philippine television, I see some light of understanding and open-ness. But they pulled it OUT! It was the first and now seemingly the last gay-oriented magazine show in the Philippines, but due to some unknown forces -- forces I deem fatal to humanity -- OUT! joined the ranks of dinosaurs and other extinct creatures.

How I wish people could have been more educated and civilized to understand things. But given the pace that we're going and how boxed these 21st century minds are, despite efforts to eradicate narrow-mindedness and stupidity, I still bid "Goodluck" to all of us.

2004-12-04T23:47:00.000-08:00

"In bourgeois society, capital is independent and has individuality, while the living person is dependent and has no individuality."

- Marx and Engels, The Communist Manifesto

A call center version of this infamous quote:

"In a country run by US puppetry, outsourcing is delectable and promising, while the poor mind is rotten and in doom."

2004-11-26T07:35:00.000-08:00

We're back together. : )

(Next time I log in here, I promise to post a more exciting blog. Im not in the mood, that's the problem. For those who have visited my site, thanks a lot. Here's my email if you wanna scrutinize me, hehe... - eightyfour03@yahoo.com)

2004-11-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

HELP NEEDED

Why am i being forced into doing something i really dont like? Why do I have to keep a job that has been troubling me for ages? And why do I always whine and do nothing at all?

I don't know.

Im basically a moment person-- I live by the moment and ignore what's actually in store for me in the future. This kind of attitude has defined my every existence for years now. I can even remember having such reputation back in college, 'cause I always crammed my way in doing projects or papers. My professor once asked me what the title of my final papaer was, in one of my creative writing classes, and I just shrugged off saying, " I still dont know sir, haven't figured it out it yet."

Five years have passed and still, it has been my favorite line. In total honesty, I still haven't grasped that idea of the future. I haven't got that urgent sense to do some drastic changes to revolutionize or revitalize my life. Im stuck in a dimension where absolute oblivion prevails, and attention to urgency is unheard of.

But the irony is, I am perfectly aware of the problem. I know very well for a fact that if I do nothing as soon as possible, I'd be doomed and chances are, I'll end up being in this state again, for the nth time. I even have solutions for my problem, and have even laid plans to alleviate the situation. But still, I lack the execution.

For instance, I've been wanting to resign from my present job in a call center eons ago. I hate the job because it is totally boring and mechanical, not to mention the mind-numbing routine every night. And I think, I can only attain that level of gratification if I look for a more rewarding and relevant job, say, teaching or social work, even writing! Unfortunately, I'm still stuck. You may probably ask what's preventing me from doing the right thing. I've asked the same question to a lot of my friends, and they all advised me to ask myself for a better answer. Make sense.

How I wish I could get away from all of these. Thank Philosophy I dont have any suicidal tendencies, or else my mother would have been rallying in front of UP administration appealing for a change in the Social Science program. She has been blaming my radical ideologies, including Atheism, for being what I am now. She will tell my relatives that I could no longer contain all the information I got from the university and I am having difficulty organizing them, and turning them into a useful reality. That's her opinion, but I am really the one to blame for her thinking like that.

I actually consider a lot of options right now. If I keep this job, I wont be happy, I'll just whine. If I go back to teaching, I'll have to wait for months for the school year to start. If I pursue what my heart tells me to do, I'll end up being poor, and to make matters worse, I lack the credentials. If only given the chance, I want to become an archaeologist or an anthropologist, a social worker, or a member of the leftist movement (NPA). All of them require some qualifications, which obviously I still lack as of today.

My family wouldn't agree to these, but I just want to be happy. But given this kind of procrastination Im living, it will take some time before I make a step towards that paradise.

Could someone please help me? : )

2004-11-07T07:15:00.000-08:00

It's finally over... More than a year full of happiness, love, misunderstanding, grief and compassion...I blame it all to individual differences we humans have. And our unwillingness to understand every detail and shortcomings.

I just hope we're all living in Utopia.

2004-06-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

Conversations of a Gay couple

One: So, I visited your Friendster, who is Kenji?
Two: Oh, he was just a friend.
One: Sino yun? Ba't ngayon ko lang narinig? Hindi ba siya yung naka-chat mo nung Sunday? Noong nag-away tayo?
Two: Hindi siya yun, kasi taga-Makati yung nakausap ko eh..
One: Yung binigyan mo ng email add? saka Friendster mo?
Two: Hindi ko binigay yung email ko, ok?
One: Eh di ba, once you give your friendster account, you're also gonna give out your e-mail?
Two: Oo nga. Eh titingnan lang naman nya yung picture ko eh. Saka yung Kenji, friend namin yun before.
One: Eh nasaan na sya ngayon?
Two: Ewan ko, nakita ko lang yun sa account ni M. So in-invite ko.
One: Bakit mo pa kailangan i-invite?
Two: Kasi nga, kilala ko naman sya.
One: Me nangyari ba sa inyo?
Two: Ano ka ba, bakit ko papatulan yun eh masama ugali nun? Saka hindi na ganun ang hitsura nya ngayon, dati gwapo pa sya. Tapos dati, me kumalat na me balitang me sakit sya, STD.
One: So you mean, you find him attractive then?
Two: Hindi naman ganun ang sinasabi ko ah? Insecure ka ba dun sa tao?
One: Hindi, I just wanna know who he is, that's all. Bakit ka nagagalit?
Two: Sino bang hindi? Eh sobra ka kung makapagtanong. Kakilala ko lang naman yung tao.
One: Close ba kayo?
Two: Hindi.
One: Oh, bakit mo pa kailangan invite?
Two: Kasi nga di ba? Bakit ganun, kapg ikaw nag-eexplain, madali nating i-accept, bakit ako andami pang tanong?
One: Eh nakita mo ba yung profile nung tao? Napaka-pokpok. Tapos, hindi pa pala kayo close, in-invite mo pa. Anong iisipin ko, di ba? It's either me past kayo or what. Hindi mo ako masisisi, kasi andami mong kausap nun sa chat. Me bi-bacolod ka pa. Hindi ba sya yung ka-chat mo non?
Two: Hindi, si Archie yun. Saka wala namang nangyari sa amin nun. Si M yata, naging sila ni Kenji. Dati, nagpasama lang sya sa akin until 4 am...
One: Tapos?
Two: Wala lang, wala naman kaming ginawa?
One: Am I gonna believe that? Gwapo kamo sya, magkasama kayo the whole night, tapos walang mangyayari?
Two: Wala nga. Saka hindi ko gusto yun... Di ba nga ipinagkalat namin na me STD sya.
One: Paano mo nalaman?
Two: Kasi naghubad sya...
One: Noong magkasama kayo? Tapos walang nangyari?
Two: Oo naman, kasi marami syang rashes nun sa katawan. Me sakit nga sya di ba?
One: So kung wala pala siyang rashes sa katawan, me nangyari na sa inyo?
Two: Ano ka ba?
One: No, sinusundan ko lang yung logic.
Two: You know what? Punong-puno na ako sa ganito. Last night lang, nag-away na tayo, tapos ngayon, nagsisimula ka na naman..
One: Hindi ako nagsisimula ng away, im just asking kung sino yon. So napupuno ka na?
Two: Ang buhangin, kapag hinigpitan mo ng hawak, pilit matatapon...
One: So ano ngayon balak mo? Eh ako nga eh, hindi napipikon at all, or naba-badtrip. Kasi nga Im just asking who he is.
Two: Wala, nakakainit kasi ng ulo. Sino bang matutuwa sa ganyan?
One: Bakit ka napipikon, kung wala ka naman kamong itinatago?
Two: Ay naku...
One: Wala naman akong sinasabing masama di ba? It's all part of the questioning.

(Silence.)

2004-04-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Water Runs Dry

We don't even talk anymore
And we don't even know what we argue about
Don't even say I love you no more
'Cause sayin' how I feel is no longer allowed
Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how II change

CHORUS:
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby

Now they can see the tears in our eyes
But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts
Well maybe that's a pain we can't hide
'Cause everybody knows that we're both torn apart
Why do we hurt each other
Why do we push love away

*this is my song for the day...

2004-04-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

I am 66% evil.

I'm getting there. I haven't done all the damage I could do but I've done quite a bit. I'm just over the border into the Evil Zone.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com